Letting go of anger

lindata · 02-19-2008, 12:45 AM

I am so sick of being angry at everything, all the little things in life. What are some ways of letting go of anger that you have found helpful? I need more Zen in my life.

**Wheetsin** · 02-19-2008, 01:10 AM

The biggest thing for me is to get at the root. Understanding that there is no "you made me angry," but only, "x happened and my reaction to it was anger" also helps me. So - I figure out what I'm angry about, and then I figure out why I'm angry. From there, is it something I can change? If yes, what do I need to do? If no, why am I angry about it?

That's overs-simplified, it's not always quite that easy! But that's what I do - look at the roots of the problem, and then look at them in terms of my ability to effect change.

I'm not one to feel better after talking about it. if anything, I'm more angry because I just had to relive the circumstances of my anger. So I internalize. But you can't just internalize and stop there, so I try to internalize only long enough to resolve.

chocolate_snaps · 02-19-2008, 01:13 AM

Therapy has helped me alot. But its still a struggle. I try to remember that everyone has problems, not everything is life or death, and the world does not actually revolve around me.
One of the biggest tools that has helped me is stop myself when I feel like I am getting angry over something small or insignificant I ask myself "what are you really angry at" because it is hardly ever the "little thing" which has actually gotten me into a tizzy.

I also have found it helpful to not complain too much. Also I stay away from Pity Parties, and since doing so I dont get invited to them much anymore (which helps). All of this works to clear my head and environment of unnecessary negativity and that transfers to my my actions and interactions (or lack there of because negative people tend to steer clear of positive people).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wheetsin

The biggest thing for me is to get at the root. Understanding that there is no "you made me angry," but only, "x happened and my reaction to it was anger" also helps me. So - I figure out what I'm angry about, and then I figure out why I'm angry. From there, is it something I can change? If yes, what do I need to do? If no, why am I angry about it?

Wheetsin, well said! I agree and thats the kind of thing I do myself. But I usually feel better after sussing out what is really pissing me off.

Marimaru · 02-19-2008, 02:13 AM

When I found myself that angry I went on anti-depressants for the first time. I was on Paxil, which worked pretty well. Then I went off of that (thinking I was doing ok), and then all of the sudden everything made me cry. I started on wellbutrin, and then also got some counseling that I had been putting off, heh. The wellbutrin I still take, because if I don't, I get weepy of stupid stuffs.

green · 02-19-2008, 12:50 PM

I have suffered from anger issues throughout my entire life. My parents claimed that my first word was not mama nor papa but no!
The way I now see it is that this issue of anger is a complicated one. Rage will likely have a big bunch of its root causes in the array of frustrations which we all have come to experience while quietly attempting to live our lives. Many of these frustrations will inevitably be encountered whenever we find ourselves colliding against our fellow humans.
Clever and well organised people will never, ever be able to feel anything less than irritation when dealing with those folks who have fewer smarts, lousy organizational skills, and offensive interpersonal social skills. Folks like myself sure do grow quickly frustrated with idiots/slow pokes.
It is, however, important to understand that those folks who work in low paying service industry jobs - and they are often the most irritating, eh - are either none too capable or are possibly bitter about the disrespect with which they have been treated by previous customers. This means that you will reap the attitude.
The second issue to do with anger and its management is personal to the individual who is experiencing the anger. It has to do with the owner of the anger and no one else. I myself have always been an angry person and this is being treated through a combination of anti-depressants (I am also someone who suffers from major depression) and talk therapy.
It is true that once my depression is under control I am much calmer in my own mind (less self-destructive, that is) and therefore I am much more capable of distancing myself from those knee-jerk responses to my destructive emotions. In my particular case rage would be the biggie.

**Kat817** · 02-19-2008, 01:02 PM

You have been given excellent advice---all very serious and from the heart. Mine is a bit more light hearted.
I learned this from a good friend...watched it in action, and it made me laugh!

When someone in a store or in traffic does something that makes her irritated, she gets this "look" half frown, wide eyed, kind of confused, but like she is trying to hold in a laugh---and gives them this look. When she did it the first time to a rude shoe saleswoman, I ask her what was wrong with her--you looked at her like she had a booger hanging out of her nose or something! She said yep, and for the next few minutes she will wonder why I thought she looked wierd! She said if she makes them question themselves it gives them both time to cool down, and she knows something they don't!

Sounds strange--but I have seen it in action! Teri (my friend) calms down just to do the "look"....and it totally takes the wind out of their sails, they start checking their face, and their clothes, and their hair! And she walks off often laughing!

I have tried it, with a definite amount of success. I unfortunately have a harder time hanging on to my temper long enough to pull it off.

Kat

lindata · 02-19-2008, 06:00 PM

Thanks so much everyone. I got something out of each of your responses.

[quote=chocolate_snaps;728604]
I also have found it helpful to not complain too much. Also I stay away from Pity Parties, and since doing so I dont get invited to them much anymore (which helps). All of this works to clear my head and environment of unnecessary negativity and that transfers to my my actions and interactions (or lack there of because negative people tend to steer clear of positive people).

quote]

This does help. I've noticed that the more I talk negative or the more I swear or say Oh God, then I do even more the next day. I remember a time when I was the most positive person on earth, always happy, always had a good word to say about someone, and held in anything bad I had to say. I know I was a lot happier then.

Sunwyse · 02-21-2008, 01:22 AM

I very much believe in therapy. But therapy can be talking with a good friend who will just listen, over a coffee.

One thing my sister did was bash her pillow or sit down with a screw driver and old pot and just hack at it for ages. It helped to get rid of the energy behind the anger.

**Jack** · 02-21-2008, 02:02 PM

re: "how to manage anger".....

I was told this story years ago....

Two monks sworn to chastity and purity of body and spirit, were walking from one distant monastery to another....the younger monk took the opportunity to question the older monk at length about various methods of dealing with the 'ways of the world' at large, in which he was confronted with conflicts to his simple life style.....The older monk in turn enjoyed verbalizing some of the lessons he had learned from his own master so many years before.....

They came to a stream, swollen by recent rains, and found the only way across was to roll up their robes and carefully make their way across the current. A beautiful young woman was waiting there, unable to cross without help. The older monk had her mount him piggy-back style, and he cautiously managed to get them both across without any major problem. The woman thanked him and offered a small gift for his monastery.

They all went on their way. Over the course of the afternoon, the younger monk became sullen. He walk became stiffer and more labored, and his mood increasingly agitated. When they finally stopped for their evening prayers, he angrily confronted the older monk, saying 'Our way has no contact with women!!! How can you violate our teaching by actually touching a woman!!!' and so forth.

As the young monk finally ran out of his tirade, the older man chuckled and said "I can see why you are so angry. I put that woman down at the side of the river. You've been carrying her all day."

I grow less weary and less tired, simply by setting down my load at the riverside and walking away.

sfeiner · 02-21-2008, 03:19 PM

You are such a wise man Jack. I wish I knew you in person.

sfeiner · 02-21-2008, 03:26 PM

Back to anger....I try to remember that the anger I am feeling is tearing me up while the person I am so furious with doesn't even know it. They aren't suffering my anger. I'm the one suffering. Do I want to suffer because of them? No way. I can either let it go or let them know in a civil way that they hurt me and how I felt when they did that, said that or whatever. Then I just have to decide how imporant it is too me. If it's someone I will never see again, what's the point of dwelling on it. If it's something I have to deal with on a regular basis I better confront them and tell them how I feel when they do or say whatever it is. Does that make sense?