Am I right to be mad about this? Advice needed..........

nesser081982 · 05-08-2008, 09:45 AM

Back in January when I found out that I could be having my surgery done soon, I went and spoke with the office manager about how I would be needing to have time off for this surgery. At the same time, I had asked if perhaps I would be able to have a differently scheduled lunch time for awhile because of it being the LAP-BAND® surgery I needed to be on a pre-op diet, and I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable at lunch with just having a shake (we have a lot of nosy people at my work). She assured me it was fine (which I ended up not doing anyways, I just stayed with the same lunch time), and that whatever I told her was confidential, and so forth. A week later I found out that she mentioned it to the HR Manager, which I thought was fine, seeing that he is the HR Manager. Now, a week after my surgery, I find out that that isn't the only other person she told. A friend of mine, is an assistant to one of the producers, and he asked her how I was doing, and she acted dumb and said, well what do you mean? and then he said, well you know what I mean, her surgery. Everyone knows she had it done. I am soooo upset and hurt by this. I had been told that what I was saying was confidential. If I had wanted everyone to know what I was doing, I would have told them myself. And, he didn't even have the guts to ask me how I'm doing to my face, he had to go and ask someone else. The worst part of it all is, is now I'm actually ashamed and embarrassed that I've even had it done. Because a lot of the people that I work with are kinda snooty and they are sooo perfect, and I just know that he thinks that it's just the lazy way to lose weight. Until now, I thought that I was doing the right thing, now I'm not so sure.

Thanks in advance guys. I'm sooo upset about this, I was devestated when I found out yesterday, and now this morning, I could still cry...

Frenchie1959 · 05-08-2008, 09:58 AM

Sweetie, of course you're angry and have every right to feel betrayed. Acknowledge those feelings and don't use food to comfort yourself. People cannot keep a secret. I'm not blaming you, but the request for a different lunch added fuel to the gossip fire. Your need for a separate lunch time is not about making other people uncomfortable because you're having a shake. It's about making you comfortable about having a shake while other people are eating food. Do you guys have to eat together? Anything you can do to keep things normal and not bring attention to yourself is a step toward keeping nosy people out of your business. Good luck. Go ahead and cry. You'll get over it and move on.

susansilver · 05-08-2008, 10:12 AM

There is another issue here. That HR person acted very unprofessionally and should at the least be reprimanded. If I were you I would go to the HR manager and lodge a complaint! There are privacy laws for goddness sakes!

As for your feelings - you have every right to be angry, but......please don't be ashamed at having had the surgery! How many morbidly obese people are walking around out there not doing ANYTHING to improve their health and quality of life! Look at the steps you have taken and be proud at your stength and bravery! This is not an easy decision, nor is the change of lifestyle easy to make. I think you are a hero!!

Susan

MrsFlipFlops · 05-08-2008, 10:21 AM

I agree, it was very unethical. HR should act as a third party- not everyone's office buddy. I'd go to the HR manager as well.

Bozzj · 05-08-2008, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susansilver

There is another issue here. That HR person acted very unprofessionally and should at the least be reprimanded. If I were you I would go to the HR manager and lodge a complaint! There are privacy laws for goddness sakes!

As for your feelings - you have every right to be angry, but......please don't be ashamed at having had the surgery! How many morbidly obese people are walking around out there not doing ANYTHING to improve their health and quality of life! Look at the steps you have taken and be proud at your stength and bravery! This is not an easy decision, nor is the change of lifestyle easy to make. I think you are a hero!!

Susan

I agree. The HR person you spoke with has the ability to go to your manager and inform him/her that they are making a resonable accomodation for you. No specifics should be given. Beyond that, no one else should be speaking of what that might/might not be.

Being in HR myself, I know that there aren't always ethical people in a department (hence why i haven't told anyone anything). I'd express your concern to the HR Mgr. and use this experience as a lesson; that you cannot trust others to keep a secret in your company. I learned mine, hence why i just say i'm on a diet. I also eat alone at my desk.

mandyjo · 05-08-2008, 11:52 AM

Coming to terms with the LAP-BAND® is not a overnight thing. So being outed is a very frustrating thing. If you can find people around you that support you and muster up the courage to face the people you may feel better. Not making the issue the surgery just the fact a trust was broken. Good luck

tapshoes · 05-08-2008, 01:46 PM

As MandyJo said the issue is NOT the surgery, the issue is breech of trust. This is deplorable, and (as far as I am concerned) actionable. I would absolutely go to the head of HR and the organization with the facts (not the emotions), and demand that at a minimum that you be accorded a formal apology.

