I feel like such a fool! Warning this post contains a "break-up" email*

cookielover · 11-16-2007, 11:53 PM

I got my Lap Band on October 3rd. I lost my best friend on November 16th!

Here is the email that I received:

Dear Amy,

Well, this is not going to be what you want to get from me, but hey
"let's be honest before we start lying to each other". (That is what I normally say to her.) I'm really
sorry, but I am not going to be able to come up next weekend. (She was suppose to come up to Canada for the weekend.) As I always say, if you're not living on the edge- you're taking up too much space; however I seem to be way too close to the edge as of right now. I'm really trying to be rational and not get overly emotional while still
allowing myself to feel these days as that seems to be the healthiest
space for me. (I think she is preparing me for what is coming next...) Let me explain: this will be train of thought, stream of
consciousness style as that's when I can get most honest with myself.
Right now I need a break. I don't know how much of it is you, but I'm
definitely aware of how much of it is me. A lot of this will sound
accusatory; I wish it didn't. I've lied to you so much in the last few
months specifically about your weight loss surgery. I'm pretty sure that's
what got me started on the bad feelings. It wasn't all bad by
any means. It was actually so wonderful in my suspended world of
denial for awhile. I said most things to keep the peace and got so many
wonderful memories and good times recently, so it seemed worth it- but
it's seeping into the rest of my life and the web is getting too tangled
now. ( I told her a few months ago that I was having WLS and she seemed really cool with it. We had a fantastic summer, and had some kick-ass trips.) I wish I could have told you how much I didn't want you to
mutilate your body, how much I thought that there were other things that should have been tried first. (We talked in length about all of my options, and the proceedure.) I just went along with everything you said because I was afraid of making you angry. (This is so not true she ALWAYS speaks her mind. That is what I like about her.) I thought I was willing to exchange your happiness for my integrity, but it turns out I'm not. Now I cansee some of the fruits of your labor, not really the weight loss-(I have lost 30 pounds and two pant sizes; there is no way she could not tell!) I think I'm just programmed not to care about that; my family always
said I was so much happier in the arms of a 'big' person even as a
baby that my tummy would stop hurting and I would just fall asleep.(Huh???)
Still, I do see that you look healthy and seem to be proud of all your hard work. I want to be supportive, yet I'm not there. I might get there and I might never. I finally like my
body in the past couple of years, even more than I ever could have when I was thin. (She has been working out and I am very proud of her. She is not overweight.) I love how strong and energetic I always feel- not sick and weak like I did in college. Right now I just know that the holiday season is never really as easy
as I I also know that I have way too much wrapped up in
diet hell. I really can't begin to explain what any kind of food
restriction does to me, how emotional that issue is. Yes, you've
heard me say it- and unless I screamed it in the street for 24 hours
straight I fear you couldn't possibly get it. (She does not like it that I refuse to eat sugar and wheat product. I did not make her make me special meals, or eat different foods. I just didn't eat bread or sugar, and that freaked her out.) So that's the major
dilemma right now- how to deal supportively with you while dealing with that
side of me that just doesn't see a happy normal between us about this
issue. All I can see is that I'm terrified of being in a household
where the 'mother' has extreme diet restrictions and I just can't do it
right now. (I guess her mother dieted a lot.) I think it's making me hypersensitive to lots of other small
things. I can feel myself over-relating to you as if you were my mom
and I can't do that anymore. (Since I can't eat bread...therefore I must be her mom...I guess.) It will literally push me over the edge.
When I joke about walking a fine line, it's not really a joke. I
barely made it through this past weekend and I'm not ready to try it again
right now. I feel bad that I
lied to you. I want you to be so successful in your endeavor.

You feel bad you lied to me? How about writing me this email? Today I lost over 150 pound because of my Lap Band. She was my best friend for 25 years. I am so sad I am going to bed.

