Feelings of stupidity and anger at myself

diva · 07-25-2006, 05:06 PM

I'm finally being banded on August 4th. Yes, I am excited and anxious and scared. But as the time grows closer I get more and more angry at myself.
I am 52. I was always chubby but reallys started to gain in college. I know in my heart I have tried and tried from Atkins, Weight Watchers, pills, shakes, soups, injections, fasting and every diet in between yet I am angry for letting myself get so freakin fat.
I did it, I ate the food, I reveled in going out to dinner, cooking for friends, trying different tastes. Why oh why didn't I get control when all I had to lose was a lousy 15 or 20 pounds???? My life would have been so different. I just know it. Maybe I would have married earlier, had kids, made more money. I dunno. I know weight doesn't equal happiness. I know if I was thin I still wouldnt be guaranteed kids and money.
But yet... as I choked down that disgusting barium, as I lie to my Mother about only seeing a nutrionist, as prepare to put a foreign object in my body and go into surgery I feel I am the biggest jackass for having to resort to this emergency tactic.
I don't have a problem with using a tool to lose weight. I don't consider it an easy way out, it is me that I have a problem with.
In addition I know there are people in our country and lots of others who are starving. And I have the audactiy to have surgery to lose weight and not be able to eat as much! I feel incredibly guilty and very selfish.
And I feel incredibly dissapointed in myself. I've wasted so many years.
Thank you for listening as I rand and rave, this list means a lot to me.
I am really down about this.

lisah25 · 07-25-2006, 05:08 PM

I've had a lot of the same feelings. There are people starving and I'm paying $17,000 of our money because I can't loose weight on my own. I don't really have much advice to offer, just wanted to let you know you're not the only one feeling this way.

**Elisabethsew** · 07-25-2006, 05:12 PM

Some of the best advice I ever got was, "Learn to forgive yourself and move forward." You can't repeat or change history but you certainly can make an impact in the future. Consider your band date as the "rebirth" of you and make you're mark on the world.

unclmdtrsure · 07-25-2006, 05:36 PM

Hey all,

Diva, I am also being banded on the 4th of Aug. I have the same feelings as you. It is obviously normal. I am trying to look at it in a positive way. I am a single mother of a 1 yr old. I want to be able to run and play with him and not have to worry about the impending consequences my over-eating will have on him if I don't get my weight issue under control. I also have high blood pressure at 35 which is really bad. Try to think of it as something you are doing for the people that love you the most. Get rid of the guilt for it will only make things worse! Everyone has choices in life and all of the people on this site have made the right one in doing something about their unhealthy lifestyle. I thank God that I am able to really do something about it even though I will be in debt because of it. Let's stay in touch during the liquid week prior....NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT 7 DAYS AT ALL!

NancyRN · 07-25-2006, 09:54 PM

Diva,

I was so touched by your post. I too have felt this way -- a lot of regret about what I've missed out on in life. Here are some ways to counter that feeling of being fat and stupid that helped me. I hope they might comfort you, too.

1. We've been brainwashed to believe that all we have to do to lose weight is to control our eating behavior. But, 95% of people who lose weight gain it all back. Why? Because obesity actually results from 3 things: genetics (which predispose us to gain weight), environment (all the junk food around us, etc.), and behavior (eating and exercise).

When we gain weight, our hormone balance really gets out of whack. Many of us are always hungry. Why? Because fat people have an excess of the hormone that tells us we're hungry and a deficiency of the hormone that tells us we're full. And, the more a person loses weight, the more the body hangs on to every calorie that comes in.

This information helped me understand that there were valid reasons why I'm obese. I can control only some of the factors that contribute to my obesity. That helped me feel less guilty about "doing it to myself".

2. I've always being hard on myself. A wise friend taught me this saying: "If I could have done better, I would have done better. Now that I know better, I'll do better." When I start beating myself up, I say this to myself and it really helps. It reminds me to treat myself with compassion.