Good luck.

05-08-2008, 01:57 PM

I agree with everyone else and you have the right to be upset. You have the right to your privacy and should definately file a complaint.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nesser081982

The worst part of it all is, is now I'm actually ashamed and embarrassed that I've even had it done. Because a lot of the people that I work with are kinda snooty and they are sooo perfect, and I just know that he thinks that it's just the lazy way to lose weight. Until now, I thought that I was doing the right thing, now I'm not so sure.

Hon, you should never let anyone make you feel ashamed of bettering your life. Whoever thinks LB is the easy way is ignorant and not worth your time. This is not easy! You still have to make smart choices, exercise and work your tushy off to lose the weight. You now have a tool that will help you do that! Stay positive and remember why you got LB in the first place. If they don't like it - screw em!

kathystrick · 05-08-2008, 02:07 PM

I agree with what everyone else has said. At the very least, the HR person you spoke with was unethical. I would definitely lodge a complaint against her.

I know it's hard when you are "outed" before you are ready to be. It happened to me here at work as well and I was hurt, then furious because someone thought so little of my privacy that she talked about my impending surgery to anyone who would listen! Now the way I deal with it is I just don't talk about it at work EVER.

Good luck and keep your chin up!

Wheetsin · 05-08-2008, 02:19 PM

Quote:

The worst part of it all is, is now I'm actually ashamed and embarrassed that I've even had it done. Because a lot of the people that I work with are kinda snooty and they are sooo perfect, and I just know that he thinks that it's just the lazy way to lose weight. Until now, I thought that I was doing the right thing, now I'm not so sure.

As a third party reader, this is more concerning than the breach of confidence.

Long story short - don't give people that much power over you. People knowing you have the band, not even saying anything but knowing, should be no where near significant enough to make you go from confident about your decision for YOUR health and YOUR life, to now embarassed and doubting whether or not you did the right thing. This was for you, not them -- right?

Before you learned that others knew, did you feel you did the right thing?

And just because people know, has that really changed?

You're also attributing feelings and emotions to people that they haven't expressed to you. Someone might be tempted to call that projection.

As for the breah of confidence, if it were me I would have a discussion with the office manager about what it means to me when someone says soething is confidental, compared to what it means to them. I would also find out why, even though a claim of confidentiality was made during business, the "news" was also shared during business. I may also ask the HR manager to attend. However, that's just me, and not everyone addresses problems the same way. So - is this something you feel you need to address, and if so, what type of confrontation (neutral, not aggressive) are you comfortable with?

Since people may already know, and you don't want any more attention about it than you already have, I would suggest being open about it. When something has something unusual, and they're open about it, the initial curiosity goes away and things are forgotten about. Most people can pull up times they've experienced this as early bac kas gradeschool. But when you try to supress it, or react in an emotionally charged way, is when it keeps buzzing for long periods of time.

mamato3 · 05-08-2008, 03:06 PM

You have every right to be upset! Unfortunately, what's done is done. Not alot you can do about it now. I think you should stand tall and proud that you have taken your health seriously and taken a wonderful step to improve it. Believe me... those people in your office who are "soooo perfect", definately are NOT perfect. None of us are perfect! You did do the right thing, for YOU!

three sixty six · 05-08-2008, 04:39 PM

"I just stayed with the same lunch time), and that whatever I told her was confidential, and so forth. A week later I found out that she mentioned it to the HR Manager, which I thought was fine, seeing that he is the HR Manager. Now, a week after my surgery, I find out that that isn't the only other person she told. A friend of mine, is an assistant to one of the producers, and he asked her how I was doing, and she acted dumb and said, well what do you mean? and then he said, well you know what I mean, her surgery. Everyone knows she had it done. I am soooo upset and hurt by this."

Of course you should be upset and hurt by this! They have NO RIGHT breaking their confidentiality. People in management scare me sometimes - they know a lot of personal information - and they are often the chattiest people. GRR!! (can you tell this happened to me?!)

Who's the absolute highest boss/manager where you work? If I were you, I would make it a point to sit down with him/her and explain how you feel that employees' personnel files are being breached - that's what this is!

I'm sorry this happened to you. Good luck - keep us posted on what happens.

zoomomma · 05-08-2008, 04:50 PM

I would definately go to her supervisor and advise them of what she is doing. There are privacy laws in place that she has broken. She should be at least reprimanded and be required to apologize. However, if you make a huge public stink it could make things worse. I would do all of this privately. And if someone asks about your surgery I would be open about it. I mean you have done alot to be proud of.