Why are YOU Fat?

TraceySLP1

first let me say, im fat because i ate too much and exercised to little. that being said, i believe the reason i ate too much started when i was around 14, i started to go through that stage where i was going from skinny pre-teen to junk-food-eating-with-friends teenager. this did not go unnoticed by my father, who was married to my constantly struggling with her weight mother. so to "help" me, he started watching everything i ate, and commenting on it. my entire home life became filled with shame-inducing comments like "you really dont need that", "what are u eating NOW?" and "why dont u run downstairs for your mother, u could use the exercise". most of the time, a pointed look was more than sufficient to induce shame. my younger brother enjoyed the ammunition supplied by my self-loathing and shame, and used it every chance he got. "go join weight watchers" "fatso" "call jenny craig", etc. it was fun times.

but i was smart, when i was left alone in the house i would binge from the second they were gone until the car pulled up. and i hid food and the evidence. i would eat things that didnt even taste good, just as long as there was LOTS of it, and i thought it wouldnt be missed.

add to that the years of hiding in my bedroom escaping into books rather than being active, and the YEARS and YEARS of diets after diets, from fads to optifast to weight watchers to slim fast ,.,,,,every single one ....and gaining it all back plus......

AND that i found that food, and binging in particular (in private of course) provides a pleasant numbing feeling. its a powerful drug.

i still struggle with the secret eating. im still uncomfortable eating in front of others. the thought of a dinner date scares the hell out of me. im trying to get back on track with the band, and working out, and trying to stop this cycle of eating and shame and numbing and self-loathing. when are they coming out with the band for the BRAIN? lol
its no WONDER im fat!

__________________
Banded 5/21/2003
Dr. Larry Gelman NY
Start weight/highest ever: 293/260/160

BJean

Tracey it has to do with control. When you have people pushing at you, it is easy to quietly rebel and do something that makes you feel that you have control. I've been known to do it too.

Sometimes I believe that suicidal people choose to commit suicide to prove to themselves that they can control their destiny. No, I don't think there's anything healthy about it, but having the feeling that you are controlled by others is very frustrating.

docsly

This is a most interesting discussion. I am waiting for surgery approval by my insurance. In the meantime, I am trying to get mentally prepared. Physically, weighing in a 253 and BMI of 47, I am prepared. I am keeping a food journal because I know I am in denial of how much I eat. I could eat the quart of ice cream in one sitting or a bag of chocolate covered peanuts on a two hour road trip. I can't remember weighing less than 160 pounds. I have been working out with a trainer for 18 months now and no matter how hard I try, I have lost 10 pounds. I am hoping the band becomes my tool for self control.

bert99

I disagree with your statement with regards to suicide.

I went through a very dark period in my life after my mom died prematurely from cancer (she had just turned 40), and my dear grampa died three weeks before her.

The only motivation / feeling I had when suicidal was sheer desperation to get away from the pain, the exhaustion, the anguish that was a constant in my life. Being a guinea pig for many different mind-altering medications left me in a horrendous state, more so than what I would have been like had I NEVER taken any antidepressants to begin with.

It had nothing to do with being controlled by those that knew me, or proving that I was in control with my life. How could I be in control when there is was no escape? Choosing to die had nothing to do with control...it had everything to do with relief. It was like being tortured....trying to get away from the pain....

ronwifey

I'm fat because I love food! I mean I really loooOOOoooove food and love to eat even more. The feeling of being full is like a high to me.

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Jennifer in S.A. TX
Banded 3/3/08
Thank you Dr. Cavazos !!

chell1957

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Once on the lips forever on the hips!



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ronwifey

chell~ That's why I love the internet. I can be honest and say things I wouldn't dare say to someone face to face.

__________________

Jennifer in S.A. TX
Banded 3/3/08
Thank you Dr. Cavazos !!

BJean

bert: I hear you. I have been in that much pain because of the losses of my mother and sister, very close together. My sister and I were like twins in many ways and I felt as if a part of me was cut out when she died. I still feel a huge hole in my life from not having them with me.

Didn't you feel a little helpless that you weren't able to control the desperation, anguish and exhaustion that you were going through? Didn't you feel that you weren't able to feel any better? Didn't you feel that your exhaustion was due to reasons that you weren't able to control? Didn't you want desperately to be able to either numb your pain or get rid of the pain somehow? Wouldn't suicide be one way to do that?

Am I just being obtuse or are we just looking at the same anguish from a little different perspective?

I am sorry you weren't able to get any help from antidepressants and that you felt that you were a guinea pig for those meds. I didn't take them when I was the most desperate. I didn't have the presence of mind to even go to a doctor.

However years later I am taking Wellbutrin and finding that I feel that I am in control of what I'm doing and where I'm headed. For instance over the Christmas holidays this year, I was able to go visit their graves and decorate them for the first time since they died - which was quite a few years ago. It did make me feel better although I'm not completely sure why. I'm guessing that it was because I made the decision for myself - I didn't feel like I was just having to endure the torment. I was in control and choosing to deal with their deaths on my terms.

