I'm hurting myself

If we can't laugh, what's left? And I'm not laughing AT you, but this is really good shit: "You are talk'in to someone who has bought 2 dozen dunk'in donuts while going to a party and ate one dozen on the way. And when I got there and people started to look at the donuts, I said : "Hummm which one should I have ????"

That reminds me of the old days, when I was a closet-eater. I'd drive through fast food joints and order enough for three people while talking about my husband and kids (I was single.) I'd even throw in a Kid's Meal with an extra drink to make it believable.

Oh, and OA taught me how to binge and purge. But it also taught me to love myself, so now I'm not a closet eater. I have NO problem eating in public.

Diane, I totally understand that "great big hole that needs to be filled." It's exactly why I eat, drink, spend, gamble, take pain pills, eat some more, then drink. It's why I have a credit card to my favorite Jeweler (hubby doesn't even know about my Jewelry Express card!)

And it's up to me to find out what that "something" is but I've been searching for 30 years. I don't have babies, which sucks. I don't have parents, which sucks. I don't have a best-friend-sister, which sucks. I'm very lonely, but it's not the kind of lonely that can be cured - it's just who I am. I have a beautiful, wonderful husband (that pokes me and drives me nuts, but I'm still madly in love with him.) But his favorite hobby is sleeping. Every night I watch him sleep, and then I eat myself into oblivion. I've got tons of friends & companions, but what I need is a damn Siamese twin. I know they can surgically be separated these days, but I'd like one attached.

I know that being lonely is probably my #1 problem. And lightening just struck me like a wild force because I remember my alcoholic father saying, "The reason I drink is because I'm lonely." Even though he vanished and I didn't meet him till I was an adult, I still got the "lonely" gene. Daddy never sent me a birthday card, but he gave me his F-d up genes. Thanks, Dad.

Lisa ~ I think you do love yourself. If you didn't, why would you have gotten the band in the first place? Like you said, you are having head-hunger which is, as we have seen here, a common demon in many of our lives. Yes, I do think it goes back to filling a need of some sort. Did that need come from our childhood? Perhaps it did for some, perhaps not. Only each person can speak to that. I'm also not sure we even know where this need comes from. All we know is that it's there and food helps us feel better.

IMO what TommyO was saying is that we need to give ourselves what we can't get from others. Is that forgiveness for you (as in anyone reading this) or is it something else? Find out what that is and maybe that will help.

It would be easy to offer advice and type "words of wisdom" all day long. I could act like I have some answers, but truth is, I can't answer that for myself right now. How can I answer that for someone else? All I can do is offer what little knowledge I learn and hear. Knowledge is one thing, but acting on it is a entire different ball game. It's nice to know you have others on your team in the same game. Thanks for bringing this up.....it's making me do some soul searching.

I need to check in with this thread because now I've really screwed up. My belly feels more FUCKED UP than ever. Boy oh boy oh boy, I should stick to liquids and mushies, but do I? Nope. Today feels like my last day UNLESS I get this bullshit under control, and YES I'm cursing.

I haven't called the doc yet since the only thing they'll be able to do is yet another Upper GI or endo, as if my insurance pays for those things monthly. It feels as if I tore my pouch open (I still had a pouch after band removal.)

I'm not looking for answers here since I already know what to do. I just came back for all them hugs. HOLD ME!

Consider yourself hugged!! :hug:

Lisa, :hug: :hug: :hug:!!!!!

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. Big strong vibes for sanity and good health!!

Lisa, I am sending hugs your way.....I hope all is well with you!!! You have been through enough.....I know personally that it sucks not to have a band to help us, but I think we all feel better with the band gone! Cheers to us!

((((((hugs)))))) to you, Lisa. I sure hope you get things under control and start feeling better soon. You can do it - you have a STRONG mind!

(((((((((((((((((((Lisa))))))))))))))))))))
Lisa, I think I can trust this forum enough to give you my phone number here and BEG you to call me..(775)-220-4928.... PM me your number I will call you!!! You are only a 45 min plane ride away!!! I have read this thread and actually cried (crocodile tears) with a few of the responses here. I hate to think of you suffering and hurting. It breaks my heart that someone I CARE about is hurting. If you need a friendly voice on the other end of the phone...call me!!
So, know that when you are laying in bed next to your sleeping husband, that I am up here in Reno sitting next to my sleeping boyfriend wishing I could talk to someone too. I would love to share so much more with you.
I was thinking about this last night as I got off work and came home to the boy friend already asleep in bed at 915. I sooo needed to talk to some one. Whenever I ask people at the support group meetings to exchange numbers I get the " I am doing GREAT with my band" line and no one wants to talk. No one in the surgeon's office knows what it is like to be fat so talking to the nurses there is like talking to a text book. They spew text book answers at me. So,with my best friend unavailable due to dealing with her transgender girl/boyfriend issues, I headed to the kitchen and decided to eat my dinner at 945. I ate a cereal bowl full of tortilla chips with salsa then proceeded to eat two all beef hotdogs (no bun) and then was still empty inside and ate two handfuls of wheat thins and a handful of lemon drops.
I made myself quit eating and go to sleep with the tv on the timer.
I woke up this morning with RANCID breath and an inate desire to keep up the old pattern. I made myself two scrambled eggs and two pieces of sourdough toast. I told myself that I would stop eating when I was FULL. I only fisnished the eggs and one piece of toast. I was very proud of myself...It is a very small victory to leave one piece of toast behind but I know it is a start. This thread is not about me but ,I am shareing what I know, which is me. I hope that in some small way it can help you all to know that others are going through it too.
Again, Lisa, PLEASE Call me. I dont have all the answers but I do have a heart and I am willing to share it with you, as you have done so with yours with all of us here at LBT.
I have no sisters, I have no husband, I have no children. I have two cats and a boy friend who is working on his own issues. I have love and friendship and support to offer you. Please call me.

