Joke Thread

DeLarla · 12-30-2004, 11:09 AM

Some of you noticed the joke thread was gone. Well, I posted that thread as an impulse, but the next day I felt stupid so I deleted it. But too many people noticed it gone, so here it is again. We can always use a good laugh! xo

kellymoos · 12-30-2004, 12:07 PM

How do u delete your own thread????

A good joke????

Can't think of one off of the top of my head right now.....I will get back with you..

Have a Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DeLarla · 12-30-2004, 12:44 PM

To delete an entire thread (you had to start it) just hit the edit button. It will bring you to a place that asks you if you want to delete it. Make sure to click on the box at the left before hitting "delete."

HAPPY NEW YEAR RIGHT BACK ATCHA!

rachelsroses · 12-30-2004, 12:50 PM

A couple of jokes my mom just told me............

Semi Religious (NOT):
Everyone is in church one sunday in the country, when all of the sudden in the middle of the sermon, the devil descends into the church. EVERYONE runs screeming from the church except the minister and one old farmer. The devil turns to the minister and says, "I know why you didn't leave, you preach against me every Sunday, but why didn't he leave". The old farmer says, "I thought you would recognize me, I've been married to you sister for 38 years."

Non dirty:
A woman goes into a bar and walks up to the bartender. Says "you got to help, you got to help me i am desperate." I need five hundred dollars, and I am soooooo desperate I will do anything. He says "anything" she says "anything, I need five hundred dollars desperately". So he goes to the cash register and pulls out five hundred dollars and hands it to her, and says PAINT MY HOUSE!!!!!!!

Dirty:
An older gentleman was persuing an older ladie constantly around the retirement home, DESPERATE to go to bed with her. She didn't want to have anything to do with him! Finally, he is soooooo desperate, he says "I WILL GIVE YOU 2500.00 dollars." She says ok then. They go to bed, afterwards he is ecstatic. He says "That was unbelievable, if I had know you were a virgin, I would have given you 5,000.00." She said, "If I had known you could get still get it up I would have taken off my panty hose."

Rachel B
330/hopeful

DeLarla · 12-30-2004, 12:59 PM

Good ones! My original thread said I'd pound a glass of water for each chuckle, so I just finished one and working on my 2nd. Keep 'em coming!

whippledaddy · 12-30-2004, 10:52 PM

Two Irishmen leave a bar.

It COULD happen.

Curley · 12-30-2004, 11:18 PM

Im really bad at jokes & always halh remember them... but here goes:

A mature aged lady goes to her doc for a face lift. Amazingly there is a new invention that will supposidly solve all her problems. Its a device that is fitted & there is a skrew put at the back of your head that can be turned to ever tighten the face lift as need be.

Well, the lady was estatic & desperately wanted the new face lift. All went well & the lady went away very happy with her new younger looking face. Years went by & all the lady had to do was turn the nob at the back of her head to lift the skin as it sagged. It seemed like a dream come true. However after 10 years or so the lady noticed some unusual things that concerned her. She went back to her doctor & queried why she suddenly had these big bags under her eyes.

The doctor almost fell off her chair in shock. The doctor yelled out `those arent bags, you must have tightened the device too much...those are your boobs!`. To which the lady responded..` Well, I guess that explains the new goaty on my chin!`.

I also have a religious type joke:

Two men were standing at the pearly gates waiting to go into heaven.
They were asked questions about their fidelity, good deeds etc.
One of the guys was without fault. He had never cheated on his wife, he had been a helpful husband, honest & caring. He had never belted her or even looked at another woman. He was given a Roles Royce to drive in heaven.

The other guy was not without faults. He had had an affair, but only one & it was brief. He had dabbled in pornagraphy. He liked to drink with his mates & he didnt help out with the kids. This guy was given a Ford Commodore to drive in heaven.

Well, one day the Ford guy drives past the RR guy & notices he is crying his eyes out. What on earth are you crying for, he askes. You have everything, look at you, you are driving a RR for G-ds sack!

The RR guy answers ` Yes, but I just saw my wife. And shes driving a scooter!`

**Jack** · 12-31-2004, 12:56 AM

so Shaun went to his priest and through his tears said "Father, I just lost the best friend I've ever had...my trusted dog, Old Shep.....would ye be willing to have a service for him"....

the priest thought briefly and told Shaun that he was sorry to report the schedule of his duties just wouldn't allow such a use of his time....

So Shaun is gone from the church for a few days but comes back to see the priest...and says "Father, I've found a Methodist minister who will do the service for Old Shep...do ya think making a donation of $2000 to his church would be appropriate for such a tremendous and welcomed service in my grief".....

the priest stood up and say, "Shaun, now, ye never told me Old Shep was a Catholic"....

paula · 12-31-2004, 08:01 AM

Lisa - You get a slap on the wrist for deleting that thread (lol)!!!!
I thought it was an awesome thread idea!
Ryan's jokes were hilarious - even hubby read them!

whippledaddy · 12-31-2004, 08:22 PM

Three elderly gents are sitting at the nursing home. The first man says, "I'm seventy years old, and it ain't too bad, except I wish I could have a good pee."

The second man said, "Well, I'm eighty, and I have a good pee every morning. I just wish I could have one good bowel movement."

The third man leaned forward in his wheelchair. He pointed a finger at the other two "Well, I'm Ninety years old. I take a good pee every morning at seven. I take a healthy BM every morning at eight." Then he leaned back in his chair, and staring straight ahead he said "I just wish I could get out of bed before nine."

leatha_g · 01-01-2005, 12:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whippledaddy

Two Irishmen leave a bar.

It COULD happen.

LMAO.. too funny! (I'm part Irish);)

NancySmiles · 01-01-2005, 12:59 PM

LOL!!! Hey Greg !! I LOVE IT!!!
Does it work on POUNDS too???
hmmmmmmm not so easy..but with the band it helps!!!
Thanks!

N*

Laserjock · 01-01-2005, 07:13 PM

A blonde is driving through the country along some cotton fields when she sees another blonde sitting out in the middle of the field in a rowboat rowing her fanny off. Furious, she stops the car and steps to the edge of the field and yells at the woman:

"I cannot believe you!! You are the reason we blondes have developed such a bad reputation!!!..."

"If I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass!!!"

TrishS · 01-02-2005, 12:17 AM

I hope your not talking about the two non lapbanded people Me and Jamie hehehehehe We will get there!!! ----------- Down the LAP-BAND^® road we go hehehe

Wait... isnt that a Blond joke???? Geeee and Im not even blonde hahaha

Jammin & Losin · 01-02-2005, 12:21 AM

Jammin and loosen is blonde !!!! I don't take offence to blonde jokes anymore!!!!