Anyone else lose a friend or friends when they opted to get healthier?

Without going into great detail about what I'm personally enduring in a rather close (or rather, previously close) relationship I had with a girlfriend, has anyone else encountered a loss of a friendship or partner in life following WLS surgery ??? I'm feeling a bit like a line is being drawn in my friendships. Some of them completely stand beside me and are so supportive. Others, and unfortunately one in particular that's painful to lose to me, is acting as if I've personally insulted her by doing what I've done. Yes, she's obese, an absolutely gorgeous woman who actually was approved for the surgery but made the last minute decision to not have it. Finances, and a husband who feared losing her once thin, caused her to cave on her former decision to have it. Perhaps she simply regrets the decision and her pride won't allow her to express that???? Or maybe I'm doing something that i'm not aware of that is upsetting to her??? I know she refuses to even acknowledge that I've lost any weight at all. The only time she speaks of my WLS at all is when I complain that I can't have this or that...she then says 'ohhh i knew that would be a pain .. so glad I didn't do it'. The other day we were at a bowling event, and a few other people noted that I'd lost a great amount of weight. She stood up, excused herself and literally stormed off. I asked the ladies to drop the subject. I don't know what to do and feel as if there is no hope in trying to rectify this situation and part of me is sad that she won't at least be supportive of what I've done.

Has anyone else endured this????

Interestingly enough... I have a friend who had GB several years ago... she did very well, but when I saw her a year ago, she had gained a little back, but still looked amazing... This time last year I was in Chicago visiting her for my birthday... at that time, I had no plans at all to have WLS.... when I made the decision... I spoke w/her in like March of this year... she questioned my choice of surgeon, she thought her surgeon was the ONLY one to use and questioned my choice of LB instead of GB. Since that conversation, she has not answered her phone when I call, returned my voicemails, emails or texts.... I find this very sad and very confusing. You would think that her having gone thru WLS and been successful, you would think that she would be supportive and not forgotten about our friendship... it really sucks to lose a friendship you cherised over something like this...

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May 4th- 2 wk pre-op weight 358.5lbs
May 19th- surgery day weight 346.6lbs
First Fill- 6/12/09 2CC- 334.5lbs
Second Fill- 7/22/09 1CC 313.5lbs
7/29/09 had 1/2 CC taken out 314lbs
Third Fill- 9/9/09 1CC - 308.5lbs
10/14/09- went in for fill, no fill done.- 303.lbs

Thread Starter

I understand what you mean. I have a similar situation. I opt in that case to simply, once again, resist conversation that surrounds my surgery, weight loss, or improving appearance. Sadly though, I find that means I can't speak to my friends that are experiencing these feelings about anything important to me other than what THEY feel comfortable talking about. I feel angry that they can't get behind me in this, as I would be the first one tooting their horn in a similar situation. Again, the friends I am experiencing these issues with are ALL overweight and I cant' help but wonder if this is why they seem so darn unhappy for me.

Sounds like jealousy is rearing it's ugly head(s).

I totally can relate. I haven't heard from my sister since my surgery in April unless I reach out to her. Before my surgery she made comments like "I guess I'm gonna be the fatest one in the family" so I say that maybe when she sees how good I do she will decide to do it and she responds with "I would never do that".

This is my take on it:

If you care so little about me that you would deprive me from being healthy, looking better, feeling better, and more secure with myself, or so jealous that you can only be unkind to me, then you obviously don't care what is best for me and therefore, are not up to the position of being a real friend/sister. Not saying my philosophy is the correct one, just how I see it.

Move on....make new friends and surround yourself with real, loving, caring people and don't waste anymore time with negative people who will suck the life out of you. I have made several new friends at the Curves I workout at and the support I get from them is wonderful.

I wish you much success and support on your journey.

Donna

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Banded 4/17/09
Dr. Alberto Aceves, Mexicali

4cc band filled to 3.10 cc

80 pounds lost to date

Thread Starter

Thanks for your reply and it does help to know that I am not the only one that has gone through this. Its not in my nature to walk away from someone, but I see your point. In my heart, I feel, she needs me, needs to be certain that just because I become thin I won't throw her away because she's large....her self esteem is at an all time low and I so wish she had had the surgery as well. I keep thinking 'hmmm now she'd be 2 weeks post surgical and down at least 10 pounds' and I think about how wonderful that would feel for her. But in the end I know you are right Its not about what I can do for her, its about what I can do for ME...and for me that means having people around me that are willing to support me fully (as I would them). I go next monday for my very first fill, I'm petrified!!!! Other than my husband, my two closest friends have no shunned me due to the jealousy issues and I feel like I have no one to talk to.

When I get to feeling like that, I remind myself of something. I got fat alone, I'll get thin alone too. I didn't need anyone in the room with me while I ate twinkies and pizza, and I don't need anyone in the room with me when I peel off poundage and walk on my treadmill. LOL.

oh this happened to me and it is very painful.

My best girlfriend and I were both approved for the surgery and even had the same date scheduled. At the last moment her insurance company denied the surgery, they said they had recently dropped it. She refuses to fight it.

I ended up having the surgery in April. I have not seen her since. She makes up all kind of excuses why we can't meet up or hang out.

I even emailed her telling her I am looking older since the surgery and have wrinkles that I didn't have before. I was hoping that would help, but alas nothing.

I know seeing my wt loss will make her sad, but what was I to do, not have the surgery because hers was denied?

I feel bad, sad, terrible, you name it.

I miss her. I told her I miss her too. It just sucks!!!(pardon my french)

I sympathize with your situation, unfortunately I have no advice other than to hang tough, be proud of what you are accomplishing. Most importantly, don't let anyone sabotage you.

It is so unfortunate that some people react this way - withdrawing, angry etc. My opinion (having gone through this too) is that losing weight makes the person scared that as a 'new you' you won't have time for them, will find a new life etc. So rather than be rejected, they close the door...fast and hard.

Some people make their way back to a normal relationship, others are unfortunately lost for good. It is very sad, but you cannot make someone be what or how you want them to be. Extend the hand of friendship/family, and then move on.

well said taps!