Everyone is different. We all handle how we deal with life in different ways. Whatever works for each of us is what is right and good.

Fanny Adams

I know what you mean regarding control. I think that was a significant factor in my weight gain. When I got married at age 23, I was slim and fit - @125lb, 38-23-34. I made the mistake of marrying a man I didn't know as well as I thought I did and he turned out to be an incredible control freak as well as a violent drunk (he's now an EX ). Our lifestyle changed drastically after the wedding (no more going out dancing all night, full meals every night, etc) and I started to gain a little weight.

He used to berate and belittle me every time I ate, so of course I rebelled by eating more and even sneaking food when he wasn't watching. Within a few years, I had gained about 20-30lb and his favourite refrain when slapping me about was "You FAT UGLY PIG!!" (This was at about 140lb!)

With my self-esteem crushed, I turned to food for comfort (yeah I know, lots of other issues there, but that was significant). By the time I got out of the marriage 8 years later, I was about 160lb - overweight but not huge.

I can clearly remember the first four years of being single again, when I did things like hang out in the refrigerator at night saying things like "Haha! Watch me eat this!! You can't stop me now!!" I deliberately put on the fat suit, partly because of that "defiance" aspect and partly because I wanted to keep men away - both were desperate attempts at taking a measure of control in my life. By the end of 4 years of single life, I had put on another 60lb and was around 220lb.

At that stage, I sought therapy for my issues with self-esteem, the marriage and how I had managed to get myself into that situation. The therapy helped a lot and I really came to terms with who I was and how I had arrived there, but unfortunately the fat suit wasn't as easy to take off as it was to put on. Since then, I went through various stages of dieting and failure, and thinking I had accepted the weight and settled for being a "fat person" forever. I slowly yo-yoed my way up another 55lb until I hit my all time high of 275lb last year (15 years post-marriage).

Now that I have made the change and been banded, I realise that I had never really accepted it and I am now finding comfort in having the control to be able to take the weight off. I'm looking forward to finding the "real me" under this fat suit.

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Banding Date: 10 Dec 07
No longer Morbidly Obese!!!

BJean

Fanny that's an awesome story. Way too common, especially for women, and I appreciate you sharing it with us. I congratulate you for going through all the work and soul-searching to try to figure out why you used food as you did. It isn't an easy path!

You seem to be doing very well with the Band and I wish you the very best on your road to physical health. It sounds like you have the emotional part targeted and homed in on. Yay!

KelinTx

I am fat because im a FOOD ADDICT....ahhh its so liberating to admit that!

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Banded 9-13-06
Starting Weight 359
Dr. Benavides

vessa

I am fat because I started eating instead of feeling feelings.

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Banded on August 8th 2006
Dr. Que - Mayo Clinic - Rochester, MN
"We are shaped and fashioned by what we love." ~Goethe

gummykandi

Because I ate to spite my dad...

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(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯•.•´*~K

tchrshelli

I am fat for many reasons. Now, as an adult I accept responsibility for my weight problem and realize it is about control, which I have little of. This problem started in early elementary years for me. My mother was obsessed about my weight and the way I looked. She emotionally and at times phisically abused me with food. It was a reward and a punishment. She controlled the amount of food that I ate. I became obsessed with food, how I was going to eat it, how I was going to get it, how much I was going to eat, and in secret from my mom ( I didn't and don't have a problem eating in front of others). If she didn't know I was eating it, then I wasn't really eating it (severe denial that I still deal with today). I couldn't enjoy going to a friends house, I could only concern myself with what I was going to eat and how much I could get of it because my mom wasn't there to notice. Getting a car in highschool became a huge problem for me. I could eat it in my car and get rid of the evidence and then go home and eat again so my mom wouldn't know that I had just eaten. The sick things that she said to me that made me feel ashamed, unloved and unworthy are now things that I say to myself. I have been aware of this problem, and I am working on it, but it is a slow path to recovery. I am glad that I took the time to put this out there. I know I am only as sick as my secrets. This isn't a secret anymore.

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Shellie
Banded 11-29-06
6.5cc in a 10cc Band

JSOTO

ok kiddo, you brought tears to my eyes. You didnt need the soul searching, your mom does. but i think mothers loved us so much, they knew what a weight problem would cause us, growing up.maybe it was first hand experiencede, and thru their love, they wanted to prevent us from going thru the same things they did. My beautiful mother passed away, i never ever got over her death, i still havent, i turned to food, to help me thru my life...now it is time i help myself in a different way. I am on a journey, alone, and i have to clear my head and set myself up for success. I will not blame my past , on my future..it is fresh and new, and im excited to go down this path. we can all do it, and we have to do it for ourselves!!!! even if it is sometimes a lonely journey. Bless your heart, you went thru a lot, but try hard to put it behind you, and move forward you will always be a daughter, but now a healthy one!!! You are on your way, good luck, we are all here, someway connected and giving each other super-support!
take good care
juli