Food was my "best friend" and companion since age 11 (those painful years of puberty and learning where we fit in the big wide world...) and as I prepare for banding I feel almost a sense of sadness that I will be saying goodbye to food as I had known it. Food was my "lover" - always available, there to comfort and entertain me, favorite textures and flavors were seductively delightful, and recipes and cooking was fun and creative. The problem was, I was "in love" with food in the same way as sometimes I found myself in love with men - with abandon and lack of restraint - absolutely unwilling to see how my lover" was hurting me in ways I didn't want to acknowledge - leaving "my lover" (dieting) "for good this time!" and then returning over and over for more abuse. Can anyone relate to this? Now as I get ready to say "farewell my lover" to that relationship with food, I feel a bit of sadness over that "relationship" that was so damaging, a glimmer of grief that my "love" had harmed me so and I had allowed it to happen. :think Maybe I'm just grieving the lost years stuck in that one-way relationship with food?
Has anyone else experienced this? I long for my "new life" as a bandster, learning to put food in it's rightful place in my life (i.e. nourishment for the body - not the soul)...... yet there is a sadness to the letting go as well, like leaving a partner who has hurt and wounded you. I read that some people feel depressed after banding and I guess that maybe I'm having a bit of "pre-banding" depression. Hopefully after surgery I won't go through that depression.
Maybe after banding, when my self esteem finally starts to climb, I'll actually be open to receiving love and comfort from -- gasp - HUMANS (what a risk!) and life as I have known it will really change. Or am I expecting too much? See this smiley icon >>> this is how I want to feel after banding and saying goodbye to my dysfunctional relationship with food: :clap2::clap2:
Wow, you know I had come to the conclusion that food did fill a void for me in the past and it is the one thing in my life that has always been there for me but I had not thought of it this way until now. I like the comparison of the abusive relationship that we keep going back to, that really says a lot. As you saw in my post, I'm starting the preop on Monday and I too have been having a lot of mixed feelings. When do you start yours? It is nice to know that I am not alone going through this. I have always felt like not too many people understand my issues with food so that is something I really like about this board. Good luck to you.
Well said Holly.
Food was always there for me. It never laughed at me. It never whispered behind my back. It never pointed at me or looked at me with loathing. It never said you don't really need to eat me. It was there for me when I was sad. There for me when I was happy. It never told me I needed to diet. It never cared what I looked like. It is worse than loosing a best friend.
I was banded in march. I lost 30 pounds my first month but nothing since then. At first I was delighted. 30 pounds. Wonderful. Now I am frustrated. No weight loss since april. I want my best friend back but not really. I am torn. I need to leave old ideas behind. Embrace new ways of life but I'm not sure I know how to. What do I do without my old standbys? What do I turn to now? I think I truly feel lost and alone.
__________________ always shoot for the moon, the worst you'll do is fall among the stars banded 3/15/07 313 lbs/280/150 6.75cc in a 10cc band
Holly, I think you've expressed the way many of us feel about our dysfunctional relationship with food. I turned 50 and started my pre-op diet on Thursday and the combination had me in a serious funk for several days before. Regreting that I've let it come to this, etc. But I'm now trying to put all that thinking behind me and move on to this next stage of my life. I do really regret all the time I've spent in my love/hate relationship with food and what it has done to me physically and emotionally. Regret, however is a waste of energy because there is nothing I can do now to take it back. We are fortunate that we have this chance to start fresh. I know I am going to miss eating the way I have most of my life, but the food never did fix anything. I turned to it when I was happy, sad, angry, afraid, tired, lonely, bored. It was always a fast pleasureable fix, but like any addiction, it doesn't really help any of those emotions and creates a whole new set of problems. We simply have to learn a new way of thinking about food and its purpose in our lives. I'm really hopeful that the band will be a tool toward that goal. I'm scared and excited about the future. I know I can do this and so can you.
Robin, you've gotten off to a great start. Don't get discouraged now. Try spending more time on this forum. It sounds like you need support and encouragement. I know from years of yo-yo dieting how difficult it is to stay strong, determined, and focused on the long term goal. You can do it though. Your band is there to help. Keep reading and posting and asking questions. Don't sabotage yourself. We all understand and are in this together.
Wow great responses everyone, thanks so much for keeping this thread going. I think the emotional attachment to food is what can make-or-break you after banding, in terms of success or failure. What kept coming to my mind was the way I used to bravely say "goodbye" to junk food and bad habits "for GOOD!" with every diet, and then when I couldn't hang on and began to slip up, the cycle of humiliation in crawling back to food in shame for the comfort I craved, followed by isolation because I felt like a failure yet again. Anyone else been there? I can predict that same pattern possibly repeated itself after banding, if I let it.
I plan to get some counseling after banding (maybe before too) to deal with the emotional issues. I'll be damned if I'm gonna accept the risk and expense of banding only to sneak around with chocolate shakes, and become discouraged, ashamed and isolated again.
I plan to stay on this board and connect with other bandsters, attend my support groups, and seek out my fills when I need them. I hope others who are struggling with letting go of the emotional attachment to food - will turn here. Keep posting, it comforts others.
Obesity used to be primarily a self esteem struggle for me; I worked hard at accepting myself and loving myself only to find that after I turned 50 I was on 2 blood pressure meds, had high cholesterol, depression, osteoarthritis, urinary incontinence, asthma, etc. So it's not about loving myself or self esteem anymore - this weight is going to shorten my life, and make what's left of it miserable.
I took a bunch of savings last year and went on a single's tour of Greece because I decided that the problem wasn't ME, it was American culture and obsession with thinness. - I knew I'd be accepted there in Europe, etc. and would have a great time. Well guess what? My favorite quote kept coming to mind: "no matter where you go, there you are!" I was huffing and puffing trying to climb the steps of the Acropolis, I was spilling my bulk all over the poor passenger next to me on the 12 hour plane flight, I had terrible heartburn every night, my knees and joints were killing me on the long walks and tours, it was humid and I was sweating through my expensive Clinique foundation, while others jumped and frolicked in the Aegean Sea and got massages on the beach, I was trying to hide my fat thighs with my bathing suit coverup and hope nobody noticed me. Was I accepted (even desired?) in Greece by all the men? No, none of them even glanced my way and I have a pretty face like most of us ladies!
I'M DONE! No more "love myself" & "find myself" in a foreign country because I blamed American culture for my problems, etc. This is MY journey now, and damn it all -- I'm ready to go to war! Bring it on baby! I WILL succeed and SO CAN YOU!
You have a twin here on the East Coast and it is me. We have the same feelings, the same health problems, and the same goals. Unlike you though I turned down a trip to Spain and England this Spring because of my weight and osteoarthritis. I really admire you going to Greece and seeing the world. My weight is holding me back from so much of life right now. I really am becoming housebound. My friends have to beg me to do things with them. I say no because I don't know if I will fit in the chairs. I refuse to fly anywhere because I just don't fit and would need two plane seats. I am going on vacation soon but just dread seeing my family members. But the good news is that I have not given up Hope. I have been approved for Lap Band surgery and will be scheduled soon. I have made a promise to myself to follow the preop and postop diet to a T as prescribed by my surgeon and dietician. I am looking forward to a new life, a new beginning, and some freedom from this insidious disease. Feel free to write to me for support and friendship as I am a good listener, etc. This is a wonderful website to learn, to meet new friends, and to vent and share your concerns.
Take care and talk to you soon.:ranger:
__________________
Band Date 8/27/07
Highest Weight - 397 8/4/07
Start Weight - 387 8/14/07
Current Weight - 255
- Minus 142 pounds!
Dear Holly 
Linear Mode
