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green · 11-12-2006, 02:16 PM

When I was young and on the eve of my marriage I told my father that I thought that sexual infidelity was the worst thing that a marriage could endure. He was amused by my answer. I was very young but it was my husband's sexual infidelity that ended my marriage. Looking back I now realise that this had been the last straw; he had been a lousy husband.
For the past 20 plus years I have been living with a very good man. I believe that our relationship would survive an episode of infidelity if both partners wanted it to remain intact. What it would not survive is spousal abuse, psychological/physical, or financial cheating. If I were to find out that my mate had robbed me of my financial security through years of consistently irresponsible behaviour, I would leave him. If I lived with an abusive man, I would leave him. If my mate, who has always been a loving, responsible, and nurturing human being, had strayed, I would be horribly hurt and I would probably want to know why he had cheated, but I would want to give our relationship another shot.
As we all know, marriage is for the long haul and during this time we see our loved one in all phases - the good, the bad, and the ugly. There are times when we are out of sync in our emotional and physical needs. We shouldn't turn to other people, but some people are vulnerable and they do. I hope this never happens to my relationship nor to anyone else's, of course, but we humans are complicated, imperfect, and often lonely creatures.

Carlene · 11-12-2006, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by green

When I was young and on the eve of my marriage I told my father that I thought that sexual infidelity was the worst thing that a marriage could endure. He was amused by my answer. I was very young but it was my husband's sexual infidelity that ended my marriage. Looking back I now realise that this had been the last straw; he had been a lousy husband.
For the past 20 plus years I have been living with a very good man. I believe that our relationship would survive an episode of infidelity if both partners wanted it to remain intact. What it would not survive is spousal abuse, psychological/physical, or financial cheating. If I were to find out that my mate had robbed me of my financial security through years of consistently irresponsible behaviour, I would leave him. If I lived with an abusive man, I would leave him. If my mate, who has always been a loving, responsible, and nurturing human being, had strayed, I would be horribly hurt and I would probably want to know why he had cheated, but I would want to give our relationship another shot.
As we all know, marriage is for the long haul and during this time we see our loved one in all phases - the good, the bad, and the ugly. There are times when we are out of sync in our emotional and physical needs. We shouldn't turn to other people, but some people are vulnerable and they do. I hope this never happens to my relationship nor to anyone else's, of course, but we humans are complicated, imperfect, and often lonely creatures.

Excellent points, Green. I know many people who swore they would leave and never look back if their spouses cheated. When push came to shove, however, many of them stayed and tried to work thru it. Some of the ones who left told me later that they wished they hadn't. One woman said to me, "What did I gain? I left and she got my husband with the big income and my really nice house - all by default. I should at least have made her fight for it!"

green · 11-12-2006, 02:54 PM

Oh, Carlene, my current viewpoint has come about because I have been dragged unwillingly to the point where I am now an old fart. I have observed a lot of relationships and seen a lot of compromises that seem to observers to make no sense at all and yet they work for the two people who are involved.

BJean · 11-14-2006, 01:22 AM

The worst part of infidelity is not the sexual act itself. The thing that hurts the most is the secret.

When you love someone and you are trying to have a great relationship, it is very damaging for one person to have a part of their life secret from the other. Communication is the key. For a couple to master the art of good communication, there are a couple of components that need to be present: respect and trust.

Without respect and trust the marriage commitment can quickly go by the wayside.

Good people wind up divorced for miriad reasons, but if a couple communicates well and respects and trusts each other their odds of getting a divorce are greatly reduced.

If an indiscretion takes place, for whatever reason, but there is still an ability for the couple to communicate and discover the reason for the indiscretion, the marriage can be saved.

Infidility, as Green pointed out, is not necessarily the worst thing that one spouse can do to another in a marriage.

Sunta · 11-14-2006, 01:54 PM

I'm not 100% certain that monogamy is a "natural" state for a human being to exist in. If we were to add up all of the people who cheat, all of the people who have open marriages, all of the people who have open relationships, and all of the swingers, etc. I think the sheer percentage of people who are not monogamous would be staggering. Therefor, I believe it is a natural behavior to be non-monogamous. That being said, I think it is wonderful for those who wish to practice it. I certainly don't condone it if a couple has made a promise to be monogamous and then they break their promise, but I don't think it makes anyone a "bad" person if they fail to conform to a societal norm that's not really a natural state to be in. It makes them a disappointment to their spouse because they failed to keep their promise, but it doesn't make them "bad". Every couple must decide what works for them and then do their best to honor their agreement.