First step to getting that fat girl out of my mind

Hollie519 · 08-20-2008, 03:00 PM

Its a long one so you don't have to read it.

I, like most of you, have been over weight my whole life. I battled with weight right next to a thin younger sister. She is now a stuck, materialistic kind of person who doesn’t care about other people.
To tell you the truth, I hate being fat and hated the years I had to grow up fat but I wouldn't have traded it for the world. I wouldn’t be the person I am today had I not been. I feel I have confidence in my personality, my brain, and my work ethic. I strive so hard to be what people wish they could be or just be someone people want to be around. This could have something to do with having a father who was a productive alcoholic. He liked to work more than he liked being with his family. At a younger age, I prided myself off the fact that no one hated me. This, I feel, has caused me a lot of emotional and mental damage.
I know I did things out of lack of self worth and as ashamed as I am to say it, lack of self respect. I mean I slept with people so they would like me more. I have matured since than, so I can see the errors in my ways. I just find it’s difficult for people to understand why I did it. All I can say was I wanted people to like me, I wanted to be that girl and if I gave people what they wanted, I thought I would be. You know it turns out life isn't that way.
AAHH! I just blamed so many things on being fat. I mean I had girls be so mean to me in middle school who said they were my friends and had been for previous years. A girl who said she was my best friend dared her neighbor to see how far he could get with me. He did, but I was innocent than. He had me backed in a corner... I'm sure you can imagine the rest. My own friends. How sick. I never thought what crazy people. I thought wow something must be wrong with me. Honestly even today, telling that story out loud brings me to tears.
I lived with my Grandparents at the age of 7 while my parents were building the house they live in today. My Grandpa was a heavy machinery mechanic so he worked nights. He taught me to read and watched me everyday after school. He was like my father since my real one was never home. We eventually moved out and had been over at their house visiting. My cousins were there and my mom said we had to go home. I threw a baby fit and went to sit in the car. My Grandpa was standing outside and lipped Olive juice to me (cause it looks like I love you). I just gave him a dirty look because I was so mad and than we left. My grandpa died that Friday; Father’s day weekend. I have never felt so guilty about anything in my life. My Grandpa’s death has haunted me since the day he died. Even typing this right now is making me sick to my stomach.
Since I had been so confident to go to middle school, and the girls were so mean, I was dreading high school. I started smoking pot over the summer. I just had such a big fear of saying something wrong that I wanted to make sure I could have an excuse. Saying oh because I was high gave me the illusion of being cool. I started getting into heavier drugs and hanging out with people who only wanted to take advantage of me. I let them. Knowingly. I just wanted so bad to be a part of a group, I was dumb.
Eventually I transferred schools and started living better and made real friends. One day I had missed the bus and my mom was really mad that she had to take me to school. We had been talking about a family friend of ours that my mom had always kept on a Pedi stool even though she’s stupid as shit. She had always compared my sister and me to her and her brother. My mom than started talking about me losing weight and here are her exact words, “I just don’t think you are the kind of girl that guys look at.” Today I know my mom didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I just felt like mentally I had grown up a lot and no longer had a surface hate for myself, had good grades and was off drugs. It just felt like it was never enough. It was never going to be enough. Let’s just say my high school cycle repeated itself with the self hate and the drugs.
Today, my mom is so proud of me. My whole family is. My mom had called me one day and said you need to take a new picture because when you call I see one of this fat girl. I know it was supposed to be a compliment but it hurt. I felt like if I ever gained the weight back she wouldn’t love me as much. I mean I know it’s because she wants me to be all I can but my mind just won’t take it that way.
I know I still have self hate in my body. It’s deep in there but I can feel it. When I have time to think, I don’t have very happy thoughts. After losing 90 pounds I should but just don’t. I go in for a screening for counseling on September 3^rd but have nothing in the meantime. I have a guy who’s like my brother to confide in, but he has been away for the past year and doesn’t have much time to talk. Oh and I do have a boyfriend but don’t tell him anything about this because he takes it personally. Stupid I know but he’s been here since before I had the surgery and is now more insecure now that I am thin. I just wish I didn’t care about what other people think.

