Why are YOU Fat?

rrogalla · 10-21-2005, 09:03 PM

I have been fat my entire life. That I remember...

I know during Jr. High I was the tallest girl - so I got to be center on our basketball team. That lasted until the other girls started growing and could jump. Since I was so big and obviously could not jump, my basketball career took a dive about that time. The basketball coach sat me down in private and "explained" to me that I had to loose weight if I wanted to play basketball in high school. I'm sure some of you can relate to the "talks" people had with us about our weight as we were growing up. We never seem to forget them. They haunt us the rest of our lives. Although I think the people were trying to help. It was kind of like saying, "You're fat and will always be", so I lived into that self-image. I was 200# in the 8th grade and have not been below it since.

It's basically been a steady increase since then. Of course, having the reoccuring weight loss but always gaining it back, plus more. THere have been periods in my life where I know a person said one thing to me and it was like a trigger going off that put an end to my weight loss. I can remember all the "talks". Beginning with my well intentioned basketball coach. My sister showing me where my hip bones were and that that is how wide I'm "suppose to be". Weight Watcher leader saying she noticed that I was doing so well and had a loss every wk during the 6 weeks I was going. My weight loss instantly stopped at that point. I quit 3 weeks later. During a period of time I was going through extreme anxiety in my life. I was loosing weight due to stress, but was terribly worried I had a major illness and that was why I was loosing weight. My doctor, after running a million tests, reassured me that I was going to be ok - helped me through the stress issues and said just don't gain the weight back. It's threw another trigger that said to myself, "Gain it back" I was at 205 at that point. I think I was also too close to that 200# mark that I sabataged myself and gained. That has always been my goal in my adult life is to get below that 200# mark and weigh what my license says. (198) But with each loss the weight always came back, plus more.

My highest adult weight was 295. Which was just on Oct 12, 2005 for my surgical consult for the band. I started my pre-op liquid diet the very next day, even though they said to do it 2 weeks prior to surgery I started 5 days early (wanting to make sure they can place the band). According to my scale I'm down to 280 since the 12th and have 11 days to go until surgery.

I've been through months of Physc treatments helping with my negative self talk, self esteem - and the list goes on. I believe now that I always thought I did not deserve to weight less. I'm praying this is finally the answer to my life long goal and I'll FINALLY get below 200. I know once I am close, I am not stepping on the scale until someone else tells me I'm below 200. I'm still scared to death that I will sabatage it still again. I'm praying this will be the tool to allow me obtain that dream.

phazer08 · 10-24-2005, 09:14 PM

OK...my turn. I was a skinny, athletic kid in high school. No MO's in my family just parents with weight issues they addressed off and on while I was growing up. Then I married at 21. He couldn't stand to see me clean my plate. He couldn't stand to see me gain 5 or 10 pounds. Told me I needed to join Weight Watchers, get more exercise. Be the stay-at-home mom and if I need any money, lets talk about my weight problem. Dirty looks while I was eating. Long talks on the way home about how I was not 'feminine' (grrr...that one really still busts my chops). That if I was I would look and act and eat a certain way. He used money as control, affection as control. So, what was the one area I didn't want anyone to tell me about? Duh, food. And believe it or not I put up with that sh!t for 20 years!

So the past 6 years post-divorce have been me expressing my freedom by letting no one tell me what to eat. I've dieted on my own of course. But when the diets failed (I failed?) as they always did, I'd go down in the dumps and vow to love myself as I am. Well, whether it's the voice that won't go away or some other inner voice - I don't love myself as I am. I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me by my weight. And I know I'm much better than what I 'think' they're seeing.

So bring on the band. As my shrink said, it'll force me to listen to it.

Thanks for the thread!!

dcox20 · 10-26-2005, 02:01 AM

I'm fat because it's easy to be fat - I am a lazy guy, I tend to take the path of least resistance and there are so many dang fast food places around it's hard to choose which to gorge myself at next. Sure when I was growing up my parents made me eat everything on my plate but I don't think that's a good enough excuse to explain why I am and have always been fat... I blame it on me.

But that's all in the past - I was banded last thursday the 20th and will never be heavy again - I have made a conscious decision that this will be the last time I lose weight, never done that before... always tried different diets half-heartedly, actually lost about 30lbs on Atkins - of course I gained 50 back.

I see my doctor tomorrow for my first weigh in.:-)

fun4matt · 10-26-2005, 02:37 AM

So true on all of your writings

"with the band" · 10-26-2005, 03:28 PM

I too have suffered depression although I do not take any type of meds. My writing has always been my effective tool to get the junk out and go on with life. I do understand what it is like having gone through at least a bunch of different terrible depression plagued times in my life. Last time was 1999 - I wrote over 400 poems during that year. That speaks volumes in my book....

I am fat because I am a great cook, raised by a great cook, and I spent way too much time "out to eat" at fine restaurants when I was working on the road.

I am fat because food has always been a comfort to me.

I am fat because I have good survivor genes....not my fault......my genes!!!