FairyFacade · 11-17-2007, 12:03 AM

What the hell??
How old is your friend?
That e-mail makes no sense. Because you're dieting and losing weight, your best friend can no longer talk to you?
I'm so baffled by that e-mail, I don't even have good words to respond.

lepez · 11-17-2007, 12:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cookielover

I got my Lap Band on October 3rd. I lost my best friend on November 16th!

Here is the email that I received:

Dear Amy,

Well, this is not going to be what you want to get from me, but hey
"let's be honest before we start lying to each other". (That is what I normally say to her.) I'm really
sorry, but I am not going to be able to come up next weekend. (She was suppose to come up to Canada for the weekend.) As I always say, if you're not living on the edge- you're taking up too much space; however I seem to be way too close to the edge as of right now. I'm really trying to be rational and not get overly emotional while still
allowing myself to feel these days as that seems to be the healthiest
space for me. (I think she is preparing me for what is coming next...) Let me explain: this will be train of thought, stream of
consciousness style as that's when I can get most honest with myself.
Right now I need a break. I don't know how much of it is you, but I'm
definitely aware of how much of it is me. A lot of this will sound
accusatory; I wish it didn't. I've lied to you so much in the last few
months specifically about your weight loss surgery. I'm pretty sure that's
what got me started on the bad feelings. It wasn't all bad by
any means. It was actually so wonderful in my suspended world of
denial for awhile. I said most things to keep the peace and got so many
wonderful memories and good times recently, so it seemed worth it- but
it's seeping into the rest of my life and the web is getting too tangled
now. ( I told her a few months ago that I was having WLS and she seemed really cool with it. We had a fantastic summer, and had some kick-ass trips.) I wish I could have told you how much I didn't want you to
mutilate your body, how much I thought that there were other things that should have been tried first. (We talked in length about all of my options, and the proceedure.) I just went along with everything you said because I was afraid of making you angry. (This is so not true she ALWAYS speaks her mind. That is what I like about her.) I thought I was willing to exchange your happiness for my integrity, but it turns out I'm not. Now I cansee some of the fruits of your labor, not really the weight loss-(I have lost 30 pounds and two pant sizes; there is no way she could not tell!) I think I'm just programmed not to care about that; my family always
said I was so much happier in the arms of a 'big' person even as a
baby that my tummy would stop hurting and I would just fall asleep.(Huh???)
Still, I do see that you look healthy and seem to be proud of all your hard work. I want to be supportive, yet I'm not there. I might get there and I might never. I finally like my
body in the past couple of years, even more than I ever could have when I was thin. (She has been working out and I am very proud of her. She is not overweight.) I love how strong and energetic I always feel- not sick and weak like I did in college. Right now I just know that the holiday season is never really as easy
as I I also know that I have way too much wrapped up in
diet hell. I really can't begin to explain what any kind of food
restriction does to me, how emotional that issue is. Yes, you've
heard me say it- and unless I screamed it in the street for 24 hours
straight I fear you couldn't possibly get it. (She does not like it that I refuse to eat sugar and wheat product. I did not make her make me special meals, or eat different foods. I just didn't eat bread or sugar, and that freaked her out.) So that's the major
dilemma right now- how to deal supportively with you while dealing with that
side of me that just doesn't see a happy normal between us about this
issue. All I can see is that I'm terrified of being in a household
where the 'mother' has extreme diet restrictions and I just can't do it
right now. (I guess her mother dieted a lot.) I think it's making me hypersensitive to lots of other small
things. I can feel myself over-relating to you as if you were my mom
and I can't do that anymore. (Since I can't eat bread...therefore I must be her mom...I guess.) It will literally push me over the edge.
When I joke about walking a fine line, it's not really a joke. I
barely made it through this past weekend and I'm not ready to try it again
right now. I feel bad that I
lied to you. I want you to be so successful in your endeavor.

You feel bad you lied to me? How about writing me this email? Today I lost over 150 pound because of my Lap Band. She was my best friend for 25 years. I am so sad I am going to bed.

