Spouse Issues

nikki914 · 03-21-2008, 11:23 PM

I have been recently looking into the Lap Band. My brother had is about 16 months ago and looks great.

I will admit that my first reaction to his telling me was "this is the easy way out". But looking at myself, I realize that I have been choosing the easy way out by not doing anything. I have been overweight most of my life and now I am at the point where I have to have enough with a BMI of about 46.

I broached this with my husband who thinks that if we just tried we could do it and would not support my decision. Well, we have both been overweight since we met and have made attempts but nothing has stuck.

I am really looking into this procedure but would need my husband there and would want his "blessing". Has anyone else had this issue? My friends and family who I have spoken about this with think that it is a great idea - how do I continue conversations with my husband. THANK YOU!

Carrie_C · 03-21-2008, 11:36 PM

Hi, I am also having the same problem as you, except my husband is not overweight at all, he can eat all he wants and not gain a pound. So he has no idea what it is like to be overweight. I have filed all of the paperwork and I am just waiting to hear back from the insurance company. I wanted to have the surgery a long time ago, but he was so unsupportive that I just let it go. But I couldn't let it go any longer. I have a BMI of 41 and I feel like I will die if I don't do something. So I finally decided to do it, with or without his support. He thinks that I can do it on my own as well. He will not talk to me about it at all, and I think he is secretly hoping insurance won't pay. I have decided not to bring it up again until I hear back from the insurance company. I think you should go ahead and get started. Hopefully both of our husbands will come around. Good luck.

nikki914 · 03-21-2008, 11:45 PM

Hi Carrie. I am glad to hear that I am not the only one, but I am sorry that you are going through the same thing. We are also the same age, so maybe that has something to do with it! I am impressed that you were strong enough to get this process started on your own; that is a great first step. What approaches have you used with your spouse?

I am having some stomach issues so I am waiting for the results of some tests to come back before I get started. I looked up my insurance company's policy and judging from my BMI I should be OK with them.

**Kat817** · 03-21-2008, 11:47 PM

Would your brother be willing to come over and talk with you both together concerning the surgery?

Will DH go to the informational seminar with you? Maybe the Dr. would touch on whatever is worrying him.

Last suggestion would be to make a deal with him. Diet hard core for 3 months, then try to maintain the loss for 3 months longer, if you can do it, then keep going, if not, then it is time to discuss banding further. In the meantime, it would be beneficial to mention it to the Dr, so that those 6 months could be credited towards your Weight loss attempts.

I have no real experience with this, and mine was a bit trepiditious, but supportive at the same time, he has since been totally on board and thrilled with my results.

You also need to keep in mind, if you do decide to go to get banded together, he will likely lose twice as fast as you will!!! Life isn't always fair!!!

Good Luck----and welcome to LBT, nice to have you here!
Kat

mylapspirit · 03-21-2008, 11:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nikki914

I have been recently looking into the Lap Band. My brother had is about 16 months ago and looks great.

I will admit that my first reaction to his telling me was "this is the easy way out". But looking at myself, I realize that I have been choosing the easy way out by not doing anything. I have been overweight most of my life and now I am at the point where I have to have enough with a BMI of about 46.

I broached this with my husband who thinks that if we just tried we could do it and would not support my decision. Well, we have both been overweight since we met and have made attempts but nothing has stuck.

I am really looking into this procedure but would need my husband there and would want his "blessing". Has anyone else had this issue? My friends and family who I have spoken about this with think that it is a great idea - how do I continue conversations with my husband. THANK YOU!

Hi Niki!

My husband was totally against the whole thing in the begiining but then I sat him down and told him this is what is going to happen. He went to the first informational meeting with me and then every support meeting for a year. He then was hooked and has been my number one supporter now and is very proud of me. He brags about my success to everyone he sees!

It really was a matter of life and death for me. My quality of life sucked before the Lap Band.
Good luck to you and your decisions!
shelli

nikki914 · 03-21-2008, 11:56 PM

Thanks Kat.

