How to deal with non-supportive people?

08-10-2005, 11:23 AM

Hi, I new here and just need some advice. I'm 27 yrs old, 340 pounds and am very very interested in the LAP-BAND® surgery. I have done a lot of research these pass couple of months and the more I read about it, the more I want it done. The thing is I will have no support I will be going through with this alone. Sad isn't it? See my husband and my dad dont want me to go through with it and are trying to convince me not to. My husband even threaten to leave me if I do it. Yesterday I lied to him and said that I had made an appointment to see a surgeon and he flipped! said that he was gonna leave and all night didnt hold me in bed like he usually does. Even took him a while to fall asleep. I ignored him turned over and fell asleep. It was a big arguement. He says that I am taking the easy way out. which I agree beacuse I really havent dieted and the longest i've been on a diet is like 2 or 3 months and I give up. But I really want this. I am very unhappy with myself and my body. What should I do? I know I can convince my dad but my husband, thats a different story. I have no other family to be supportive of me they are the only two I have in my life. Any advice would be very appreciated.

kellymoos · 08-10-2005, 11:30 AM

Ask him to go with you and make sure he understands, that if something goes wrong that this surgery is totally reversible and the band can be taken out. I would try as hard as I could to convince him to go with you to the consultation, he would understand more about it. Tell him that if you continue the road you are on you could possibly have other diseases due to you being obese. ex...diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea.....etc.

Good Luck to you, and if they don't support you remember, you have us!!!!!!!!!

ReneBean · 08-10-2005, 11:41 AM

You'll have to think about why he doens't support you.

It could be he is afraid that you will get skinny and leave him. (low self-esteem on his part). You can work on that by stressing that the surgery is about your Health - not beauty. Lavish him with attention and tell him how much you need him and want him with you all the way. If he knows that you love him and want to stay with him, he may loosen up a little.

It could also be a control issue - if you have the surgery, you will be independent of him in regard to controlling your weight. The Band will be in control. If its a control thing - you won't be able to make him feel any better and he will never support you. Of course, if it's a control thing, that isn't good, overall.

Change is scary. Hopefully, he is just afraid. Try lavishing him with attention and love for a bit and see if it gets any better.

We're all thinking good thoughts.

vinesqueen · 08-10-2005, 11:52 AM

oh good, emotional blackmail. You deserve better. The next time he threatens you think about calling his bluff. Or if it isn't a bluff, do you want to be with a man who doesn't value your health? Can you emotionally afford to be with someone that doesn't value your health.

First off, this is not 'THE EASY WAY OUT." This is major surgery. This is drastic. This is serious stuff. The Band is hard work. Not magic. Long and hard work ahead. Not only will you be changing the way you eat, but you will be doing a lot of hard work by really examining what got you to almost 400 pounds in the first place. This can be very scary.

Many people consider being fat a sin or perhaps worse, a personal failing. If only we were stronger people we wouldn't be so weak. Yeah, I know, it makes no sense. Let me bump a thread for you about this topic.

Change is difficult. Difficult for the one changing, but possibly more difficult for those around us who are not, who do not what things to change.

Anwyn · 08-10-2005, 01:00 PM

I couldn't agree more with Vinesqueen - this isn't an easy way out at all. Yes, it's a tool that will help but all of the work will be on you. You deserve to be heard out, and at the very least he can go to a consultation with you. You may find this isn't for you anyway, but you have every right to research your options.

What do you think his issues are? Is he worried about you having surgery or is he thinking of how this will affect him? Because IMHO there's a big difference between the two. You need to do everything you can do to educate him about the procedure and put his mind at rest if he's simply worried about your safety. If he's only thinking of himself, then this is his issue to work out. Just remember - you have a God given right to be happy and healthy!

MollyMolly · 08-10-2005, 01:19 PM

Amen sisters! You've got the right to get healthy, and you need to do what you need to do. It's clear he's got some issues of his own to work out. I know my husband had initial concerns and when I sat down and asked him to ask all the questions he had and voice all his concerns, it really helped. I managed to soothe his concerns on all but one point: "what if it doesn't work?" -- his fear that another failure will drive me to deep depression and that I'll give up entirely on getting healthy.