I am fat because I hate working out and have been a virtual vegetable other than working and housecleaning and the business of general life. (I need to work on this)

I am fat because I could never keep off the weight I lost in the past numerous, numerous times.....(it liked me so much....it never forgot me)

I am fat because I was in the WRONG LINE SOMEWHERE - SOMEHOW - (next time I'll try to pay attention to the lines I am in)

I am fat because I have been on a life long journey of understanding what it feels like to be invisible. Understanding my worth is judged by others dependent on my outside looks. Understanding what self esteem truly means. Laughing instead of crying.....

I am fat but I am armed and ready now - "With the Band".....I am ready to be thin - able to walk without limping like an old lady, able to wear the clothes I love to wear, able to move around without getting winded. Able to spend a day not self loathing myself because I can't ever get a handle on this terrible struggle of being fat. That's what I look forward to most. Not having the daily struggle of thinking about how I failed this or failed that. It gets tiring and even the best self esteem gets very very tired of that merry go round.

I am fat because I was lucky. It made me who I am and I could never have wanted to change that. It made me love everyone - even the ignorant ones who just don't get it. I just never wanted to be the way some people were to me. Do you know what I mean?

Sorry for going on so long......sore subject.

Nancy

Penni60 · 10-27-2005, 01:11 PM

OK I have thought about this thread ever since I saw it started. I have purposely avoided it because I personally don't want to face the fact that I am fat. That I have an eating problem that makes me fat.

I hate the word "fat". It is offensive to me. I heard that in my sleep when I was a child growing up. My dear sweet maternal grandmother, who I love still to this day even though she is gone now, would make comments about me and my weight. It was a sign of gluttony if you were "fat". Meaning you over indulged in EVERY aspect of your life. Not just food. So to be "fat" to her meant you were promiscuious, spent money frivilously, and enjoyed life too much. Don't blame her it was just her upbringing.

Which brings me to why I am "fat". I was taught at an early age that eating was a social event. I was dropped off or most times spent the night with my paternal grandparents so my Mom could go to work after my parents divorced. So, I would wake up to fresh homemade buttermilk biscuits, scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, and always FRESH HONEY and FRIED APPLE PIES. That was just breakfast for a 5 year old. Then lunch would be Ham, green beans, mac and cheese (homemade I might add), and always FRESH HONEY with leftover biscuits and FRIED APPLE PIES. Then dinner would be Fried Chicken, corn, mashed potatoes, green beans, black eyed peas, lima beans, and FRESH HONEY with leftover biscuits or freshly made and FRIED APPLE PIES.

See the pattern? This food was for a 5 year old now. She never made me finish my plate and she always let me take what I wanted. I ate a variety of her cooking and always left the table overstuffed. Honey was the livelihood for some of that side of the family. So there was always fresh honey around. Honeycomb and all. YUM YUM!!! Fried Apple Pies were her speciality and no one ever complained about having them at every meal. YUM YUM!!!

Sorry this is so long but, the reason I am "fat" is I saw food as "COMFORT FOOD" and in my later years I have tried to capture that same warm loving feeling from her home cooked meals. It just didn't work so I would eat more and in larger quantities. Then I got pissed and just ate junk to make that need go away. IT just got worse.

Anyway, this is my process to winning this battle. I am relazing that I can cherish that loving feeling in my heart and not my stomach.

Just my thoughts.

Tootarts · 11-02-2005, 07:04 AM

I've been fat/chubby all my life but in 1985 when I stopped smoking I put on 60 more pounds to my fat/chubby body. I have lost 50 pounds twice but it came back on plus an extra 10. I would love to be even where I was before 1985 at 170 which was still high but not as high as 243. So here I am waiting for December 20th my band date.

DiSanders · 11-04-2005, 07:46 AM

You are the first person to mention drinking. This is definitely my biggest problem, and it's going to be the hardest to get a handle on after my surgery. I drink wine every night. I start when I am fixing dinner, and I don;t stop until I go to bed. I have read plenty of info telling me to get a handle on this before I get banded, but I have tried with no luck.

DiSanders · 11-04-2005, 07:47 AM

I'm like you-I look at pictures where I hated myself-and I'd love to be that size again! I remember thinking that 170 was HUGE-now I'll take it gladly!

the best me · 11-04-2005, 08:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DiSanders

I drink wine every night. I start when I am fixing dinner, and I don;t stop until I go to bed.

This may or may not be a big problem. Just how much wine do you drink between dinner and bedtime? You can drink up to dinner, then eat, wait an hour, then sip some more. If it's only a matter of 6-8 ounces of wine, you could work that into your calories for the day.

On the other hand, if you are talking about a bottle or more, everyday! now, that might be an entirely different issue.

So, is it just a bad habit or is it a PROBLEM? Only you know. Talk about it! All of us do some emty calories more than occasionally. It's tough, but when the empty calories are alcohol, alot, everyday, you are dealing with similar problems that smokers have. Or worse? Banded or not, it's something to contend with. Oy vey. That's a toughie!