I think your idea of 3 months of dieting may help as well as meeting with the doctor (but not sure yet if he would attend with me) We have not had too much conversation as it ends quickly with his lack of support comments. I could also deal with trepidicious but unsupportive it tough. I do not want him to think that I am lazy or taking the easy way out.

I wish I had a surefire way to have him see it my way.

Carrie_C · 03-22-2008, 12:00 AM

Hi nikki, I have tried explaining to him what might happen to me if I don't lose weight. I am young now, so I don't have that many health problems, but I'm sure that will change as I get older if I don't lose weight. I do have arthritis in both my knees, which causes me a lot of pain and I have tried telling him that the pain will probably go away when I lose weight. You could try talking to him about your health issues.

**Kat817** · 03-22-2008, 12:10 AM

Maybe he was too close to the weight loss with your brother, have him look through the before and afters here on LBT with you----they are VERY inspirational---showing it is not always easy----but it can be done!!!

Kat

nikki914 · 03-22-2008, 12:14 AM

Yes, my health and wanting a child in the next few years are key. I just wait for the comment that if I am so concerned, why would I not stop eating and lose weight without th proceedure?

JohnC · 03-22-2008, 12:19 AM

NIKKII & CARRIE- My DW was dead set against the surgery at first, but she did some research on her own & she recently told me if everything goes well with me she may also have the surgery. So there's a good chance your DH's will come around eventually. Good luck to both of you

SHELLI-Congrades on your success

mylapspirit · 03-22-2008, 12:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JohnC

NIKKII & CARRIE- My DW was dead set against the surgery at first, but she did some research on her own & she recently told me if everything goes well with me she may also have the surgery. So there's a good chance your DH's will come around eventually. Good luck to both of you

SHELLI-Congrades on your success

Thanks JohnC,

I finally have the "hope" in my life that I Will return to a normal weight and be able to do the things I used to love to do. Thank you for your support!
shelli

lfoss · 03-22-2008, 12:44 AM

My hubby also does not fully support my decision about the lap band. He went with me to my visit and met the dr and he was very cooperative there. We do not talk about the surgery but I do tell him when I am going for a pre op visit or test. He promised he would not do anything to hurt my chance of surgery if that is what I want , but I know there will be NO sympathy or patience for me if I need to complain about ANYTHING pertaining to it. I just use this web site for my support and I have a couple of friends that I can talk to also.

chattykathywlc · 03-22-2008, 12:57 AM

Hi I had the same problem with my hubby until one day I broke down crying about my weight and self loathing. He said he never knew I felt so bad about myself and my weight. He said that opened his eyes.
That was Thanksgiving weekend and I had my surgery 1-16-08. He has been a jewel, so supportive and excited about my weight loss.
We were in the grocery store today and he had a big smile on his face, I asked why. He said you have lost sooo much weight, you look so good.
I was good to see him enjoy it!
Open up and be honest with him about how much this means to you and hopefully he will see the light...good luck!
Kat

MollyMolly · 03-22-2008, 01:01 AM

Quote:

I just wait for the comment that if I am so concerned, why would I not stop eating and lose weight without the procedure?

Clearly you have both tried this already. Didn't work, did it?

Quote:

I do not want him to think that I am lazy or taking the easy way out.

Trust me, the band is not a good choice for the lazy nor is it an easy way out. It's a lot of work, actually. But at least I have the hope of being normal again now and have come a long way.

I love the way Jessie Ahroni puts this (she is my fill doc and she wrote

this book on banding). I quote:

Quote:

\"If you were in a burning house and you ran out the front door would people say \"you took the easy way out\"? Are you supposed to run upstairs and jump out the window? And make no mistake about it. Obesity is a burning house. It will damage your body permanently and it can KILL you. It's OK to run out the front door. WLS is a smart, safe, wise, decision. It's safer to have WLS than to remain fat. Staying fat is taking the easy way out.\"

I hope your hubby comes around... I know it would be hard to do this without his support and maybe you will choose not to. Whatever you do decide, best wishes!

Carrie_C · 03-22-2008, 10:45 AM

That is SO right about staying fat is the easy way out. I don't think I ever thought of it that way before. lfoss, I know exactly what you mean, my husband will have no sympathy for me either.