So I recommend having a heart to heart with your husband. And maybe bring him to the surgeon consult or to a LAP-BAND® seminar to grill the surgeon on any concerns he may have.

Good luck!
-Renee

Thinjen · 08-10-2005, 01:32 PM

If you needed a kidney transplant in order to live...would he support you? If you needed heart bypass surgery to live....would he support you. I recently came out of the land of denial that this weight thing is not simply cosmetic. This is life and death...just like a kidney transplant and just like heart bypass. You really need to examine your relationship with him. Have a long talk and see exactly why he is so against it. I agree, this is not the easy way out. I don't have my band yet...but I know that this is a major surgery. How could anybody say that subjecting ourselves to a major surgery is the easy way out? Some men have a warped perception that as long as their wives are fat...nobody else would want them. This could be why he wants you to stay big...if so, this is a problem with his self-esteem. You have to let him know that you are in it for the long haul, and that time together will be longer if you are healthier. As far as support, many of us that are doing this have chosen not to disclose this to anyone. I've told my husband, but that is it. My husband is very supportive. However, I also come here for support. It's a wonderful forum...full of honesty and people who have been through it. It's time for you to be good to you. When you are good to you, there is a better you to share with others.

08-10-2005, 01:38 PM

Wow thanks for all the great advice! We have discuss this numerous of times and I just cant seem to change his mind. I have even tried to get him to go to a seminar with me and still nothing. yesterday was the biggest arguement we had when I lied about the appointment. I only lied just to see what he would say. He says he is concerned about the surgery and says "what if it doesnt work" and "what if something goes wrong" I told him everything that I have learned with my researches and still cant get him to change his mind. I do think its a control thing like Renebean says or it just might be that he thinks I might leave him if I lose weight. I dont know what his problem is but I will keep trying and I will make an consultation appointment. Weather he comes with me or not I will be thinking about my health only, By the way did I mention that I already have diabetes and high blood pressure. Thats the more I want to do it. Thank you for giving me some great advice ppl!
God bless you!

mercedes · 08-10-2005, 04:57 PM

Hi HL.
It was sort of like that for me too. I heard about lap bands the last of June. When I read about it, I knew that this was the answer to all of my prayers. I had wished for years and years that somebody would invent something like this. The more I read and researched it, the better I felt. I told my husband about it and his initial reaction was to poo poo it. I told him (with my most serious face) that I was serious about this.
I told him to look into it himself and let me know what problems he saw with it (He is an MD). He did so and came back with the opinion that It was a very simple, non invasive procedure. He thought it was similar to tubal ligations.
At one point he sort of hesitated again. I told him he was not my friend in this then.
I told him how people go out and get boob jobs and lipo and all sorts of elective surgeries that were far more dangerous. I told him that if I had to, I would sell my horses(which I dearly love) and horse trailer and would do it without his blessing. He wrote me a very sweet letter and he agreed that he had no good reason to appose it. I promised him that I would pay back every penny to him.
I called and made the soonest appt. for the best MD I could find (Dr Ortiz in mexico).
So I heard about it the end of June and had my surgery Aug.5th and I'd do it again in a minute.
There are reasons why MD's in the States choose bypass over LAP-BAND®, but none I've heard are very good. I predict that this is going to be the BIG thing here soon too. Sometimes the FDA and things make simple things so difficult.
It works well. Its a very effective tool to help in weightloss. It's not an "easy way" out! For people like me, it was the only way. I had tried everything else.
If your husband says that it's the easy way out, ask him "Why then, would anybody prefer to take a harder way?" Why does he want things to be hard for you? Doesn't he love you? Life is hard enough without deliberately choosing a harder road for no good reason. If you/me could have lost this on our own, we'd have done it by now.
It's not like it's a sin or wrong or illegal!!

mercedes · 08-10-2005, 04:59 PM

Ooops! Lots of spelling errors! Forgive please : )

Marimaru · 08-10-2005, 05:09 PM

"Way out."

Who cares what KIND of way out it is, it's a way out! I'm 23, and I can honestly say I probably have done 'every diet known to man' like so many of the other people on the boards, but if I know in my heart that the diets I DID try didn't work, and most diets are pretty close to the same anyway, why would any of the other ones work for me when they failed so many others? This surgery was an option for me to do SOMETHING when I was doing NOTHING.