Well Lisa, your pain is felt by all with a heart, and judging by these posts, you have alot of people who care about you. Thank you for your complete honesty that inspires everyone else to share and care. Pain can only be lessened by sharing with other people. There are so many feeling lonely and empty, the beauty of this forum is that now we all have a way to change what causes us to repeat a terrible cycle of binging and feeling bad about ourselves. You certainly know the routine: Okay, I'll eat this and get it out of my system. Then it's well, now I might as well eat whatever I want today and tomorrow I'll eat right, heck, I'll even do all protien shakes and exercise. Now that the way is clear...wait, what's that?" Why tummy! You rotten bast$%d! Are you insisting that I drive to McDonald's just because you think you need a big mac and large fries? That's insane! Do you realize it's 11:00 at night? I won't do it and that's final. Hey don't you growl at me! If I go it will be my idea and not yours!!! I'm the boss! A chocolate shake too? What the hell, you know I love you, you demanding little monkey. Hey, let's get 2 big macs and a coulple of apple pies too, okay?" Lisa, does this sound even vaguely familiar? Hopefully your scenario is a little more "sane" than this, but the similarities are probably close. I have no idea what it would be like to only eat when I'm hungry, do people actually do that? I hope that I at the very least got you to smile, it's what I do best and it makes me very happy. Take care of yourself, no one else has the power to make the right choices for you. You sound like a remarkable lady and I hope to hear from you soon. Till then just remember how many of us care about you Lisa. See ya!

hi everyone
I have read so many different outlooks on why we are fat. I think we are fat for our own reasons, and speaking for oneself I think helps us look at oneself. I can relate to you lisa in the sense of loneliness. i have recently discovered in the past few years why and how i have gained so much weight. I have a husband that is out of my bed at least five nights a week. He is a firefighter and a paramedic. So some nights he never gets to sleep. We have three children so when he does sleep with me he tends to fall asleep when we are talking because he is so tired. I have family a sister, brothers, sister in-laws, friends and children but I still feel very alone. I feel like a single mother which wipes me out, along with working and taking care of a household. I can totally relate to the eating, spending, drinking, gambling ect. I was 150 lbs when I met my husband 10 years ago. My all time high was 300lbs. Being fat I think of as a costume, if you will, to hide inside of. I think for everyone its for there own reasons. I have another issue why I hide behind my fat, its because I'm petrified of men. I have been in emotional and physically abusive relationships, along with being raped twice 3 months apart by two different men. I have not been back to my doctor because he has made me feel shame and guilt for not living up to his expectations. I'm going to see him in two weeks and I'm not going to let him give me any crap. big hugs to you.

I eat completely for emotional and psychological reasons also. Always did. I eat because I am lonely, angry, frustrated, enraged. Then on the other side of the coin, I eat to celebrate. There is a book out there somewhere called. "Its not what your eating, but whats eating you." Maybe finding a local chapter of OA would be a good idea. I am starting Jenny Craig tomorrow. This will give me the opportunity to deal with BOTH the physical and emotional eating I am going through. Karel

Yep. My "fat suit" helps me be invisible. I know, I actually take up more room but I rarely attract interaction, especially from men. There is a comforting feeling in that. Now 45 and past menopause, I sort of feel less worried about that. I feel more confident or else I just don' t care what people think as much. Probably a combination of both. I eat when I am bored. I went through emotional withdrawals after surgery and when my band is so tight I can't eat solids. It is like I have to have some form of escape/entertainment. It used to be drugs (70's ya know), then I quit that and it was men for quite some time. In 2000 my mom had a stroke (obesity related of course) and was completely disabled so I moved to care for her. My boyfriend at the time couldn't handle it so he bailed. I immediately started gaining weight and put on about 70 pounds. Thanks to the band, I am down almost 60.

I just read through this entire thread, and decided to risk the following contribution: regardless of the cause of loneliness, one thing that always works to make you feel better...REALLY better, not the temporary better of drinking, drugs and food...is to DO SOMETHING for others. Serving others, finding a purpose for life besides yourself, is something that will help you fill the lonely spot.
The secret is that the serving others thing can't be done to make yourself look good, because that is really serving yourself.
I hope this suggestion is taken in the spirit given...it is sad to read of all the loneliness and hurt. Let's get out there and DO SOMETHING! God knows, there's plenty to do.

SO true................there is nothing like helping others. Afterwards, however, I..............tend to ..............want.....to.......reward myself......with a snack.