Daughters:Pre-teen--To Tell or not?

winner · 08-26-2006, 12:29 AM

I've got 2 daughters, twins, 12yo. They are struggling with their weight and puberty. My gut (no pun intended) says keep quiet about this procedure while their young egos are trying to stay at a healthy weight. But they're nothing if not smart, and could inadvertantly find out. My first surgery consult is in 2 days.
Any thoughts?:rolleyes

Boo · 08-26-2006, 12:44 AM

I chose to not tell my daughters and nieces. They are very weight-conscious; two nieces have eating disorders. I just think it will be difficult for them to process this. I used the "hernia operation" excuse for having surgery and explain the dietary changes, incisions and pain.

As I have changed my eating patterns, the girls have watched me begin to slim down and feel better. I want them to notice the positive changes in my attitude, my energy level, and food choices, not just my size.

Years down the road, I may decide otherwise. I just feel it is risky to tell at an impressionable age.

I love your name, "Winner"!

Jachut · 08-26-2006, 01:28 AM

I told my children - boys 10 and 8 and a 3 year old girl - as I didnt see how on earth I would hide it from them.

We approached it from the point of view that some people struggle with their weight and that I needed to do something about mine as I wasnt feeling the best.

Since then, its been way more about getting fit and the focus has been on improving family eating and exercise habits. I dont think that you can hide from kids the dangers of living a poor lifestyle, they do need to understand the implications. The only danger I think is presenting it in terms of "I'm ugly and fat and I need to lose weight".

I really felt that the bad example had already been set. I'd progressively gotten heavier and heavier and had done plenty of moaning and complaining and stop/start diet attempts prior to my surgery. Hiding the actual surgery seemed unecessary to me.

However, I'm glad my 3 year old daughter will never remember anything of it. For this reason I'm deeply uncomfortable with cosmetic surgery, I would have a tummy tuck if I really needed to but I think it would probably be only a case of necessity for me. For me personally the Lap Band surgery was a lot about vanity, but that was easily hidden, it would not be the same were I to go in for a breast lift. I can guarantee I'll never ever have a face lift or anything of that nature.

But where do you draw the line. Its not by having weight loss surgery or cosmetic surgery that we put these thoughts into young children's heads, its far more endemic than that. Its in our everyday attitudes, its on every magazine cover and television screen. I just think until this ideology changes, it really is irrelevant whether we tell our kids about the big things, its just down to personal preference.

Tired_Old_Man · 08-26-2006, 01:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by winner

I've got 2 daughters, twins, 12yo. They are struggling with their weight and puberty. My gut (no pun intended) says keep quiet about this procedure while their young egos are trying to stay at a healthy weight. But they're nothing if not smart, and could inadvertantly find out. My first surgery consult is in 2 days.
Any thoughts?:rolleyes

Maybe if they see the pain that you have to go through, it might help them make the right eating choices in the future. But if you decide not to tell them, when they find out about the Lap Band, and I guarrantee you that they will, they will be hurt and feel you were dishonest with them. And children learn more by actions than by words. Set a good example and be honest with your daughters.

DonnaB · 08-27-2006, 12:39 PM

That's a tough one! The good news is, they're 12 years old and have reached the age of reason. I think it would cause more damage to find out on their own, and possibly feel that you didn't trust them or, worst case, thought you were lying to them.

At 12 years old I think it would benefit them to feel like you are confiding in them what is going on, explain that you'll need their support (without actually making them feel they are responsible for your health or the outcome), and showing them by example what a difference healthy choices can make, along with what REAL portion sizes are.

At 12 years old, they can logically figure out what their futures may hold if they don't achieve mastery over their bodies through the food choices they make.

Good luck on this tough decision. Welcome to LapBandTalk.

sleepyjean · 08-27-2006, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DonnaB

That's a tough one! The good news is, they're 12 years old and have reached the age of reason. I think it would cause more damage to find out on their own, and possibly feel that you didn't trust them or, worst case, thought you were lying to them.

At 12 years old I think it would benefit them to feel like you are confiding in them what is going on, explain that you'll need their support (without actually making them feel they are responsible for your health or the outcome), and showing them by example what a difference healthy choices can make, along with what REAL portion sizes are.

At 12 years old, they can logically figure out what their futures may hold if they don't achieve mastery over their bodies through the food choices they make.