11-12-2005, 02:27 PM

Hi Everyone (I'm new to this board)
I can't believe this thread and how I relate in one way or many to every single response. I'm fat (but getting smaller) because...........
I was raised in a home with an abusive, alcoholic dad who made life resemble one walking on egg shells, which lead to me having an anxiety disorder (not diagnosed until adulthood). My medication of choice was food. It never left me, hurt me or made me sad (at the time anyway). It was my comfort during life's trials growing up. I used food as my friend. I had a mom who was rail thin, could eat anything she wanted. I use to raid her candy stashes and get yelled at. I use to raid the fridge at night and she'd sneak up behind me and yell out DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU NEED THAT! My reply was to always eat more.
As an adult, and as harder times hit, food became even more of a comfort for me. My mother died at an early age from cancer and despite her reactions to me being overweight, we we're best friends. The only thing that took the stabbing pain I felt in my heart that came with losing her...was food. My father died suddenly of a massive heart attack and left me with the evilest step mother one can imagine who tied me up in court for three years...food saw me through it all. My husband deployed for war, on and on and as these things happened I grew more attached to food. For it never let me down. I grew to just adore the taste of food and I became addicted to it.
Fast food was my best best friend and I would (and sometimes still do) sit and think on where I would eat next. To this day the thought of food consumes my mind for long periods of time. Much like Delarla, my mind thinks all the time and alot of the thoughts surround food. I also get upset, and feel anxious at the thought of just one taco. So much so that even with a band...I will still order more food than I am capable of eating. And if I confessed to exactly how many trips I take in a month to the grocery store...you all would be amazed.
I still fill my plate with food KNOWING I cannot in any way eat near what's on it. And for me......I will go all day long and not eat one thing.....but come evening time I have a very hard time with controlling myself. Has nothing to do with hunger. It's a very STRONG URGE....to eat good food. I will eat dinner and within an hour....even though I'm not hungry, this URGE hits me to eat more. When I fight it, anxiety hits me like a brick.
I'm obsessed with food. My sister will call and I will ask her what she had for dinner and then I'll ask her what was in it and did it taste good. She laughs and says she's never known anyone to be in love with food the way I am. She's right.
I had Lap Band surgery a year and 3 months ago. I'm by no means even close to being a good Lap Band patient. I skip meals, I go hungry, and I don't drink enough water. My greatest fear is gaining the weight I've lost back. I'm terrified in fact. I remember how miserable I was. How my clothes we're ugly, I couldn't exercise, I hurt all over, breathing was a chore and if I was faced with a flight of stairs, I climbed them slowly and while praying that I wouldn't just drop dead in front of everyone. There I'de be, dead with people staring saying...well no wonder, look at her! All of these things would pass through my mind any time I was faced with excertion.
I feel most day's like I have a battle going on inside of me. On one side is my addiction/love for food.....on the other is the fear of failure and going back to what I once was.....Someday's......I can't breath. Not because I'm not fit, but because I'm scared half to death, just like I was growing up.
Thanks for listening......and thanks for this thread.
Kay
AKA: Miss Losin' Lot's

Shari Lou · 11-15-2005, 06:06 PM

Why am I fat....I wasnt always fat.

As a child I was chubby, not with a tiny frame like my mom and lil sis. They were always petite and tiny. I was build like grandma Stephenson.. To this day I am the same height as her and have the same shoe size.

When I started jr high I sprouted and by my senior year in hs I was 5'10, 135 lbs. My mom still called me fat be cause I wasnt 5'6 and 110 lbs. I have since gotten over that.

The reason I am fat now is that it is SAFE. Can I get an amen from anyone? After coming to the realization of abuse in my childhood and the lookin for love in all the wrong places because my daddy didnt want me, I got married and it was okay. I had found my safe place to fall.

When I have tried to loose weight before, I have always reached a point where someone (a man) will comment on my appearance. Not gross or distasteful, but to me it would trigger something deep inside me and I would stop off at Micky D's for a QP w/ C. Why do I do that? Because my safety suit helps me to not have to deal with why I am not okay in my mind being vulnerable. Does this make since to anyone else?

I am currently working with a Psyc from my church...Yes, they do have those, and I am dealing with those issues BEFORE they arise. Not while I am in the middle of the emotions and a little or a lot unstable.

I WILL be healthy, strong, and safe in my real body that has been hiding for years because of fear and not having enough faith in myself or in God to walk through the hard times.

WHeew... That was hard.

ejezyk · 11-25-2005, 02:26 PM

Why am I fat????
1. I love food... I thought food loved me.
2. I am lonely.
3. I am a manipulator. I manipulate myself.
4. I carry alot of shame.
5. I confuse boredom with hunger.
6. I don't pay attention to myself. I take care of everyone else.
7. I need the FEELING food gives me even if it is for a split second sometimes.
8. I need the unity food brings with groups of people.
9. I try to fill myself

terri b · 11-25-2005, 04:21 PM

I am fat because of the "starving children in Africa!" In all honesty, I am fat because of the choices I made.

tinalondon · 11-25-2005, 05:37 PM

I'm fat because I eat to much...the real question is why?