A thread for Single Bandsters

chrispygal · 11-12-2006, 07:16 AM

I thought it might be a good idea to have a thread where we could discuss the different challenges/issues we face as being single and banded.

I'll start with introducing myself. My name is Chris, I am 32 and live in a suburb of Boston. About a year ago I got out of a 5 year relationship and have just casually dated (online dating) since then. I have decided to take a break from dating for a bit, so I can focus on myself and adjust to living life as a bandster. (I was just banded on 10/2). One of my biggest concerns when I start dating again is if/when to tell that I am banded. It's not that I don't want to tell people, it's just that my idea of great dinner conversation does not include discussing my weight. Overall I would say that I have a great life. I have a good job, a very supportive family, and lots of friends. I am happy to be taking control over my weight and issues with food, and am excited at the prospect of my future as a not-so-fat woman.

I look forward to meeting more single bandsters and hope this thread takes off!

Chris :cocktail:

BPM · 11-12-2006, 07:29 AM

I am not banded or single...but my opinion is that if discussing your band makes you uncomfortable then don't do it.

Nobody needs to know in my opinion.....I am not sure I understand what challenge you are talking about but that's my .02.

MissyC · 11-12-2006, 07:54 AM

Hi,
My name is Missy. I am 45 years old and have been slightly overweight all my life. I have been divorced for nearly 25 years.
I didn't get significantly overweight till I hit my mid 30's. For the last 10 years I gained steadily til I reached a top wt of 266.
And I am only 5'2" so I was ROTUND. Well, I still am, but getting better. 30 lbs has made a difference.
I don't date, not because I don't want to, but because I don't get asked. I haven't been on a date in 3 1/2 years.

I'm kinda stuck in a funny mindset....do I want someone who would only ask out a skinny me?
I am not hesitant about sharing that I've been banded. It doesn't bother me to talk about it at all. If it bothers them, thats they're problem.
Banded on 5/22/06
start wt 266
current wt 229.
Struggling but hopeful.

skmsu · 11-12-2006, 07:59 AM

Hi Chris,
This thread is a great idea. I am still in the pre-surgery stages of the process. I have had most of my tests and hope to have surgery in Jan. I have been divorced for about 6 years. I don't think I would even discuss the band in a dating situation, but would be alright with it in a more serious relationship. I have only told a couple of people about it so far, just very good friends and family. I worked in Boston for a couple of years and lived in Waltham. I just moved back to the Philly area last Feb. Good luck with your band and dating. I hope this thread takes off as well.

chrispygal · 11-12-2006, 09:24 AM

BPM - it's not a matter of being uncomfortable, just about the right timing.

Missy - I understand what you mean. I have seen other posts about newly slender bandsters dating guys who tell them they would never date an overweight woman. Ouch! I think we all want someone who is going to accept us for who we are, even at our heaviest. I also think guys want the same.

Susan - I have been casually dating someone for a little over a month and haven't told him. As of now I'm taking the road you mentioned - not telling unless we get more serious. Once things get physical it will be harder to keep a secret. Kind of hard to ignore the red scars on my belly. :)

apinksoprano · 11-12-2006, 10:00 AM

Hey Chrispy, great thread....A little about me I am a single 27 year old female from just north of Boston, Mass...I have had plenty of guys like me for me but I stopped dating by my choice...I am very lonely, yes, but I sabotage my relationships...I am miserable with myself and could not put anyone else through that, it is not fair...I never realized I did it in the past but I am well aware of it now and I am looking forward to helping myself getting healthier, looking better, and the confidence I need and deserve to have and going out and landing myself a great guy (as I know I could now) but I will be ready for a relationship....

BPM · 11-12-2006, 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrispygal

BPM - it's not a matter of being uncomfortable, just about the right timing.

:)

Semantics.

Fine...if the timing isn't right then don't tell them until it is.

Better?

chrispygal · 11-12-2006, 07:34 PM

Welcome pinksoprano! A local girl!

There have got to be some single bandster men out there. What are some issues you have dealt with, or future concerns?

apinksoprano · 11-12-2006, 07:52 PM

Yeah where are all of the single men out there...Gotta be some, hahahah....Well as far as personal experience in what I have dealt with in relationships has totally been my fault...I have always tend to date a needy type of guy that might not be the best catch for me and doesnt challenge me mostly becuase I dont think I can do any better..I mean I havet dated great guys but that defiantely were not for me, hence me being single....My future concerns are how hard it is for me to date a guy I could get butterflies with, or really challenge me, or someone that just plain excites me...That will be new for me...It will be interesting to see if my confidence changes and I finally start to feel like I deserve the guy I should have....Also, another thing that I dont want to happen is to resent men that maybe would not have dated me heavier, I want to just be open minded and realize that they like me now so that is all that matters but I am afriad how I have been my whole life (heavy) will just haunt me and that no guy will ever understand...

