Why is my partner trying to sabotage me??

ffpandamer · 11-02-2009, 06:52 PM

I had my surgery on 9/24/09 and i've been working so hard at loosing weight. I have no restriction yet, so my weight loss has been mostly willpower, and will continue to be so for a few more weeks.

So my partner brough in four candybars yesterday, and a family sized pack of oreos today. And I confronted her and she got so angry at me!

She said she didn't understand why she should be forced to change her lifestyle to match my diet. She said she hated the foods I have to eat now, and wants to eat her own food.

I said that was fine, that I just wanted her to bring in enough for her to eat in one sitting. That pack of oreos sitting in the kitchen is a killer for me. I sit up late at night on the pc, and I have trouble with late night snacking. Now there are oreos to entice me - wonderful!

She doesn't get it. She just kept yelling, saying she wasn't sabotaging me, getting so defensive. So now i feel horrible, like I've done something wrong.

How can I live here if I can't get the support from the one other person that lives here too? Why is she doing this to me? I've been struggling for years and years and years, and now I not only have to fight my hunger and diet, but I have to fight her too?

This is absolutely tearing me up, and she just keeps saying she's not trying to sabotage me - I just do not believe her. I don't know what to do.

123crod · 11-02-2009, 07:07 PM

I was banded 3½ weeks ago. My husband eats all day long. He weighs the same as he did when I married him 29 years ago.

He eat 3 meals a day plus snacks all day and ice cream before bed. The cabinets are full of all his junk food. I also have a 3 year old grandbaby who likes papa's snacks.

I just have my own cabinet and keep my stuff in there. If they leave something out I put in in their cabinet. I know all the goodies that are in there but I stay away from them. He has to eat too and would never want to make it worse on me. Heck I even buy it for the sknny-minnies.

So maybe she is just hungry. Does she have a weight problem?

ffpandamer · 11-02-2009, 07:10 PM

She's mildly overweight, and watching her own eating. But she's going at her diet from a totally different direction than me, which is fine.

I never thought of making a space in the kitchen just for her stuff. that could work - out of sight out of mind right? I'm going to give that a try.

Thank you :)

sandiegokate · 11-02-2009, 07:12 PM

Sorry to hear that you are feeling sabotaged.

I can imagine it would be difficult to be in a situation where you can't control what is around you. I live alone, but for the last week or so my mom has been with me... it has definitely affected my eating and what is around and I have to do something about it for the next week or two that she will still be with me. I have thought to myself often how hard it must be for those who have families/partners/spouses/roommates, etc. around with food that is "contraband" all the time.

Rather than blaming the person, which will put probably most people into defense mode, maybe you can change the location of where the food is kept? shoot.. even put a lock on a cupboard or something. Just as someone has the right to eat it you have the right to not be exposed to it. Somewhat like smoking when I think about it.

To us, food is like nicotene to a smoker. Maybe brainstorming with your partner you can try to solve the problem "together" so that your relationship isn't strained but you both work together to find a solution.

Just my two cents..

Best of luck!!!!

123crod · 11-02-2009, 07:14 PM

It will not be totally out of mind but it does help. Looks like your weight loss is good? Is all that post op? I am at 34 lbs and 3½ weeks post op

HappyHomeCC · 11-02-2009, 09:51 PM

I hear you , my husband brings stuff home and gets defensive about his food selection.

My husband is the one that buys the junk food , ( I wish he would keep in in the trunk of the car or at work) he has to have the sweets with his coffee etc.... I told him that he is evil, so since I have been telling him the calories in things he is consuming ie Chipotle steak fajita... 1200 cal plus a coke, chips and guac. yeah you get the picture. He said ... "I liked you better before" ,
he was telling me the other day I was walking to fast ha ha ha.... He is starting to make better choices about what to bring home... ie not dove bars but skinny cow, he is learning to read labels and my kids are reading labels and calling him on the serving sizes.... it is really funny. and cool.... he is coming around slowly. He is mourning the loss of his ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFETS. I told him if he wants to he can go with a friend...don't let me stop you , but when you get home I don't want to hear you moaning !!!!

I envy the people that have their partners, spouses, moms etc that get banded together. Someone to make goals with that understands when you say you don't want something. Can you imagine the grocery bill how it changes.
My social eating patterns will change (actually a lot already has changed) and I can go do activities that are not food centered. I think that is where a lot of my friendships will break... not wanting to partake of the plate of Nachos ... thinking to do a bike ride instead.

This will be a life altering journey for sure. I wonder where I will be a few years from now?

crzytchr · 11-02-2009, 10:23 PM

Y'all are so much nicer than I am. Years ago my husband used to sabotage my weight loss efforts. He knew ice cream was my downfall so I didn't want it in the house. He complained that he had a right to have it his house if he wanted. I politely told him, he absolutely could, if he wanted his "house" to be under his parents' roof. Well, we stopped bringing ice cream in the house.

