My One Year Bandiversary or "Diary of a Slow Loser"

MeganA · 10-15-2004, 02:34 PM

About a year and two months ago I was perusing the card section in a local shop and I came across one that read “Life isn’t about finding yourself. It’s about creating yourself” and I almost started to cry. I was at that point in my life where lots of people find themselves- I was morbidly obese, had a job I didn’t really life, a couple of guys who were hanger-on-ers and not really all that into me, a bunch of friends that felt like they were drains on me, and basically a life that didn’t feel like my own.

I had made a promise to myself when I turned 30- that this was going to be MY year. I was going to turn myself around. I was going to loose 50 pounds before my 31st Birthday. At 6 months from my 31th Birthday I had gained 10 more pounds. After reading that card, I decided I needed help and had to do “something”.

I was terrified of the bypass, but more terrified of continuing to live as I was. In the back of my mind I remembered seeing on the news an alternative procedure that didn’t involve cutting anything up. So, I started researching. And I found the band.

Immediately I knew I wanted it. Needed it. Couldn’t live without it. I researched and researched and started posting those “newbie” questions that we old timers now can find a little annoying until we remember we asked them too. I got lots of positive feedback from people online. Then I decided to talk to my family. I was so scared but I knew two things- one, that I was going to have the surgery regardless of how they felt about it, and two, that I really wanted them to be supportive. And they were and have been. I’m very very lucky.

So, to get to the good part- I found a surgeon I wanted to do my surgery, and was offered participation in the FDA trial for the Swedish Band. From the time initial call to the surgeon’s office to attend one of the seminars, and the day of surgery was about three weeks. Again, I am very lucky.

It was one year ago that I had my band placed. As much as it is a cliché, it really was the day that changed, and saved, my life.

I’m a slow looser…and that’s ok with me now. At first I spent a lot of time and energy negatively comparing myself to other bandsters. I’d spent my whole life comparing myself to other people- am I the fattest in the room? Am I fatter or skinnier than her? Do I dress like that? Does my butt look like that?

I had a tough time in the beginning emotionally. Physically I healed quickly with little or no pain and no complications. Emotionally I was a mess. I stopped calling my friends, I stopped working very hard for my clients, and I retreated and withdrew from my family. I felt so different inside. Yet I still looked the same on the outside. I wasn’t loosing any weight, yet my eating was restricted. I couldn’t use food to get me through the emotional upheaval I was going through. I was so lost.

Then one day I walked into my bathroom where that card is framed on the wall and thought- why am I waiting for the band to change my life? Why do I wait for other people or events to change my life? Why don’t *I* change my life?

I suppose it was about 4 months after surgery that I started to feel like myself again. Only this was a new “myself” that I didn’t recognize. I went to my therapist and she helped, although not having a weight problem led me to teach her more than her teach me. But she did help me in so many ways.

I started to stick up for myself. I felt worthy of being treated well for the first time since I was a little girl. I had a long and authentic conversation with my biggest client and told them if they didn’t start listening to me and my advice I was going to walk away. WHAT? I said that???? And it worked. They respected me in a whole new way.

I told the guys in my life that showed up once and awhile that I was done with them. I told my friends that I was no longer in the friend-therapist business and that they needed to support me and be my friend. I lost some friends this way…but then they weren’t friends.

I started to like myself. To feel confident and assured in a way I only remember feeling as a little girl.

The biggest change is that I stopped trying to fix everyone else and started to fix myself.

And it’s not like I’ve lost a ton of weight and found this new me. I’ve lost about 1 pound a week. I’m down -51 pounds as of this morning.

I can’t begin to list everything that has changed in my life- but I want to hit some highlights. Especially to help those just starting the process or who are slow losers too.

I can now run up and down the stairs. I can play with my dogs and chase after them. I can fit into the ‘regular” plus size clothes again. I can wear necklaces because I have a new neck. I can get in and out of cars without needing to grab onto something. I can fit in a movie seat without spilling onto my poor sister. I bought a little SUV with four wheel drive so that I never have to feel like I only have to take the regular road. I can create my own if I want! I am so much more compassionate of other obese people- I think not comparing myself to them and making them the opposition changed how I treat them. I volunteer more. I go out dancing. I get hit on by men. The door is opened for me. People meet my eyes. I get smiled at by strangers. I eat fruits and veggies and whole grains. My skin has improved. I have a little glow about me. I wake up in the morning so excited to see what is going to happen that day I can barely stand it. I laugh even when I’m alone. I no longer feel the weight of loneliness at the end of the day. Now I take the dogs for a walk and giggle at their silliness. I read a book or listen to a new CD. I take care of myself now. I like myself now.

