How NOT to let your relatives sabotage your success???

NancySmiles · 05-22-2005, 07:59 PM

At our last support group meeting, which I am co-leader of, several members had a common problem. So many of their relatives are making negative comments about their surgery...saying they "took the easy way out", "you'll just gain it back again", etc etc. I am sure we've all heard them.

What do I tell them? How do YOU deal with negative comments from yoru relatives and friends before and after surgery???

This negative energy can destroy our efforts if we let it....but how do we stop it??? I know it's all in the attitude...our attitude...but relatives and friends can be a powerful influence on us...both positively and negatively....

Need your ideas.....I am trying to help them/us through this.

Thanks!
Nancy*

j. lynn · 05-22-2005, 10:55 PM

I didn't tell anyone. Not their business. Not ONCE have I gotten the easy way out comment. Wouldn't matter if I did though -- I know how hard I am working at this. They don't.

NancySmiles · 05-23-2005, 11:37 AM

i agree totally.....like the doc always reminds us...it's just a "tool"...the rest is up to us!!! We still need to follow some sort of diet program, calories, etc.....

People who have never had a weight problem just DO NOT understand......

hagerteresa · 05-23-2005, 11:39 AM

I've told everyone I know, and haven't gotten that comment either. Most people I know are thin but do struggle to stay within their healthy parameters. They knew I struggled and supported me all the way thru surgery and beyond. They are all very happy with my progress. I don't always like it when they question me about my most recent loss if I haven't lost anything for weeks but they never do it out of meanness and it actually just reminds and inspires me to stay on track. If I did get a comment like your suggesting I would probably confront them and give them the what-for... Most people have some kind of bad habit they are eventually going to give up (hopefully) would they consider the use of stop smoking products to help them kick that habit??? Wouldn't that be the easy way? What about the 12 step program to quit drinking? I think the less people have to struggle to kick these horrible habits the better we all are. Best wishes, Teresa

NancySmiles · 05-23-2005, 11:46 AM

My family has been VERY supportive also....but I DO know several who are having a really hard time with theirs...like the ones at the support group....hence the reason for my question here.....

As I said.....if those people had a weight problem...they would know better than to say those things...

It's been our lifestyle all these years.....so the lap-band® is a tool for our new lifestyle....

Road Queen · 05-23-2005, 12:21 PM

One individual, who has struggled with weight over the years and continues to, asked me why I didn't just do it on my own. I just responded that is what her and I have been trying to do for years and have been only mildly successful. And that the extreme changes is getting harder on my body as I age...

aileena · 05-23-2005, 01:29 PM

I've struggled my whole life with weightloss. Everyone (except my mom, and she's as supportive as a pesimistic person can be) has been really supportive.

You know, it's not that we took the easy way out, the easy way would be to do nothing, we still suffer with our own personal eating issues and have to work around those. It's that we decided that enough was enough and we were going to take charge of something that we couldn't do by ourselves. It's a final decision to loss weight and have something there to keep us from eating a whole pizza...even when we really want to.

I feel so thankful
I'm ready...

Marimaru · 05-23-2005, 02:22 PM

I've only had one person say something like this to me. Her comment was "Isn't that kind of like cheating?" I said to her "Not really, but even if it was, who cares?"

The people who are going to say things like this aren't informed, and really don't have any desire to BE informed, so in my opinion, trying to educate them is a waste of time. Obviously this is a blanket statement and there are going to be exceptions, but I think it's true for the most part. One of my friends flipped when I told him I was going to be banded. "I know two people who've died from that, you are going to have all sorts of problems etc" I tried to explain the difference between the band and the bypass and here 10 months later he still doesn't get it.

I think that I would tell your group to tell their family that either a) if the way out is easy (even though it's not) WHO CARES because it's A WAY OUT where there wasn't one before that was feasable or b) If you don't want to be supportive, that's fine, but please just don't say anything.

That's what I would do :)

Road Queen · 05-23-2005, 02:40 PM

I forgot to mention before how I explain the procedure:

As everyone knows, I have been successful at losing before but have never lost enough or been able to maintain. This band is a tool that works like this:

I will be starting on a severelly restricted diet post op (to help me heal) and move to less restricted one. This will be a motivator for me to continue losing. When there comes a time when my motivation is diminishing, I will get saline injected into the tool. The fill will restrict my capacity to eat and the type of food I eat will change and help to remotivate me. This may happen several times though the process. After I finish losing, when I start gaining, I can get another fill to get me back on track.

This description lets them know I have responsibilities in this while have a tool to assist me on the track to good health.

I wish I had thought of this when I first started telling people about it. Since I've used this description, all comments have been positive (and I've told alot of people).