This time around, he rarely sabotages. He is proud of what I have accomplished, relishes in my new-found confidence, and he realizes my weight loss has greatly increased my health; and that is more important than keeping me fat.

melmarlem · 11-02-2009, 10:37 PM

The hardest thing for me has been living with "normal" people who eat "normal" foods. Especially with the holidays coming up. While I used to think that my family was trying to sabotage me, I finally realized that I can't force them into my new healthy lifestyle. They are still entitled to eating whatever they want, whenever they want. I have a LAP-BAND®, they do not. It takes a lot of willpower, but it will get easier as you go on. I always say to myself, "That candybar isn't worth the 55 lbs. I just worked my ass of for!" I've also found that when I feel hungry and it's not time to eat, or I feel like I might snack on something, I go to the gym and work out. I'm never hungry after working out. If I'm not close to the gym, then I look at a picture of myself when I was nearly 270lbs. That is all the motivation in the world to not cheat! Hang in there!! Just don't be too unrealistic with your partner.

serenity55 · 11-02-2009, 10:50 PM

Is it possible that your partner has some fears that need to be addressed?

My closest friend, whom I've known since elementary school, told me before I got banded that she was concerned that I'd stop eating the same. I told her that I'd be able to enjoy the same things, just much less. Maybe your partner is afraid that you'll be much slimmer than she is? That's another thing my girlfriend brought up.

Just a couple of thoughts. I hope things work out.

Please let us know.

Debbie.

ffpandamer · 11-03-2009, 01:04 AM

Well we talked a lot calmer, and I think the whole "special cabinet" idea is going to work. At least I do hope it will.

I know she doesn't want me to get skinnier than her - and I can handle that. If that pushes her to work harder to loose weight, cool! As for me, I have my own goals which aren't based in competition. But now I know to watch for warning signs, and try to head them off before they become a problem.

Thank you everyone for your advice :) I will take this slow and try not to get too angry - it's a new situation for both of us, and I don't want to isolate her during it.

:D

ffpandamer · 11-03-2009, 01:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 123crod

It will not be totally out of mind but it does help. Looks like your weight loss is good? Is all that post op? I am at 34 lbs and 3½ weeks post op

It's all post - op for me :) i'm plateau'd because i have no restriction, and it's willpower alone keeping me here. Can't wait for my next fill!!!

Gratz!!!

tapshoes · 11-03-2009, 10:40 AM

I am glad that you have talked with your partner, and are going to try to resolve this.

Fortunately I didn't have the issue with DH; in fact, I made the commitment at the beginning that I wasn't going to have separate cupbaords etc, and I was just going to have to learn to eat bandster style while in a 'regular' house. It worked for us, but every person has to find a solution for themselves.

It is true though that you soon discover how much of your relationships with family and/or friends is based on eating. Once you stop going to the all-you-can-eat buffets (why bother, lots of money for a few mouthfuls), or making the point of any gathering 'the food', you will develop new/different relationships with people, or with different people.

ParrotheadCathy · 11-03-2009, 11:52 AM

My adult granddaughter and her daughter live with me. My granddaughter is 5'7" and weighs about 125. Obviously, she doesn't need to give up her junk food. She eats the healthy meals I cook and all that crap. If it's where I can just put my hands on it, I'll eat it sometimes.

My solution has been to have a place for her stuff, away from the food items I need to have access to in order to cook for all of us or prepare stuff just for me. She's fine with that, says she understands the whole out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing.

If your partner doesn't understand the whole out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing, then it's time for a big, honest discussion because that would definitely be intentional sabotage.

SpideyMom · 11-03-2009, 12:27 PM

I felt the same way at first. My dh said he was going to start eating healthy with me, but then he started bringing in the Oreos and donuts and ice cream. I could have strangled him! But I realized that nagging him wasn't going to make it any better -- in fact, it would make it worse (we've gone through this before with his smoking).

Also, I realized that because I am making a lifestyle change, I am going to be tempted for the rest of my life. Therefore, I just had to learn to live with it around. I don't like it, but I don't eat it.

After a while, the amount of junk he was bringing home decreased. He simply went through a panic phase at the beginning where I was losing weight rapidly and he had his own issues to work through. I let him work through them without bugging, and it seems to be fine nearly six months out.

HTH. Good luck to you. Just stick to your guns and let her work things out in her own mind in her own time.

This is a big change for both of you.

Odjii · 11-03-2009, 02:24 PM

Just keep in mind how bad you want this. Try to look at those foods and hate them rather than obsess over it. I hate most fast food now. And I don't even have the band in yet. My mindset is just geared towards success.