I have a long way to go to get to my weight goal. But I am very, very close to my other goals of creating a new life for myself. Having the band literally saved me-emotionally and physically.

Megan

MeganA · 10-15-2004, 02:45 PM

Before Photo

MeganA · 10-15-2004, 02:46 PM

Photo Now Minus 51 lbs

claraluz · 10-15-2004, 02:47 PM

Wow, Megan, thank you so much for posting. Your story is truly moving and inspiring. In fact, I'm printing it out because I want to read it when I feel discouraged. I'm a very slow loser, but I realize that I, too, have experienced many of the same kind of changes you speak of. Rock on!

Nancy

MeganA · 10-15-2004, 02:48 PM

I think I had lost about 15 pounds

MeganA · 10-15-2004, 02:49 PM

Photo from last weekend in Vegas

Rebeccalee · 10-15-2004, 02:50 PM

Megan, what a lovely post! You've got me crying over here. You are doing fabulous work with this band. I really think that the hope it gives is the best gift of all.

I haven't shared this with anyone, but when you mention laughing alone, it strikes a chord with me. I took a psych class last semester and read that smiling is a social reaction; it only happens in response to other people. Well, after being banding, I walk around smiling to myself a lot. I've always carried on conversations with myself, but smiling at myself was rare. Now I'm a smiling fool when alone. (Not all the time, of course, but noticeable much more than ever in my life.)

Thanks for sharing your wonderful journey. :)

Penni60 · 10-15-2004, 02:53 PM

Megan: Just let me say WOW! Your post brought tears to my eyes. I can so relate to exactly what you posted. It is a struggle every day for me to not revert back to my depressed woe is me way of thinking. I have to stop and think about all that good that has come out of me losing some pounds and inches.

You are a true inspiration and a model for lapbanders everywhere. I use the term "lapbanders" loosely to include all of us that have a band of some form.

God does work in mysterious ways.

Thank you so much for sharing. You are so blessed.

Rebeccalee · 10-15-2004, 02:58 PM

Oh boy! Now we have pics. You look great! Fifty pounds makes a big difference. :)

**Iluvharleys** · 10-15-2004, 03:01 PM

Megan~

Gosh, you brought tears to my eyes. What a great post. You have done a great job, and your pictures are awsome. Your face is so pretty, and you definately can tell the difference from the before pictures.

Thank you so much for your post.

**Alexandra** · 10-15-2004, 03:34 PM

Megan, what a truly wonderful story to read. I want to hug you and thank you and congratulate you all at once!!

We're privileged to experience this, and to have the opportunity to share it with one another. Thank you so much for writing it down and posting it here.

La_madam · 10-15-2004, 03:54 PM

Megan I'm so glad I had a chance to meet you in Vegas..you are such a sweetheart. What a fantastic story! You give me inspiration when I read this. Thanks for sharing your story with all of us. You look fabulous. You attitude is awesome. I wish you continued success. Keep it up Megan you are beautiful :)

iluvsammys · 10-15-2004, 04:45 PM

Wow Megan! Talk about an emotional post. My papers here at work have water spots from the tears (but happy ones!). I am very lucky so far to be a fast loser, but each day I am thankful for my loss and wonder how I will react if or when I become a slower loser. But, I too, am printing out your post so that I can use for for inspiration whenever the need arises. You are sooooo beautiful. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Fifty one pounds is alot of weight, and your pictures show a remarkably smaller you! Keep up the good work, and we're all here for ya. You go girl!

Bright · 10-15-2004, 05:44 PM

Megan I love your story, and have loved being on this journey at the same time as you - my bandiversary is in two weeks, and I always loved your posts - I am so proud of you for getting so far, both physically and emotionally....well done xx

Ps I put you beside yourself in the attached photo...hope you don't mind xx

Vera · 10-15-2004, 07:16 PM

Wow! You go girl. You are so beautiful inside and out!
You have me crying too.

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