Thanks for listening. I needed that.

minpinmom · 08-20-2008, 03:16 PM

Thank you for sharing your story - most people on this board can and do relate. You are a brave, beautiful soul. One day, I hope you can see it.

coolcrystal · 08-20-2008, 03:50 PM

Awe, thanks for sharing your story.. I teared up.. especially reading the part about your grandfather.. you know, he probably giggled when you drove away.. kids pout, it's what they do when they have to do something they don't want to do and he probably thought it was cute that you were getting upset that you had to leave. In his eyes that meant you wanted to stay with him and it was a compliment. When my nephew goes home and gets upset that he has to leave, it makes me feel kind of good because it means he wants to stay with me.. So, dont' remember your scowl, remember his Olive Juice (my DH and I say this to each other too.. lol).

And congrats on the weightloss!!!!!!!!! it changes everything..

Ang1982 · 08-20-2008, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by minpinmom

Thank you for sharing your story - most people on this board can and do relate. You are a brave, beautiful soul. One day, I hope you can see it.

I am going to second what minpinmom said as she said it perfectly and add in a *big hug*

Hollie519 · 08-20-2008, 04:43 PM

You guys have no idea how much your words mean to me. I have never one time thought of it that way Crystal. Thank you so much. You have no idea what that does for me. :]

leknigh · 08-20-2008, 05:47 PM

Hollie - You are an amazing young woman! Of course I've never met you, but from reading some of the posts you've left for others, and this very personal thread of your own - I still can never believe it when I read your age is only 18. You are so wise and mature beyond your years, and have so many positive and intelligent things that you share with the rest of us.
So THANK YOU for continuing to share, and major congrats for understanding and fighting those "demons" inside..... I think the majority of us on this site can relate in one way or another, and also learn from you. **BIG HUGS**

Flowerpurr · 08-20-2008, 05:53 PM

Hi Hollie,

I can totally relate to your story except for the drugs. I never got into those. You sound like a smart and intellegant person so don't let your mother get you down. They all do that because they love us. Congratulations on your weight loss. I hope I can lose that much as well.

Hollie519 · 08-20-2008, 06:05 PM

I never knew that people i do not know could have such an impact on the way i feel about myself. You guys really really have no idea what your words mean to me. Its good to know I will never be alone. Something i always thought would happen to me. :]

crzytchr · 08-20-2008, 07:23 PM

You are truly amazing. I too, was surprised that you are only 18. It is always easier to believe the negative things we hear, but please realize that most of the time the people closest to us don't realize that the things they say to us are hurtful.
Know that you are worthy of love and continue to let your boyfriend know how you feel about him. My husband and I have been together for almost 18 years and he still feels slightly insecure when I lose weight. He used to try to "fatten me back up". Now, he realizes that my health is at stake, so he is supportive. Remember, they loved us at our fattest and they want to keep us all to themselves!

Hollie519 · 08-20-2008, 09:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crzytchr

You are truly amazing. I too, was surprised that you are only 18. It is always easier to believe the negative things we hear, but please realize that most of the time the people closest to us don't realize that the things they say to us are hurtful.
Know that you are worthy of love and continue to let your boyfriend know how you feel about him. My husband and I have been together for almost 18 years and he still feels slightly insecure when I lose weight. He used to try to "fatten me back up". Now, he realizes that my health is at stake, so he is supportive. Remember, they loved us at our fattest and they want to keep us all to themselves!

My boyfriend is pretty funny. He said to me one day, "Don't be offended, okay? Sometimes I feel like Shallow Hal. I look at all of our o
ld pictures and I don't remember you looking like that. I mean like that big".
I was happy because I know he loves me for me, but for some reason this head of mine was like, that means it doesn't count when he says your beautiful because he just means on the inside. I hate that I think that way but I have scheduled the intake process to start counseling.

Thank you for your compliments.

HeatherO · 08-20-2008, 09:30 PM

Thanks so much for sharing your story. Middle school and high school years are the toughest, most trying years of your life. I always hear, oh I wish I were young again . . . but for me I never want to revisit the days of teenage angst.

Everything gets easier for almost everyone when they move into their early 20's. Now you get to move into adulthood as a healthy, more confident young woman. The best parts of your life are only just beginning.