Dear Cookielover,
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I wish I could leap over there and give you a big hug. I think it was cowardly and reprehensible that after 25 years your friend dumps you in an email. The least that she could have done was have a phone conversation with you. I do however understand that she obviously has some deep food issues as a child with her severely restictive mother. Maybe when she saw that you are being really restrictive in your carbs and sugar she was re-living her childhood issues. But frankly, she may be jealous that you are taking care of yourself and are possibly a happier person. The other option is that you might be talking about food issues, restictions, exercise, etc. so much that she might view you as a different person from the one she has known all these years and is not enjoying her time with you in the same way she use to. Either way it is my opinion that you should pick up the phone and talk it over so you don't wonder for the rest of your life Why she really stopped being your friend.
It is a sad thought but sometimes we outgrow our friends. Maybe your friendship with her will end but you WILL make many new friends along the way that will have your new interests and new positive outlook in common. Good luck with the situation and I will keep you in my prayers.
Cheryl

TheGh0st · 11-17-2007, 12:26 AM

I am so terribly sorry for you. I have no words that can explain it or make if feel better. But I know there are others out here that are thinking of you. We can't replace a friend of 25 years but we still care.

tommaney · 11-17-2007, 12:38 AM

HI Cookielover--I know you don't know me and there is a matter close to your heart, but I'd like to give you my support. My name is Ann, and I've been banded for a week after a lifetime of child, adolescent, and young adult obesity.

My first response to this letter is " Wow. This is all about HER past issues and how she's been ignoring them--not Cookielover!" Now I'm angry for you because all of us WLS people deserve open, supportive relationships in our lives.

Please remind yourself over and over again that some people, regardless of how long we've known them, can have quirks, buttons, and other "baggage" that completely obscures empathy and objectivity--qualities that are so needed in pivotal times. I wish your friend had the spiritual maturity to support you on your path while she goes down her own.

I really hope that the tried and true qualities of such a time-tested friendship can perservere and bring you two together again. If that isn't to be, all I can say is I would try to tuck her away into a special place in my heart and keep moving forward.

Please remember to take care of your health during this emotionally stressful time--it can really take a toll on your body!

Best wishes,
Ann

want2beme · 11-17-2007, 02:37 AM

It sounds as if your friend is still not being honest with you. Her lame cover-up excuses have more holes than swiss cheese.

Reading between the lines, (and lies), this is what I think she meant to say:

Dear Amy,
I can't tell you how much I am hurt that you had WLS. I mean, I am the skinny one! I am the center of attention! And now I hate you for taking that away from me! I could try to stay skinnier than you, so I can keep up my rep, but NO FAIR! You had WLS, and I have to do it on my own! WWHHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You were my wounded bird. You made me feel good about myself, especially when you and I were in public together.
The boys always looked at me... now I have competition? I hate you for that. I am going to take a break from you because I can't handle the emotional stress this has caused me. In the meantime, i am going to try to find another fat friend that can boost my confidence once again.

Thanks for being my 'friend', but your purpose has now dissolved.

Sincerely,

Best Friend w/ Major Self Issues

insubordination · 11-17-2007, 05:34 AM

That is so odd. I can't imagine how confused you're feeling. She clearly needs to speak to somebody. Know that it's nothing you've done. Why should your getting weightloss surgery affect her so deeply? No one in my life reacted like that. I don't get why she can't support you and why she won't let you support her through this.

Close friendships can be harder than relationships sometimes.

