Telling Friends After-the-Fact

mslynn · 05-26-2006, 12:50 AM

So it sounds like many people have waited until several months or more after the surgery to tell others about the surgery. I've decided to only tell my family (not friends or coworkers) about this. But if I decide to tell later, I'm worried my friends will get their feelings hurt. And I feel like a liar (even if I'm just "omiting certain facts").

How did you all approach this telling after-the-fact? What did you say to your friends? How did they react?

Thanks,
Mslynn

Victoriana · 05-26-2006, 02:06 AM

I found that not all of my friends needed to know. Some of my relatives know, I told most of my close family, but not all. I want you to trust your intuition and guard your heart. Tell those that you know will be supportive of this for you and only tell others after you have lost a significant amount of weight. I told someone after 6 months because she too is obese and is trying to loose weight and wanted to know what I was doing. I told her that I didn't tell everyone right away as the weight loss can be sometimes very slow and I wasn't sure how effective this is for me and since it is a removable item, I didn't want to do a lot of re-explaining if that were to happen. At first I wanted to tell everyone, why not I have nothing to HIDE but that wasn't the real issue. I don't like living under a magnifying glass and felt I was taking control of my life and that meant taking control of who I told as well. I believe that you aren't being unfriendly by not telling everyone, just private and discerning. Its like I don't tell anyone what color my underwear is! Its just not important!! So i think its a good idea to contemplate this before the cat is out of the bag.

TIDGE · 05-26-2006, 04:36 AM

Just explain that you didn't want to say anything in case it didn't work for you. I'm sure it will be fine.

mslynn · 05-29-2006, 11:51 PM

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it.
Mslynn

mslynn · 04-28-2007, 11:34 PM

Hi,
Just bumping...I'd love to hear other group members' feedback about this issue. I'm about at the point where I need to make a decision whether to tell certain people.
Thanks,
Mslynn

**Alexandra** · 04-29-2007, 06:39 AM

I found that not saying anything before the fact was a better approach with most people. As the weight loss become apparent, that's plenty of time to figure out who to be honest with. In my experience no one judged me or gave me a hard time--the proof was right in front of them that it was the right decision for me.

Personally, I think that any friend who would feel "hurt" that you didn't tell them earlier is no friend. They'd just be expressing their displeasure at having been denied some juicy gossip (and I did have one former relative who felt just that way. Phooey.) Some things are personal, and you are completely and totally allowed to keep them that way until you feel ready to discuss it. Any real friend would understand.

lianna · 04-29-2007, 07:15 AM

When I started telling people I was totally honest about WHY I didnt spill it all in the beginning. I didnt tell untill I had lost about 30lbs (about a third of my weight goal) and by then I was confident that this would actually work for me! So I was pretty blunt in saying that it had been a huge personal decision for me decide to have this surgery, yet I was afraid it might not work. I didnt encounter anyone that seemed put off or hurt that I initially chose to keep a personal decision private for a while! People are pretty understanding.

**Iluvharleys** · 04-29-2007, 09:43 AM

I only told my family at first, then a few of my close friends. I am really more comfortable not telling everyone. I just say I am watching my weight, doing the South Beach diet. Just remember once you tell, you can't take it back!

WASaBubbleButt · 04-29-2007, 11:39 AM

It is a personal decision. You are not personally obligated to tell anyone about your band just like you don't go around announcing your last pap. It's personal. You tell those you want to and nobody else.

LLSibley · 04-29-2007, 11:50 AM

If your town is like mine if you tell the right person everyone is going to know. I had to tell my parents in my inhome daycare. One of them works for my primary doctor. I went the clinic the week after my surgery and everyone in there knew. I really like the reaction when people see me for the first time in awhile and after just 30# see how I look. I haven't seen my family (brothers and sisters) and won't for another month. They live in a different state. I'm anxious to see if they will notice because at Christmas I was wearing my hiding clothes. Only 2 of my sisters know and the others haven't been told. I haven't even told my mother. When I go back home I will really have to stay on my mom because she always wants to cook for me and it's usually foods that she can't eat because of being diabetic and a bunch of other problems.
Like others have said, it's personal and if you don't want to tell just say you are really watching what you are eating and have really cut back. And that's the truth isn't it?

NVgirl · 04-29-2007, 11:59 AM

I've only told two family members - one on my side and one on DH's side. I have, however, told my friends and co-workers. I find they're less judgemental than my family :)

JLB · 04-29-2007, 03:08 PM

I chose not to tell most peope in my life. Just one friend, my mom and my sister - that's it! I agree with others in saying that this is a personal matter and I also feel that telling more people would make me feel like I was under a microscope.

In the last month or so, when I've had lunch or coffee with friends, I've mentioned to them that I am changing my lifestyle and want to be healthier. I have gained all my weight back since I started Low carbing 6 years ago (yes, it slowly crept back again, plus more) and with the health risks that run in my family, I really need to make changes to be healthier. I didn't alaborate about what the changes were just omited some facts. Anyway, as my friends see changes I'm sure they will be happy for me and not so totally hung up on how the changes have happened. At least that's what I hope.

sleepyjean · 04-29-2007, 03:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alexandra

Personally, I think that any friend who would feel "hurt" that you didn't tell them earlier is no friend.

I wouldn't go quite that far, but I would probably be irritated if anyone gave me the "I'm so hurt" routine. It's not about you, it's about a decision I made by myself about myself. This is a personal demon I have to fight on my own. I went through major surgery and months of stress and frustration and re-learning how my body works. It's been difficult as hell and is still difficult to this day, so please forgive me for not focusing on YOU and your hurt feelings during this time. As harsh as this is going to sound, none of this has anything to do with you.

In other words, please get over yourself.
XOXO SJ

luv2bingo07 · 04-29-2007, 11:32 PM

I decided back at the beginning of the year that I wouldn't say anything to my co-workers other than a close one that we have shared weight loss stories before. My surgery is May 21st with Dr. Ortiz in Tijuana, MX. All anyone knows is I decided to take a vacation in Mexico for a few days and that's it. Certain details have come up about the flight plans and when I was called by the nutritionist and coordinator, but, as far as they know it is just because I want to lose some weight before my vacation, which isn't lying, it's necessary...lol My DM is going with me and I am taking a week off, so no worries.

I have been thinking though about sending an email to several people in the office about what I actually did just to prepare them for any strange behaviors that might come up when I come back to work, like living on only liquids, or God forbid, a PB episode. Not sure if I will say anything, but probably should forewarn people.

Take care all,
Judy