How do you get (and keep) a friend?

annieM · 04-20-2008, 08:38 AM

I'm feeling isolated here guys. I'm 48 and a stay at home mom and my three (count 'm , three) friends are very busy people. When I'm bored and lonely I want to eat. Not good for the diet.
So how do you extroverts do it? Really I'm clueless, so keep it simple.

Jaymie72 · 04-20-2008, 10:22 AM

I too am a stay at home mom and yes it is sooooo hard to not just sit and eat all day. I goto church and that is where I meet a lot of my friends. We plan things together. Like my one girlfriend, her and I will catch a matinee movie while the kids are at school. That is so much fun and I just order a small popcorn and water. I have also gone on my own while the kids are at school. There are also different groups depending on the ages of your children. In our area there is MOPS, Mothers of Preschoolers. They have like biweekly meetings where the kids can play and moms can talk. I hope these help. My biggest suggestion would be find what interests you and get a hobby. Mine is theater so I do community theater. It is a blast and I have made some really good friends. Good luck!

ReadySteadyGo · 04-20-2008, 11:54 AM

You have to leave the house. You have to get involved in something where you can meet someone with interest like yours. You take that first step by extending an invitation.

Then you support them, you keep in touch, you build a friendship. Kind of like any other relationship.

The hardest part is showing up and getting started. Its hard to break out of the shell.

Blund · 04-20-2008, 12:04 PM

I'm 44 and a stay-at-home mom with 3 kids (5,7,9yrs) too. 2 years ago, we moved back where DH and I grew up to raise the kids and be closer to our families. I have one good friend here who is very busy. We've been friends since 3rd & 4th grade! She's a teacher and does LOTS of extra activities with the school and has a teen-aged daughter. She does have summers off, so is more available then, but during the school year - forget it. I'm not sure how I'm going to handel it. I bought some crochet hooks a while back, so maybe I'll keep my hands busy with that. Also, my computer is as far from the frig as it possibly can be and time just FLIES by when I'm on this thing!

As far as making friends, its never been easy for me. I'm more the type to have 2 or 3 good friends, than a whole big group. I don't know how old your kids are annieM, but mine are getting more involved in soccer, softball, basketball, etc. and it is a big social event for parents. DH and I had SO MANY friends where we moved from, its really been a tough adjustment.

Sorry, I'm rambling...........

**FairyFacade** · 04-20-2008, 12:19 PM

Getting out & joining a group is the best idea. I don't know about mommy groups personally, but that sounds like a good place to start! I moved around a lot right out of high school, but I joined bowling leagues everywhere I went, and always made good friends from it.

Pix · 04-20-2008, 12:24 PM

Get out and get moving!! Volunteer at your kids school, start going to readings at your local library, find a craft store that has class's for things you enjoy (scrap booking? yarn/needle work? Framing?) You would be amazed at how fast you will make friends when you share a common interest.

**Kat817** · 04-20-2008, 12:32 PM

As a stay at home Mom, you (OP) did not say what the ages of your kids are, but they are a great way to make an entrance in an effort to make friends. You can volunteer at school---just avoid their classes--let them have their independence. They put volunteers to work doing multitudes of things---from putting together school sponsored newsletters, to helping a child one on one with their reading. You meet teacher, other parents, aides, janitorial staff--lots of people.
If your kids are into sports, help out there.
Get your local newspaper, if there is a group rallying to get a new park put in, get involved! Find out if Habitat for Humanity is doing anything in your area---go help out, it has been an awesome experience both times we did it!
If you like animals, donate some time to the local shelter---you meet other like minded people.
Take a cooking class, in a cuisine you don't normally cook!
Put an ad in your paper, and start a LAP-BAND^®^® Support! Or a WLS support in general.

Then just treat the people you come into contact with, the same way you would want to be treated. Ask questions, listen to the answers, and don't overwhelm yourself with so many new people at once that you don't remember the things you learned!!!
You could call the Chamber of Commerce in your town/city, and find out if they have any city sponsored welcoming committee. Some do, some don't. Ironically it was mostly neighborhoods in big cities that I found had them!!!
Denver does it, or at least several of the suburbs, they have a club type of thing that goes around to business gathering things to add to welcome baskets, or bags, fridge magnets, coupons, etc. then they assemble them and take them to recently purchased homes in the city. Includes lists of restaurants, Dr.'s phone numbers for Animal control, garbage collection-------that type of thing.
This would put you in contact with people who are also relocating, and in need of companionship in their new locale....

Good Luck----
Kat

green · 04-20-2008, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by annieM

I'm feeling isolated here guys. I'm 48 and a stay at home mom and my three (count 'm , three) friends are very busy people. When I'm bored and lonely I want to eat. Not good for the diet.
So how do you extroverts do it? Really I'm clueless, so keep it simple.

Although I have a lot of friends in real life I have also acquired a rich virtual life thanks to the internet in general and to LBT in particular. Finding forums such as this one can occupy one's intellect and one's emotions and keep one away from the fridge simply because posting is a two-handed activity. Because of my positive experience with the internet (and the band and the role which LBT has played) I guess my advice would be to exploit and enjoy the net.
As for making friends in real life, this can become challenging as one grows older. A lot of our most enduring friendships are made while we are young and single - in highschool, university, and of course we meet people at work. A stay at home mum whose best friends have outside jobs is going to feel kind of lonely. This is because you don't have the same material to "share" anymore. Your time is spent differently and your needs will be of a different order, too.
This is why I am going to suggest that you volunteer in an area which means something to you. You might also want to take a night class in something which interests you. The third way to make friends is to get yourself a charming puppy and take the animal for walks; this will be good for your health and good for your social life.