KristiB · 11-12-2006, 07:53 PM

My name is Kristi, obviously. I am 34, just banded on Nov. 1st. Live in Broken Arrow, OK. Our city was just voted the top 20th of the safest cities to live in. Yay!! Not dating. Just because no one is asking. And I don't think I would want a man who would refuse to look at the inner me, regardless of what the outer me looks like. That's the hard part. I am doing all of this to be healthy and happy and look good, but is that something I REALLY Really want in a partner? Geesh, I think I will just stay single, it's really much easier that way. Anyway, Chris, thanks for putting together this great thread.

Does anyone out there have a hard time not nibbling on the Kids' food? Made some chicken and baked some fries, and it is so hard to not eat some of it. (still on liquids). Although, and I never thought I would say this, I had some split pea soup today, oh my Goodness, how delicious!!!!!! After the pre op and post op liquid stages, just about anything seems great!!!

Okay, well, its nice to talk to you other singles out there!!!!

giveyouthemoon · 11-12-2006, 08:29 PM

I am single but dating someone. I hadn't dated anyone for about two years after ending a seven year relationship. Do I think I didn't date because I was 130 lbs overweight? Yes. But I don't blame it all on "them". I own my piece of it too. When I was so heavy I projected myself VERY differently. Was very down and not confident.

So as to the "I don't want to date someone who can't see the real me"....yes to some extent. Make sure YOU can see the real you too and hold your head high, look people in the eye and know you are as beautiful as anyone!!

I know heavy girls who date a TON because they are confident and outgoing and unstoppable.

I started dating this current guy when I had lost about 60 lbs and have lost almost 50 since we met. He was into me at 240 lbs, but I really do think a lot of that was because I FELT so darn good! I was SO happy and felt so light and was able to walk without wheezing and it made a difference in my outlook on life.

As for telling him....my rule was after we'd been physical, which took about a month (his timetable, NOT MINE! lol!!)

And I said to him...."you're probably wondering about my scars"....and he lay there and said "what scars??"

See? You don't even have to tell anyone once you get physical. Most guys won't notice, believe me!!!!

I'm glad someone posted this thread! We single gals gotta stick together!

NewSho · 11-12-2006, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by giveyouthemoon

And I said to him...."you're probably wondering about my scars"....and he lay there and said "what scars??"

See? You don't even have to tell anyone once you get physical. Most guys won't notice, believe me!!!!

That's great that it worked out for you, he sounds like a keeper.:)
But in reality a lot of men, especially men in their 20's and 30's are extremely observant(and some, critical) about womens bodies nowadays.:phanvan It's not the days of old where things were different, and men were just happy to get to see a naked female.
Now they see Pamela Anderson types on regular TV, cable, the internet, movies - and mens' perspectives about what is an acceptable female body has greatly changed. :paranoid
So I know most men nowadays will definitely notice even Lap scars (some will be kind enough not to mention it, some might be classy enough to pretend they didn't notice, but frankly some men are going to ask about them, period.) And depending on where/when they see the scars, the conversation can go a bunch of different ways.
Either way we single Bandsters (or those who were single back when they were banded but later found mates) have to be ready to face the inevitabilty of this discussion. I don't tell people (men or women) casually unless it's in the context of a Weight-Loss related conversation. Otherwise, people are told on a "need to know" basis.
Your mileage may vary.

bobby_hamrick · 11-13-2006, 01:27 AM

maybe i should post a soon to be single thread Here!!!

MissyC · 11-13-2006, 01:36 AM

Thanks to everyone for all the encouraging words. Its really nice to know that your not the only one out there dealing with these issues.
I have lived in the same area for many, many years. I have also been divorced for many many years. I have the same circle of friends I have always had, with the exception of 1 other single woman, all my friends are married. I feel insecure, envious and resentful at times. Its funny how they all tried to "fix me up", back when I was thinner and in my 30's.
Now, no one ever ever mentions it.
I feel like an old timey spinster relative sometimes.
And I want to scream.........Hey I'm alive and 45........not dead.
lol
Missy

harlito · 11-13-2006, 04:17 PM

I am a single bandster living in the Houston area. This topic has actually come up with my friends several times. I once felt that I didn't want to get in a relationship with another person with a weight problem. Why would an ex-junkie want to get involved with a current junkie? I don't know if I feel this way still but regrettably I think I still do. As this Lap Band journey gets going I may find myself changing this view but I can't be too sure. I am more than willing to do all I can for my friends or even a perfect stranger that needs to lose weight but I don't know if I could go beyond that into a personal and intimate relationship.
Someone mentioned that a person has to love themselves before they can truly love another. I completely agree with this and that is why I do not know for certain if the way I have been thinking will hold true later. I have not been happy with myself for so long. As the weight comes off I am becoming more and more confident and comfortable in my own skin. The things that mattered years ago mean next to nothing to me now. We shall see.
I hope all of us find happiness with our new selves and maybe even find another to share this happiness with. Best of luck to all my fellow single bandsters out there.