Divorce After Weight Loss

kmb0426 · 02-20-2008, 04:06 PM

Hi my name is Kelly... I'm 23 and live in Louisville. I was banded on July 3rd, 2007 by Dr. Geller.

So far I've lost 61.8 pounds since my surgery and 87.8 from my highest. It is still difficult for me to believe that I weigh 227 now... And it's even harder not to cringe when people say, "Hi Skinny!"

I was still married when I was banded. My marriage of almost two years was already shaky before that (we were together almost five years)... but I just couldn't believe when he would eat horrible things around me, smoke around me... I had quit smoking one month before my surgery and he couldn't seem to stop blowing it in my face.

Question... has this affected anyone else's marriage in a negative way and brought serious problems to the forefront?

Unfortunately I feel now as though I was settling and had married him so young because I was afraid no one else would ever want to marry me....

heartfire · 02-20-2008, 04:27 PM

Hi Kelly.

It sounds like your marriage was already having problems. You are very young to have been married. Is your ex the same age? I can't speak from experience for several reasons but I know a lot of people who already had issues in their marriage and when they made a big life change, it either tanked the marriage or forced them to face facts and work on things if they wanted to save the marriage.

I read something yesterday on this site from a gentleman who said that if you have demons and have always covered them up by eating, this forces you to now deal with them and he advised counseling if needed. I think he's right. We tend to use food to hide things we don't want to deal with and once you can't eat the way you used to, you have to deal with it another way.

Some of the reasons that I can't speak from experience is that I got married at 19 and have now been married 20 years. DH and I have been through a lot but we always communicate about things and we think a lot alike so that helps. I was pretty thin when we got married. I've steadily gained weight over the last 20 years with lots of trying to lose times among the years. DH has always been supportive and tries to help. I've also not been banded. I'm just starting to look into the possibility of it and will be going to a seminar next month.

One of the things you said in your post made me really want to reply to you. Your statement about settling when you got married is what caught my eye. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20. At the time, you had your reasons for staying and getting married. Now, you are older and making huge changes in your life, it stands to reason that your thoughts then are not the same as now.

If your ex was not being supportive and was in fact trying to sabotage your efforts, he sounds very childish and those things were probably only the tip of the iceberg for you two.

I wouldn't blame your W/L, it was only the straw that broke the camel's back. [Sheesh! I'm just full of cliches today!]

I commend you on your W/L and wish you lots of luck and best wishes as you continue your life journey.

tyme4change · 02-20-2008, 11:40 PM

I understand how you feel, I married my husband not only because I loved him but because He loved me even though I was overweight. But we are two different people and sometimes i feel like I married him because I thought no one else would. I am scared and even he has admitted that once I lose the weight I my realize that I deserve better. But I pray that it doesn't happen because I truly love my husband and I hope we can work through our night and day differences. I think if you really want your marriage do everything ou can to work at it. That's what I'm going to do.

TerriDoodle · 02-21-2008, 05:40 AM

Hi -- I moved your thread thinking it was more appropriate for this area...and you'll probably get more responses from those that have been banded for some time, rather than in the Introduction section.

Best of luck to you!

Jennie1976 · 02-21-2008, 11:52 AM

Hi!

I know my husband worries about this. He met me (and we got married) when I was heavy. I didn't have a lot of dating experience beforehand, but I knew what I wanted. We have our problems, but I know we are strong enough for anything. And, a little jealousy from him does ME some good! :-)

bandster_1007 · 02-21-2008, 11:59 AM

i've been banded, but i've not lost a lot of weight yet, and my relationship seems to have gone to hell.

i like what someone said about dealing with the demons now that we can use food to shut them up.

a lot of my problem, i believe is me. i respond to things differently, and i'm just not feeling it. i think it is because i have been so preoccupied. but we don't have sex anymore..i just don't want to. when we do, soon after he says or does something that i think is stupid, so we are back to square one. also, i want to have more kids and he doesn't....so.l.

if i were losing a lot of weight, i could blame it on the wls, but the fact is, it was this way to begin with. i love my husband more than i have ever loved anyone, but sometimes you have to decide what love means that you are willing to put up with. not everyone is perfect and everyone is going to do things that piss you off or hurt you sometimes, but is that worth throwing everything away?

ok, so i think i just went on a rant preaching to myself. but, i have been having problems and i think it is coincidental that it comes after wls.

