Dating after Lapband

foxygrlts · 06-24-2008, 05:59 PM

Hi Everyone!!

Ok, so I have been dating a lot lately and have a question for you all. I have met someone I really like and am shy of my lap band scars on my stomach. He does not know I had the surgery and I am not sure if I want to share that with him yet. What do you do? Has anyone else has this issue? What do you say when he sees your scars? Any guidance would be so helpful.

Tanya

shome · 06-24-2008, 06:12 PM

I think anyone you share the details of your life with should be with you for you! Not what you will be or used to be. They may not even notice or ask. You just share what you are comfortable with. If they aren't comfortable with it then that is a good sign to move on.

Cadets71 · 06-24-2008, 07:37 PM

Tanya, Dr. Teng just did my surgery on June 5th! How is he when it comes to fills? Looks like you have done just great!

foxygrlts · 06-24-2008, 07:42 PM

Hi there...
Dr.Teng is great. Fills are fine. I hate needles and he still has done mine. He is really quick and it does not hurt at all. He is the best!

Tanya

greythope · 06-24-2008, 08:29 PM

I would agree with the second poster. If you're comfortable telling him about it then do. If not, then why not? Honestly most guys aren't going to care as long as you can talk about something else and don't spend your dates whining about being fat. As for the scars, I doubt he'll notice that amongst everything else going on if you get intimate :) ;)

If he were to say anything like 'what's up with the scars/ extra skin thing' and was a jerk about it then kick him on down the road!

I met my husband when I was heavy. He has seen me heavy, he has seen me thin and he doesn't really care. He grabs my bottom if he's behind me on the stairs whether I am 165 or 265 and that's how the right guy for you should be :)

Kat225 · 06-24-2008, 09:03 PM

THis is something I've thought about for my future as well. I'm currently single but eventually I want to start dating. I'm pretty quiet about my decision to have surgery too. I just don't think its anyone's biz...ya know?

I was kinda thinking if I'm close enough to the guy to allow him to see me naked then I will probably feel comfortable telling him about my band. I don't plan to be intimate with anyone I'm not dating on a serious level but sometimes things happen. Maybe you could just say casually "I'll tell ya later" and change the subject lol...

FeliciaLevy75 · 06-24-2008, 09:58 PM

I tell them right away. Not "Hi, my name is Felicia and I have a lap band," but if I am going to be spending time with someone, I find a way to bring it up gently and topically.

Whether romantic or not, they're going to find out eventually, right? The band, this new me, is the reason I have a lot of my new behaviors and I need to know that I am supported. If they can't handle it right away, they won't be able to handle it later.

Two examples: I am traveling to Philly, NYC and DC in August with a "gentleman friend" (my mom's term) whom I haven't seen in about 2 years. We're on the phone all the time, he knows about it, he's always loved the person I am/was, and I know he'll like the new exterior and lifestyle just as much. He's one of my biggest supporters!

I have another friend with whom I have been spending more time here in Vegas and he didn't know until after. He just kept saying how great I was looking... then commented at dinner with my friends and family that I wasn't eating much. I told him, right then and there, and he's been great!

Be proud of who you are and the decisions you have made. You deserve to be supported and cared for now and always, not just later when it's comfortable for someone else.

Just my $0.02.

Good luck!

jennup · 06-24-2008, 10:10 PM

I think that if your are comfortable enough for him to see your belly should be able to tell him about your surgery. However, you could always say it was a hernia or gallbladder surgery - the scars are almost identical!!

FighterGirl · 06-24-2008, 10:11 PM

I have actually never had anyone ask about the scars. I think they are too afraid that it maybe a sensitive topic. I did struggle with do I tell, don't I tell, why tell and when? I realized if this is someone I am serious with and will be spending a lot of time with...then they should know.

I say share when you are ready to do so. If they ask, be as vague or specific as you are ready to be with that person.

Barbiek · 06-24-2008, 10:42 PM

Hey Tanya,
I'm older than you and married and have not had my surgery yet, but I will soon. But, if you want my 2 cents, I would wait to tell him until you are really comfortable in your relationship with him. If you are just dating, he really doesn't need to know yet. In the meantime, just leave the lights off! :) That's what I would do. Good luck with your decision.

foxygrlts · 06-25-2008, 01:53 AM

You guys are all so awesome!! Thanks for the great advice. It is nice to know that I am not alone in this awkward feeling. I mean, I like him, and am dating, but not so serious that I want him to know really personal things about my life. Thanks so much for the comments back.

Tanya

aubrie · 06-25-2008, 10:51 AM

That's why dating is called dating. You're getting to know someone and see if you're compatable with them. Leave some things to the mystique.....He doesn't need to know everything about your right away. Make sure you trust him with your intimate details and feelings first.

MrsFlipFlops · 06-26-2008, 01:55 PM

I wouldn't think you need to pop out with it right away... I agree with the advice to wait until you're comfortable.

I'm married, but my sis is about to have the surgery and has the same concern. I don't think the right guy would be scared at all. In fact, I don't think most guys would be scared.

I guess I'm thinking... I had kidney stone surgery awhile back... and now have to drink lots of water to prevent them from returning... I don't say that right away. I have asthma, but it's not one of the first thing I told dating people. I don't know if I'm making any sense. :)

mom2twins · 06-26-2008, 02:19 PM

Something I learned when I was dating is to use candles. They give you enough light to be able to see what you want and the shadows from the candlelight helps to cover any flaws you might feel like you have. I was always very insecure and the candle thing really helped my when I got together with my current husband. We came up with the saying "shadows are kind" and that helped him with some of he things he didn't want me see about his body. Just a suggestion, it worked for us.

mphsmommy · 06-26-2008, 02:50 PM

Quote:

I was kinda thinking if I'm close enough to the guy to allow him to see me naked then I will probably feel comfortable telling him about my band.

I agree with the above.