I'm going to be blunt and say that if your husband says he's going to leave you for this, and he's not bluffing, he was going to leave you for something anyway. I'm not trying to say that your marriage is over by anymeans, the only details of it know are what you've written here, but I'm sure you get the jest of what I'm saying. Someone can be not-supportive, kind of neutral, without being unsupportive... if that makes any kind of sense.

I'm glad you made your appointment. Maybe when he really sees that you are REALLY serious, he'll listen to you a little more?

lovecats85 · 08-10-2005, 06:11 PM

I wish I could find the thread I posted a few months back when I sounded just like you! My answer is simply just "screw em." I went thru it to and felt really sad and now I could care less! It's my body and I'm doing what I want with it! My hubby was concerned that it was a way out too but now he seems to realize that I NEED a way out of this fat, unhealthy body! There are HUNDREDS of people on this website alone that think a band is the "right way" to lose weight! I am one of them and I am SO over critizism and I'm SO ready to start losing weight! Blow off the negative people and jump on the bandwagon with me and all the others who KNOW exactly how you feel - something your dad and hubby will probably NEVER understand. Give up on wishing he would understand and just tell him you don't expect him to understand or approve but as your husband you expect him to support no matter what and if he can't do that he ain't worth it!

08-11-2005, 02:33 PM

Hey People,

Thanks for all the support and advice. Last night I had a heart to heart talk with my husband and we worked out a deal. Here it is...he agreed to be 100% supportive if I get on a "REAL" diet for 6 months. So I asked if WHATS A REAL DIET? LOL He says eating healthy foods....hmmmm (I do that already). Anyway, I agreed to get on a strict diet for 6 months and if I didnt see results I was gonna do this with or without him. Mind you I only agreed to this because I really want and need his support. So lets see what happens. Thanks you guys all the good advice. I was reading a couple of threads you guys are so inspiring. Good luck in your journey and god bless.

ReneBean · 08-11-2005, 02:57 PM

Have you tried "Real Diets" before? If you haven't - then by all means try. But, I suspect that you probably have - on numerous occasions - if you're anything like the rest of us.

So, what happens if you lose 30-40-60 pounds in the next 6 mos? Are you going to gut it out and keep trying on your own? Are you going to get the surgery?

And will your spouse support you if you decide to get the surgery? Or will he just use that as proof that you can do it on your own?

And what if you Don't lose weight? Will he say that you just didn't try and make another DEAL?

I am sad to say that it is sounding more and more like emotional blackmail/control issues to me.

Take it from a really big 40 yr old girl - there ain't no 'easy way' and dieting without help is HELL. I take it the spousal unit is not large? If he was, he would know this. If he isn't - then there is NO WAY he can understand.

I think you should think long and hard - and ask the questions about what will happen after 6 mos.

If you ARE going to cut a deal - do it right. Determine that after 6 mos, you may elect to get the surgery to continue with your success - or you may not - but he must support you in whatever decision you make.

Just my 2 cents. I know I have tried Real Diets all my life - and I hate to see you waste a lot of time that you could be enjoying life as a thinner, healthier person. I
WISH there had been a Lap-Band® option when I was 27.

One last unhappy thought - sometimes it is the people who love us the most, that do us the most damage.

I hope, I REALLY HOPE, that you have every success in whatever decision you make.

BeckyinTexas · 08-11-2005, 03:33 PM

Kiddo, I don't know you from Adam but I'm gonna give you my 2 cents anyway. Don't let your husband get by with what I call blackmailing you! And what the heck is a "real diet"? If I could go on a "real diet" I would have and something tells me you would have to. We didn't get to the weights we are without a reason....mine is "real diets" don't work for me. Oh sure, they work for a while and I lost weight but I always gained it all back and then some. I've had my band now for 3 months and let me tell you...it's the best thing I ever did for MYSELF in my whole life! My boyfriend was dead set on me not doing it but I knew that this was what I had to do to literally save my life so I did it. He's since decided he best get on board with me and has. At your age and your weight, this would be the best thing you could do for YOURSELF! As far as having no support, kiddo, you have found the best place in the world for that....right here!

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