Quote:

I thought I was willing to exchange your happiness for my integrity

She needs to look up 'integrity' in the dictionary - stat. What a shitty thing to write to someone.

mscathyl · 11-17-2007, 06:43 AM

I haven't had WLS yet but when I told my best friend of 15 years or more that I was going to get it she was not supportive at all . She told me I could do it on my own and that I just didn't try hard enough and I was taking the easy way out . Mind you she has tried to stop smoking and failed even with the new pills they have now . I now know I can no longer share this part of my life with her .Thats why I started to talk on this site because you understand .

gretchens4 · 11-17-2007, 07:11 AM

Firstly, I am very sorry you have to go through this. It really is very sad, and your friend has some serious emotional issues that have zero to do with you! This is the reason I never told anyone except my husband about my surgery. People are crazy! However, your WLS is not the issue, it is the fact that you have control over your life and you're losing weight. I know this is a loss for you, but please look back on this relationship because there were probably many signs that led up to this letter.
Mostly, I just wanted to tell you not to get down, you are doing great. I have lost 68 pounds and have gotten such positive feedback from almost everyone. When someone has a negative reaction, it is about THEM.

take care.

Gretchen

banded 2/23/07

Michee · 11-17-2007, 07:20 AM

Thank You

Although it is really hard right now, this former friend deserves a big thank you. Despite her strange writing style, she has indeed broken up with you. Some people would not have had the courage to do that, instead they would have remained in your life and tried to sabotage your success. She has decided to "step aside" and has given you the gift of being able to fill the role of "good friend" with someone who is supportive, and can walk with you on this exciting journey.

God bless you and your former friend.

Jenne · 11-17-2007, 08:31 AM

The love of a best friend should be unconditional. That is my belief anyway. I am so sorry that you had to go through that, I hope that she will realize her foolishness and cruelty and reach out to you. You deserve nothing but support and admiration for your bravery -- we all do. Like someone else already said, we certainly can't replace a lifelong friend, but we are here nonetheless. She says you can't possible understand her food/diet issues - I would think you would understand more than anyone -- we all obviously have food issues or we wouldn't be where we are would we? I think it is SHE that cannot understand what YOU are going through. If she loves you (which I am sure she does underneath her ignorance), she will come around and be terribly sorry for her actions. This sucks, and I am sorry.

GayleTX · 11-17-2007, 08:50 AM

After reading wls boards for the past 2 years, it seems that this is a very common thing.....most people are not as open about why they disappear from our lives as your friend was - at least she told you what was bothering her. Most people just slink away....of course, many of them don't have the insight to understand why their feelings changed.

I think "want2beme" transaltion letter hit it right on the head. It's not YOU....it's HER. All you can do is do what's right for you - get healthy and go on with your life. Sometimes it's a real blessing to get toxic people out of our lives.....and we often don't realize they are toxic until they have been gone a while and their spot is filled with something/sometone that makes life much better.

I know you are hurting, and I'm sorry. But don't feel foolish....you have no reason to be anyting but proud of what you are doing for your life and for your future.

lawanda jessica · 11-17-2007, 09:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by want2beme

It sounds as if your friend is still not being honest with you. Her lame cover-up excuses have more holes than swiss cheese.

Reading between the lines, (and lies), this is what I think she meant to say:

Dear Amy,
I can't tell you how much I am hurt that you had WLS. I mean, I am the skinny one! I am the center of attention! And now I hate you for taking that away from me! I could try to stay skinnier than you, so I can keep up my rep, but NO FAIR! You had WLS, and I have to do it on my own! WWHHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You were my wounded bird. You made me feel good about myself, especially when you and I were in public together.
The boys always looked at me... now I have competition? I hate you for that. I am going to take a break from you because I can't handle the emotional stress this has caused me. In the meantime, i am going to try to find another fat friend that can boost my confidence once again.

Thanks for being my 'friend', but your purpose has now dissolved.

Sincerely,

Best Friend w/ Major Self Issues

Bingo!
I know you are upset but honey she is not a good friend.
I bet you are prettier than she is.
Now that you are losing weight she has to compete.
B*tches!
I have a feeling one of my friends will be the same way!
She's already starting with the comments!
Jealousy is a dangerous emotion.

hijabigirl1973 · 11-17-2007, 11:07 AM

Amy I just want to say I'm really sorry this has happened.

coolcrystal · 11-17-2007, 11:35 AM

I agree with want2beme . She hit the nail on the head.
Gosh, I hope I don't go through this with my skinny friends too.