*Holiday Eating Tips*

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season!

(PS, THESE ARE NOT Lap Band FRIENDLY TIPS, BUT I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT)

Pat---Have you been looking at my "to-do" list????

Kat

hahahahaha

Great. Tomorrow it's two bites ever 15 minutes from Dawn until Dusk!

:]

Uummmmm rum I think I need to go to oneeeee morrreeee store! Liquore store (how do you spell that if you have not been drinking)

ReneBean that is too funny:dance:

ahahahahah...you know when i started reading the first tip i was like...carrot stick...why not carrots? weird....um..duh heather!!:biggrin1: Too cute!

Words to live by!!

That's great! I love it!

If you are planning to give a party, the first thing you should do is lie down, take 5 deep breaths and think of the ocean or a mountain stream until the urge subsides. If, after meditating for quite awhile, you still plan to give a party, you should follow these rules:

• If you make sausage cheese balls, stand over them and eat all of them without letting anyone else have one. Tell them you suspect they are poisoned and you feel that it’s your duty to taste all of them.

• Make stuff ahead of time. By this I mean, buy stuff ahead of time. You can get great little quiches and spanikopitas (spelling?) and stuff like that at the grocery store. Buy some good tasting lunch meat and rolls and make little sandwiches, and the folks will think they are really uptown. I’m a believer in olives. My friend serves the Greek olives that taste absolutely horrible and have pits, but if you have to be uptown about it, they have some Greek olives with peppers stuffed in them that are edible. I like plain old green and black olives. Avoid olives with pits or you will be finding them all over your house for days. Do not make a salad or a vegetable plate. No one will eat it, and you’ll have to grind it all up in the disposal, or throw it in the yard hoping the birds will eat it though they never do. If you don’t have dogs, borrow some. They are great disposals. Do not give the dogs the margarita punch. You can borrow my dogs who will eat anything—peas, salad greens, cranberry jelly, anything.

• Have lots and lots of booze. If the guests are well oiled enough, they’ll listen to people talk about their grandchildren and actually act interested. I always make heavily laced Margarita punch which they love. With enough Margarita punch, they will swear yours is the best party they ever attended. Recipe for Margarita Punch: 2 or more bottles of Margarita mix, 1-2 bottles of Tequila per punchbowl depending on the size of the punchbowl. Lots of largish plastic cups or iced tea glasses. Ice.

• Buy a lot of cream cheese. You can spread a dab of cream cheese on a cracker and stick an olive or canned shrimp on it, and the guests will think they are at the Ritz. Another cream cheese trick for the really lazy is to plop a block of cream cheese on a plate and pour something like blackberry or currant jelly over it and add some parsley on the side. It looks great and with enough Margarita punch, guests will eat it. If you don’t have parsley, just put some celery leaves by it. It will taste terrible but if you have followed the Margarita punch instructions, it won’t matter.

• Have a carry-in. I like to do this. It saves a lot of work and the guests will generally eat the stuff they brought even though no one else will.

• If you insist on cooking fresh food, make the guests work. They love it and it delivers them from having to make small talk about their gallbladder operation or their trip to Cancun. I am a big fan of chili or Frito pie if I want to cook something. I made chili with Wick Fowler seasoning at one party, and one guest had enough Margarita punch that he swore that was the best chili he had ever had.

• Make more Margarita punch. Drink a lot of it.

If you are attending a party, there are some problems with etiquette I should cover:

Since you can never find a seat at a party to eat and drink because someone else has always gotten there first, there is a real problem in holding your plate and drink and eating. I find that if I hold the plate in my left hand and the drink in my right hand, I either spill the food or the drink. If I spill the drink, I usually just stand on the spot on the carpet until I figure that people won’t notice I messed it up. But with diligent research, I discovered the way to hold a plate and a drink at the same time and still eat. This requires a sort of genius that most of us don’t have. But here’s how to do it. You slide the edge of the plate between your little finger and third finger and set the drink on the plate. Then you eat and drink with the other hand. This works with paper or plastic plates which weigh about .000007 of a gram, but I haven’t tried it with real plates. I suppose if the plate is heavy you could put it between your 2nd and 3rd fingers, but I don’t know because I only attend cheap parties.

The plate trick works unless you have a fork. You can try to wedge the fork under some food, but after you eat that food, you’re out of luck. My solution is to lick the fork clean and put it in a pocket or your purse. Ladies can always stick it down their bras. If you are not wearing a bra, I recommend buying a fork garter and you can stick the fork in there. This is particularly useful at weddings where they use real silverware, so you can’t go back and get 3 or 4 forks. Really, the nerve of some people – only one fork per person!

I hope this has been helpful for the coming holiday season. If you don’t spill your drink, you can thank me.