I agree. And if I put my pre-teen hat on, I would think that you are either ashamed of what you are about to do, or else this is a case of "do as say not as I do." It could look as though you're saying it's ok for them to have weight issues, but not for you. They should be ok with their weight, even though you aren't ok with yours.

The example you are setting is not one of someone who is ashamed or taking the easy way out. You are setting an example of someone who has been through a lot of sh*t and finally learned after many many years of struggle, how very important it is to take care of and respect your own body. I think a lot of us wish we'd learned that lesson a lot earlier than we did. And maybe your girls won't have to go to such drastic extremes as surgery.

Nana~ · 08-27-2006, 01:53 PM

You COULD tell them it's gall bladder surgery, that way this would explain you new eating habits and healing time.
I told my kids about it though, I tell everyone about it!
Another thing you have to think about is, if you do not tell them the truth and tell them it's surgery for something Else, what about your fill apts?
What will you tell them about your Dr. apts for your adjustments?
Maybe not an issue for you, but my Dr is 3 hours away I have to let them know I'm going :)
Nana~

gonnabethin · 08-27-2006, 01:56 PM

approach it from a logical healthcare point of view. You are taking steps to make yourself healthy so that you can set a good example for them. And that together you can learn a healthy eating pattern before they are on their own and have to make those tough decisions. I really wish I had learned to eat better as a pre-teen. Its so much cheaper to eat crap of any of the value menus than to eat healthy.

Good Luck!

want2lose · 08-27-2006, 02:44 PM

I was not planning on telling my girls. They are 7 & 11, and it is something I asked about at my psych eval. She told me that it was perfectly OK not to go into details of the surgery if I didn't want to. I would be able to set an example of how healthy eating and exercise is something that needs to be followed to maintain a healthy weight. Since I will be eating healthy, and exercising, that is the part they will see. I think one thing I have learned on this board is that the band is a tool and will not work on its own. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking there is a quick fix out there for anything in life. Fortunately my girls do not have weight issues, but I know my 11 y/o is about to hit puberty, and will become much more body conscious in the coming years. I hope my new food and exercise choices will become a part of our entire family's life.

As far as going into surgery and the initial recovery period, I haven't decided yet quite what to tell them. I think I can just say I am having a simple procedure to help me be healthier and that may be enough information. We'll see.

Constance · 08-27-2006, 04:45 PM

I told my step-daughter who is 14. She is very mature and understands much more than I give her credit for. Ultimately keeping it from her would be acting like it is something I am ashamed about. I want her to understand that there is nothing WRONG with being heavy, and that I have made a decison to change my body. Getting surgery doesn't mean I have 'given up' or 'taken the easy way'. It is hard either way - to diet OR to get the band. I know, it is kind of awkward - even she said "Yeah, I bet it is hard for some people to tell their kids because they are someone the kids look up to, and then they go and do this drastic thing when the kids probably don't notice there is anything wrong"

See! She is so smart! Anyway, I think it is better to be honest if you think your kids can handle it and understand. Probabaly if she were under 10 I would think twice, only because "surgery" can sound so scary to smaller kids.

JAYGERL05 · 08-27-2006, 05:22 PM

i would tell them, my daughter was 12 when i had mine and the first time i had to pb, she caught me and the bathroom and she was soooo scared that i was going to die. I then had to sit her down and explain to her about me and digesting food and throwing up and etc.... She helps me alot.

ThunderThighs · 08-27-2006, 06:37 PM

I don't know about girls, as I only have boys, ages 15 and 12. I chose to tell my kids because prior to my Lap Band surgery, I chose to not tell them about something I had done, that is permanent but not relative to weight issues. My then 10 yr old found out and was devastated that I didn't tell him and felt I was lying to him. I learned the hard way that honesty is best in situations like these. I tell them everything that happens with the Lap Band, the pb'ing, the weight loss. They have even gone for fills and in an emergency, unfills, with me. They understand what the Lap Band does and why. On a side note, I've also explained that it's not too late to start a healthier lifestyle of eating and have been an example to them in our home by buying, eating and cooking healthier meals.
So, as to answer your question, I think the girls are old enough to comprehend what is going to happen and will be hurt in the long run when they find out you had not told them the truth. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that they will more likely find out through some other source that you had the surgery, then never find out. But, they are your girls and you need to go with your feeling on whether or not to tell them.
Good luck.