So much of our healing from obesity is more than just physical. We need to heal our spirits and souls, too.

mousecrazy · 07-25-2006, 10:19 PM

I think it's great that you got that all out there, and can face it...that's really healthy. Dwelling on it isn't, you know?
That's why a lot of us call our one year date our "bandiversary". It is a very special day for us, a day that we CHOSE to make a new start in our lives. I hope it will be this way for you, and that you will have a great bandster journey! Come here often, and you'll make great friends who will help you get through and thrive during this year ahead! And beyond....it's a great life!
Cindy

beachgirl · 07-25-2006, 10:34 PM

Well, for one thing I don't think you should keep beating yourself up over this. I too had to self pay and I hated draining our savings for something I caused but you just have to go on. You CAN'T live in the past. You need to do this and you will loose and that alone will save you thousands of dollars in healthcare that you would have had to pay for stuff going wrong because of your weigh issues. You will also be shocked at how much money you will save in food. I can't believe the difference in cokes alone. LOL

It is a lot of money but when you compare it to your life it's nothing. New car maybe, they tear up, new garage, they get all cluttered up, nothing can compare.

Forgive yourself and move on,
You owe that to yourself,

diva · 07-25-2006, 11:30 PM

You all will never know how much your words of encouragement mean to me. I really have noone else to turn to. My DH is the only one who knows except for my fellow wls peers at the hospital. This is my choice but it is lonely. It is hard letting go of "what ifs" "If only"
I am working at it.

3loves · 07-25-2006, 11:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by diva

I don't have a problem with using a tool to lose weight. I don't consider it an easy way out, it is me that I have a problem with.

I wanted to quote you on this b/c I think it's important to point out that this will not go away with the band. The band does not fix the emotions and feelings we have inside. Yes, it does help with the physical hunger, but it's still up to you to work on "YOU".

There have been some wonderful words of wisdom shared here and I think you realize your not alone. We have all been there or going to be at the place you are now. Be strong and realize you DESERVE this!!!

BTW, I would have to tell my mom b/c she would KILL me if I had scheduled surgery without telling her. Perhaps you should give some thought to telling your mom. Maybe that would ease the loneliness.

giveyouthemoon · 07-26-2006, 05:20 PM

Diva - I had those same feelings prior to being banded. It was the hardest time for me..... I was SO down on myself.

But you know what? Having the band now for just over a year...I realize something. You know what? I *couldn't* do it on my own. I am a very strong willed woman but I needed help. I needed intervention. I needed a "hard stop" on my eating. And Trink (my band) has given me this.

So I hope you find that same realization. I think the feelings that you are having are part of the journey. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to be able to pick yourself up.

Girl, we are here for you!!! We are your support!!!! I personally vouch for you...you are going to do great. In fact, I'd worry about someone who DIDN'T have these kind of feelings prior to a surgery like this. It's self abusive stuff but best to get it out now.

Girl, your life is about to change. A lot. A LOOOOT. Yay!

:)

diva · 07-26-2006, 07:34 PM

ok so now I am crying. But crying because there are really people out there who know what I am feeling-that you all are all over the globe but you understand how I am feeling.
I do deserve this- heck I'm only 51 1/2 (birthday is in August-both birthdays the 4th for my band and the 28th for me) so I still have some years to have fun.
I want to take my niece to Disney World and fit into the seat rides. I want to wear nicer shoes than my easy spirit sneakers. I want to walk all over Italy and not be winded. I want the focus to be on me not on my butt. I want to be under a size 16 which I haven't seen in 20 years.
:

:
I am getting there I think. I guess I am not a person who can "let go" very easily.
It seems like both a long time and a short time since I started this whole journey.
Thank you all very much from the bottom of my heart.

**Jack** · 07-26-2006, 08:12 PM

re: "it is me that I have a problem with"....

[chuckle at myself being outed on line like this]

'If we are not for ourselves....

...........who will be?

If we are only for ourselves.....

............what are we?

If not now......when?"

diva · 07-26-2006, 08:34 PM

Hi Jack,
I always enjoy your posts. Thank you for answering this one.
BTW "if not now when"?
That would Friday August 4th 6:30 am security check with a 7:30 ETD, one hour flight to la la land and then hopefully a smooth landing into gas pain town. :-)

diva · 07-26-2006, 08:36 PM

um I meant EDT (Estimated Departure Time). So much for being witty in the face of nervousness.

mousecrazy · 07-26-2006, 09:29 PM

Hey, Diva...nice show of your obviously well-developed sense of humor! Let's see that more often! LOL!
Something else I wanted to share with you, and of course it is your choice totally, is just that I had great success telling other people about my LAP-BAND^® surgery, and got great support. Everyone's situation is different, but I have found that if I am able to let go of the "shame" aspect, move forward and ahead with my head held high and proud of my decision, I get that same kind of respect back.
It's just something for you to ponder, instead of worrying about all that other stuff we're gonna help you with anyway! Believe me, we've got your back, girl! NO need to feel alone.
Cindy