**Kat817** · 02-21-2008, 12:24 PM

Some of it is coincidental, and some of it has actual physical causes. Your body is going through so many changes, even if you are not losing tons of weight, chances are you have changed your eating habits, which changes how your body is working. When we eliminate a lot of our carbs we lower the seratonin in our body which is a natural mood elevator. When we lose fat, each fat cell has been holding on to estrogen, which is then dumped into our systems. It often leaves you feeling as though you are PMS'ing every day! And you cannot physically eat the way you would have before banding to cover the feelings, or hide from them....and if you even try to eat them away, then comes the guilt----we are here to lose weight!!! Sometimes it seems to feel as if it is a no win situation.

Yes you were young----and may have very well married in a worry that no one else may come along. Or to show the world that yes you are big, but someone wants you! And when you are very young it is hard to tell those feelings apart from what true love is. Especially if you have yet to experience true love!

We all love our family---but until you have a relationship that shows you what it means to love and be loved in return--as an adult---we don't know what it is!!! And many of us mistake lust, for love! We fall in love with the idea, of being in love. And it isn't just us--males do it too.
Your husband was probably scared that you would leave when you lost weight, so he covered that fear by pushing you on your way! That is not exclusive to Weight Loss either!!!

Immaturity+Insecurity=Disaster!

It would take both of you working hard, and seriously knowing you love one another and want to be married to make it work. Sskirting one another and wondering if you settled----if you wonder it, likely he did too....

Any changes in life bring on other changes and WLS is a change. One full of both emotional and physical changes. But it takes both of you to work a marriage through the rough spots.

Kat

zeama · 02-21-2008, 12:43 PM

I have been separated since Nov and I will be getting the Lap Band done as soon as I get my letter from Tricare and can schedule it. I am actually looking forward to losing the weight. My soon to be ex was a very verbally abusive person and my weight was just one more thing he used against me. He has a very low self esteem and seems to think the only way he can build himself up is by tearing me down. I look at him as the "first 185 pounds" I've lost!

Kelgirl68 · 02-21-2008, 02:42 PM

I too have a few demon thoughts in the back of my mind that I'm praying I won't let take over me when I lose all my weight!

Some background - I was heavy from I would say, age 8, until the summer going into my Sophomore year of high school. I dropped from 180 to 135 over that summer (see what boys do to you)! I did look good, it was a good weight for my 5'7" frame. I lived overseas at the time and I was surrounded by young military guys who loved to show a blonde hair/blue eyed girl alot of attention! I absolutely LOVED all the attention - what a difference from the earlier part of my life where I was teased all the time! I had fun while I was over there then we got sent back to the States.

I met my husband at our next base state side. I met him in 85 and we got married in 86 when I turned 18. We had a son 3 yrs after we got married and a daughter 2.5 yrs after that. I will be married for 22 yrs this year. I started to put the weight back on when I had the kids and it just never came off. As a matter of fact I just gained more. My husband has NEVER EVER said one word about my weight, he says he loves me no matter what and he doesn't care!! For that I'm very thankful cause it's been a uphill battle for me with my weight and self esteem without him adding to it. We do have a good marriage, ups and downs like any relationship but I do think it's pretty solid.

Phewww...ok, now to the point....I remember what it felt like when I lost weight before and how I liked the attention and a part of me really craves that again. I just hope that I don't step over the line at all because I do love my husband dearly and I don't want to jeoperdize what we have. I think that is in the back of his head too because of a couple of comments he's made over the years. I know in my heart I couldn't have anyone better than him, his momma trained him well (shhh..don't tell her I said that) and he loves me unconditionally!

Well, just thought I would throw my two cents in. Hopefully I'm not the only one like this out there!

Take care!

Kel

**Kat817** · 02-21-2008, 02:50 PM

Kel----maybe start throwing him a line now!!!! Let him know you loved that attention so he knows to give it to you! My man will do anything for me, but sometimes he does need directed---as do I!!!

Let him know he is YOUR choice, but to be on his arm and being ogled by other men is not a bad thing in your eyes! Let him know as the new you emerges, he can be free-er (even a word??) to treat you like a new you!

This can make your marriage incredible (I know!) or it could as you fear cause problems.

I always tell my kids this----so even though you are older than they are--I'll do my MAMA routine!!!

BE PROACTIVE----------NOT REACTIVE!!!!!

Work on it now, prepare it rather than working later to repair it!!
Good men (or women) are really hard to find, and I would hate to see yours hurt by you getting healthy and just wanting to be appreciated for something new!

Good Luck!
Kat

Kelgirl68 · 02-21-2008, 03:04 PM

Thanks for the great advise MAMA KAT!

He has always shown me affection but there is just something about it from someone you haven't been with for 24yrs total. I need to try to find a way to get the 'butterfly' feeling back with him!

I can say that losing weight certainly does help in the intamency department!!!! Funny the things you can do with a few pounds gone! LOL

I'll take your advise and work on it!