Jachut · 04-20-2008, 05:23 PM

When I was a stay at home mother (I'm a sahm and a university student now) I never spent a day at home. I always made reasons to go out. I couldnt stand sitting round the house, I found it so boring and I dont personally get a lot of satisfication from a clean house, spotless floors and ironed shirts in the wardrobe. I took my babies out. I went and visited my mum and my sister a lot, I would window shop, I joined the gym and went every morning (put the kids in the creche there), and when it got too boring, I got a part time job instead. That got me through 8 years or so, then Eliza was born and once she turned one, I returned to study, i cannot wait to go back to work at the end of next year.

I still gained a ton of weight, the last 12 years is when I have gradually gotten fat and taken the weight off again. Its a boring lonely life in many ways, and I was kind of forced into it just due to the way the system works in Australia (its not particularly advantageous to have a husband who earns a six figure income if you want to return to work!) and the way I felt at the time about putting my children into child care.

Once they were at school, I made friends and was much more active socially, as most of my longer term friends dont really live near me. These days its a whirl of visiting kids, dropping kids off, basketball, football, swimming, two different schools where I have friends, university where I have friends etc. The early days were tough though.

So yeah, I still got fat, becuase you do have a lot of time to sit around and eat etc and there were a few years there with a baby and a toddler where exercise went out the window, but at least being so busy made the time a bit more bearable. I'm not really temperamentally suited to playing June Cleaver, lol. Domestic is not my middle name.

annieM · 04-21-2008, 06:40 AM

Thank you for all your replies and advice. My kids are teens (twins 16, 17 and nephew 18) and they all drive now. I have two years until they are all in collage and I will have to get a job to keep my sanity. I did a lot of school volunteer stuff when the kids were little but I found the other moms to be very clique-ish and into the queen -bee stuff.
I will keep trying. Keep the advice coming!

Luscious · 04-21-2008, 06:57 AM

How about killing two birds with one stone - join a gym, or join a sports team, walking club, tennis club - take up golf.

I've been looking around locally for a "mature" ladies netball team.

lindata · 04-21-2008, 04:59 PM

Annie, it sounds like you're similar to me - a few good friends, not a LOT of acquaintances. I like books, so joining book clubs was good for me. Like everyone said - find something you're interested in and go join a team/group/meeting. One tip - don't make friends with the people who think going out to eat is a great outing, or getting together to eat and talk, etc. That will defeat the purpose!

**Wheetsin** · 04-21-2008, 05:09 PM

As a very, very strong introvert I find this thread fascinating. People are largely disposable to me. I do not have any lifelong friends. The closest would be a girl I was tight with in college, and we maybe exchange an email every 2 years. There are a select few people I need in my life. Outside of them, no one matters.

My husband is the opposite. He's definitely the social butterfly, strong extrovert. On top of that, he moved to America about 10 years ago, in his 20s. So he had to leave behind his established friends. AND, if you think of where people here tend to make friends (school, growing up, clubs, etc.) he didn't really have access to that stuff anymore. I've been trying to encourage him to make friends, but he's not your typical Joe. Everyone likes him, but it's going to be hard for him to find a real friendship-type connection with someone.

I try to moderate my personality in a way that will make things easier on him, and try to bit the bullet and do social things in hopes of making his life that much better, but he has his own akwardness when it comes to clicking with people.

So I'm definitely keeping an eye on this thread...

tapshoes · 04-22-2008, 02:40 PM

I have lived in multiple places and with each move I make more friends and develop a social network. Then usually within 3 years, I move again, and until I met DH, I was always on my own. I have friends I have accumulated since Kindergarten and they are still my friends! Everytime I leave one place, I mourn that I am leaving my latest friends.

Getting a social network is difficult, but it can be done. I spend time in each new place finding the groups that like to do what I do (gardening, needlework, writing, cooking) or involved in the same causes I have been (animal rescue, habitat for humanity, literacy) or with whom I share something. Even now DH is amazed that within a matter of weeks moving to yet another city in which we know no one, I have started a network of connections which inevitably leads to a network of friends.

Who knows, some day I may meet some of you in person, and we too will become friends!

VegasGrace · 04-22-2008, 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by annieM

I'm feeling isolated here guys. I'm 48 and a stay at home mom and my three (count 'm , three) friends are very busy people. When I'm bored and lonely I want to eat. Not good for the diet.
So how do you extroverts do it? Really I'm clueless, so keep it simple.

I'm 38, haven't had a real friend since the 8th grade.
Retired from the military (who has time for friends...and move so much)
And haven't had a date in 10 years.

You didn't mention if you had a hubby, but if you do.... ensure he is your best friend. Lean on those at church, or scrabble groups.

My twin, the queen of extroverts tells me to say at least 5 words to every person that speaks to me. She had me practice at the check out, at the gas station. I'm a 'yes/no' - nouns and verbs...no need for prepositions, adj or adverbs!

So, you have me if you ever want to talk.