**Jack** · 05-23-2005, 02:45 PM

[rant on]
first....who cares WHAT they say?....

second : 'if it's so easy, why isn't EVERYONE doing it?'
and 'if it's so easy, why aren't YOU doing it?'....(if they are MO)...

third; how are THEY the expert when your doctor, your psychologist, your cardiologist, your internist, your surgeon, your nurses and the receptionist of every clinic you've been in for the past 30 years thinks this is a good idea?

fourth: if THEY were such experts why aren't THEY getting the big bucks putting THEIR opinion (which is another word for 'asshole masquerading as a mouth') out for THEIR patients to benefit from...in other words, where is THEIR license to dispense such wisdom???

fifth: re: 'gain it back'....yes, if we did it THEIR way we would....so take a hike for about 6 months and come back with your 'opinion' then and we'll talk....

[rant /off]

staramorcita · 05-23-2005, 04:10 PM

My take on this is:

1. Usually those comments come from people who don't have weight issues, or are "just" overweight (not to disparage anyone) but there are big differences from being 50 pds overweight to be morbidly obese.

2. They're not informed about the LAP-BAND® and how un-invasive and relatively safe it is and it's been around for decades just not in US. And it's all relative. LOL!!

3. If it was so easy why is the US in the midst of an obesity epidemic? And why is it the new #1 preventable killer in the US?

4. Two choices: Die from WLS (almost non-existent with band) or let my weight do it for me. They don't seem to get that being "morbidly obese" is a life-threatening disease.

5. They don't realize that the real challenge is KEEPING IT OFF!! And the band is the tool that helps you do that. They don't know what it is to fight against your body and genetic disposition.

I'm telling people openly and those that see it as "cheating", OH WELL!! The only one who really think of it as cheating are perfectionists and probably feel that way about a lot of things. Good luck to them!!

Roxanne

aussie_jode · 05-23-2005, 07:38 PM

I have just spent nearly 4 mths living with SIL who is as big as I was when I started. Secretly I think she wants it but other SIL who is even bigger turns up her nose at me. 1st SIL says I'll just see how you go - what more does she want to see?? A year ago I was the same size as her and now I am a relatively normal size. SHe has seen how I can still eat just about anything - and in fact became a problem sabotaging me, but still wants to wait and see. 2nd SIL says "how can anybody do such a thing!?!"(though hasn't said it to my face, only to plenty of others). I know she is jealous of my outcomes.
I say to them both and anyone else who complains - whos better off, you or me? I have done what I needed to do to be happy, healthy and a better parent for my kids, what about you?

These are the first two to have 'negative' input to my plan of action, but I am still moving forward and that is what counts.

Eileenja · 05-23-2005, 07:48 PM

As far as I am concerned people who say those types are nuts! Like you say, it is a tool to help us loose weight. I did it to save my life - who cares if people think I took the easy way out.

P.S. I told almost no one about my surgery - I feel like it is my private business and only those close to me know. That's all that matters!

Good Luck
Eileen

Zoe · 05-23-2005, 11:14 PM

When I hear "sabotage," I don't think of people who trivialize or dismiss weightloss surgery, I think of people who try to undermine our efforts to lose weight by waving before us high-calorie goodies in mass quantities. Both can be damaging -- if you let them.

I've been lucky in that my family and friends who know about the band are totally supportive. However, there's one dear person in my life who doesn't quite get it: my mother. She spent all of my childhood and young adult years taking me around to quack diet doctors and trying everything she could to get me to lose weight. Well, we know how well that worked (see stats below). Anyway, about 10 years ago she had a crisis of conscience and decided my body was my business and I could eat what I wanted. She also started putting on a lot of weight herself.

When I visit my mother now -- she's in her mid-70s, in good health although obese -- she still gives me enormous portions and encourages me to eat sweets. Fortunately she does take no for an answer, but it's not easy. I feel like Gretel in the gingerbread house.

aussie_jode · 05-24-2005, 06:43 AM

Zoe, i can totally relate to what you are saying...I am back here because my will to choose got smothered whilst living with SIL over past few months. My family are generally healthy eaters by choice - fruit and vegies have always played a major role in our meals. however, in SIL house there was limited f&V,
it was NEVER served to chn unfried - hence only potato was served and always fried. Fruit was a choice not a requirement for chn. Meat was always fried or roasted with heaps of fat. All this took its toll on me. I helped to cook almost everynight, but after a month of her family refusing(all be it politely) to eat my cooking because of the vegies in it I just gave up. I fell into the trap and am now crawling out. Unfortunately, my kids were also involved, and are now expecting sweets every night (even my one year old). They are now in much healthier routines again and we have our constant supply of f&v. In fact when we were able to move into our own place the chn and hubby were given the healthiest meals I could muster, but me, craving the sweets would succumb when no one was looking. Too much chocolate, ice cream, smoothies etc at the other place. I have informed hubby of my actions and now you guys.
This is the end of the sabotage!!!! :devious :devious :devious

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