Thanks again!

Kel

OH Juli · 02-22-2008, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelgirl68

I too have a few demon thoughts in the back of my mind that I'm praying I won't let take over me when I lose all my weight!

Some background - I was heavy from I would say, age 8, until the summer going into my Sophomore year of high school. I dropped from 180 to 135 over that summer (see what boys do to you)! I did look good, it was a good weight for my 5'7" frame. I lived overseas at the time and I was surrounded by young military guys who loved to show a blonde hair/blue eyed girl alot of attention! I absolutely LOVED all the attention - what a difference from the earlier part of my life where I was teased all the time! I had fun while I was over there then we got sent back to the States.

I met my husband at our next base state side. I met him in 85 and we got married in 86 when I turned 18. We had a son 3 yrs after we got married and a daughter 2.5 yrs after that. I will be married for 22 yrs this year. I started to put the weight back on when I had the kids and it just never came off. As a matter of fact I just gained more. My husband has NEVER EVER said one word about my weight, he says he loves me no matter what and he doesn't care!! For that I'm very thankful cause it's been a uphill battle for me with my weight and self esteem without him adding to it. We do have a good marriage, ups and downs like any relationship but I do think it's pretty solid.

Phewww...ok, now to the point....I remember what it felt like when I lost weight before and how I liked the attention and a part of me really craves that again. I just hope that I don't step over the line at all because I do love my husband dearly and I don't want to jeoperdize what we have. I think that is in the back of his head too because of a couple of comments he's made over the years. I know in my heart I couldn't have anyone better than him, his momma trained him well (shhh..don't tell her I said that) and he loves me unconditionally!

Well, just thought I would throw my two cents in. Hopefully I'm not the only one like this out there!

Take care!

Kel

Kell,
I so don't want to say anything mean and in text stuff can come across differently.

I'm sure you're beautiful and you'll get attention you are not used to, but honey you are 20 years older. And there are some smokin' hot 40 year old women out there but the fellas give most the attention to the 20 somethings.

I say this because I'm seeing my face less fat for the first time in 20 years and I'm like "where the hell did these wrinkles come from?!"

I hope you take what I'm saying with a smile. :biggrin2:
And like Mama said, tell your man what you want from him.

Kelgirl68 · 02-25-2008, 08:33 AM

Never said I was going to do it, I know common sense would prevail, but it was just something I've thought about.

Yes, I see wrinkles under my eyes here and there and I have such a lovely teenage daughter that just had to point them out too!

I don't honestly see myself with anyone but my husband, you can all relax!

Have a good week!

Kel

**Kat817** · 02-25-2008, 09:29 AM

Hey Kel---was not meaning to insinuate you were going to run out on DH!!!!

Maybe you need to do something to shake things up a bit---like this weight loss is not enough!!! But something to give cause for the butterflies to come back!

Secretly take a stripping class, or a belly dancing class, and let DH be your private audience!

Make a weekend of it, go to a nearby city, rent a motel room for the weekend, and show him the time of his life--------make him want to do it again enough to make the plans himself next time.

20+ years later it is a different feeling, and those around us, especially our children think that we feel differently because we are getting older. I really don't. I have the same thoughts, and feelings I did when I was their age. I also have some wisdom to go with those thoughts and feelings now thankfully though!!!

Are your kids out of the house? Or still living at home? It makes a difference--a HUGE difference in our case! Got all 3 kids on their own, and we were like newlyweds again! We could make love in the kitchen or the living room, anywhere anytime we wanted----and just knowing that was impetus enought to do it! It was a special time for us, being able to devote our time to one another again!

If you still have teenagers at home----it is going to be more difficult----but you can let him know when they graduate and go on to college, or work---he better watch out....just the knowledge is going to kick him up a notch!!

This is one of those issues--the homework is FUN!! And yes, you will continue to be amazed at how weight loss changes things. Not only in how you move, but in how you feel things!

Have fun!
Kat

jaylow · 02-25-2008, 11:31 AM

Hi, When I got married I weighed 150lbs. I was still heavy but could also still be called cute. My husband has never said anything about my weight but our entire marriage he has been in love with his mother more than me. I have stayed with him through 2 nervous breakdowns and a fling with a lapdancer. The minute he got better from his first nervous breakdown the first thing he said after he recovered was I want to visit my mother. She never bothered to visit him. Over the course of our marriage I have gained 90lbs. I'm hoping that once I lose the weight I will have the courage to leave. He is an excellent father, and a doctor so we have a nice lifestyle. Unfortunately, playing second fiddle is slowly killing me. I am thinking the lap band with save me in so many ways.