Did you tell others about surgery?

~Bridgette~ · 09-18-2008, 05:19 PM

This is a big topic for me right now. About a year and a half ago, when I first started researching the Lap Band, I told my folks about it (they're both overweight as well). They started firing questions to me, causing me to doubt if this was the right decision for me. They said "it's the easy way out" and "why go through surgery if it might fail" (I took that as I might fail at it)... so I put it off. Now I have a date scheduled for the end of October and I still haven't told them. Ironically, I've told a ton of my friends! I've asked them to pray for this situation, pray for my parents to receive the news in a positive way and to be supportive when the time comes. I even told my scrapbooking group (mainly because I'll be on a long weekend retreat the weekend prior to my surgery and I may very well be on a liquid diet at that time). But yet... still haven't told my parents. Hubby is 100% supportive and will back me no matter what. I want to tell them, but in person rather than over the phone. The next time I'll see them is about a week and a half prior to my surgery.... is that too much pressure on them to soak up the change and be supportive before my big day? Am I worrying too much about it? What do y'all think???

luluc · 09-18-2008, 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Bridgette~

The next time I'll see them is about a week and a half prior to my surgery.... is that too much pressure on them to soak up the change and be supportive before my big day? Am I worrying too much about it? What do y'all think???

my opinion - don't tell.
i have LOTS of reasons why - but if they questioned you a yr ago, what makes you think they'll be supportive in the last hr. i had ZERO doubt my parents would have supported me ... in fact when i finally did tell; my oldest brother went and got banded himself after seeing the succes of DH and self.
you shouldn't look at this as "too much pressure on them" ... this is ALL about you - you taking charge of your health. be selfish; tell who you know will support you immediately w/out consequences - then delve out what you did as needed.....sorry - pretty personal for me 2

Niecey · 09-19-2008, 08:16 AM

I personally would not tell them. You need support right now not someone telling you things that make you doubt yourself and your decision. Tell them later on if you want but not now. You do not need to be stressed out about that. You have enough fears and doubts on your own.
Niecey

♥Amy♥ · 09-22-2008, 02:02 PM

This has been an issue for me, also. I told my parents what I plan on doing but I'm not so sure I want to tell my in-laws. They're very judgemental and although they can stand to lose a few pounds they think they're better than me because they are much smaller than me. They are "judge a book by its cover" type of people and I've come to terms with the fact that they don't like me because I am not "normal" looking. The only thing that is stopping me from keeping the info from them is what if, God forbid, something happens to me during surgery? If DH has to call them up and say "Mom and dad, Amy had surgery today and such and such happened" They are the kind of people who instead of rushing to his side to be supportive and comforting, they seriously will yell at him and ask why we didn't tell them before hand. They're very toxic people but DH loves them so I tolerate them. I don't want them to know because once they know then everyone will know but what if something was to happen? Ugh!! It's amazing how much wrestling we have to do when it comes to doing something for ourselves!

favorite · 09-22-2008, 06:24 PM

i told anybody who would listen to me that i was having surgery. but i did not ask for their approval or give them the opportunity to give their disapproval. it was my choice of what to do with my body to get myself healthy. i say go for whatever works.

tracie30 · 09-22-2008, 08:01 PM

Hi Anne,
I have been on this fence with this issue. I just found out today that I was approved and there is a part of myself that want to stop people on the street and tell them..."I was approved for Lap Band". I have spent sometime pondering this since I started this journey and only told my best friend and my mom that I was going through the motions to get approval but I have ultimately decided not to tell. I have been heavy my entire life and I was judged based on that. I do not want anymore judgement. I would much rather have people talking about me for finding self control instead of hearing things like " she took the easy way out" even though there is nothing "easy" about the surgery.

So here's my plan...I'm telling my boss that I am having "female" surgery so that I can take a couple days off to recoup. When the weight starts coming off, then I will tell them all about portion control and the benefits of excerise.

It's no ones business other than those who acts as support for this life changing journey in your life.

Best of luck to you!

auntlucy · 09-25-2008, 08:14 PM

I've been thinking about this post (and the other similar ones on LBT.com), and I felt compelled to write this. Our society has turned into one where people feel entitled to know every detail of a person's life. If they don't share something personal, it's considered a lie. I'm sure celebrities definitely feel this way...they can't even have privacy in their own homes without the paparazzi invading. And, it even seems to translate to us. Some people have the mentality that if you don't tell people about your weight loss surgery, then you are hiding it or lying to people. I say, if you want to tell people, that's great! But, for those of us who are a little more private, that's perfectly acceptable too! A little privacy is not a bad thing. For some, it is essential to their success.

I hope my little rant doesn't offend anyone, because that is not my intention at all. I just don't buy in to the notion that people deserve to know everything.

I have told a handful of people at work and a few family members. When I told them, I let them know why I was telling them and asked them to honor my wishes of keeping it private. More than 6 months later, I do not know of anyone who let me down by sharing it with others. I also let them know what I needed from them to be successful. It has been the right decision for me. A few of the people who know have asked me if I would mind talking to a friend of theirs who is interested in the surgery. I am happy to help anyone who needs or wants to talk about it. Also, if someone with a weight problem genuinely wants to know how I lost weight, I will tell them.

Momento Mori · 10-16-2008, 03:43 PM

Hi all!

I am new to the site and this is my first contributing post.

I am in the process of securing insurance approval (which I am confident will go fine). My husband and son know, as does one of my sisters. I do not plan to tell anyone else. I only shared with my sister because she is also morbidly obese and insurance may cover surgery for her too.

I do not want to be judged for "cheating."

A female co-worker had the surgery after it was added to our benefits package. This co-worker was dangerously overweight (she had well over 200 pounds to lose), had a long list of health problems, and had obtained a handicapped card for her car because she was incapable of walking the shortest distance.

Knowing all this, co-workers would be supportive, smiling, and encouraging when talking to her one-on-one, but behind her back, and eventually in open conversation with her, they would go on and on about how she "cheated."

Co-workers have told her to HER FACE that she did NOT need the surgery, she just needed to learn discipline. One male co-worker told her he wasn't surprized when he heard she'd be having the surgery because, he said, "fat people always take the easy way out."

Average/normal sized people already make value judgements about us because of our size. Dozens of social psychology studies show that overweight women are discriminated against more than any other group of people.

Overweight women receive less pay, fewer promotions, and fewer opportunities (on the whole) than any other group of people.

The stereo-type is that obese people are lazy, unmotivated, and should be ashamed of themselves. People don't choose their skin color, but they do choose how much food they eat--and everyone in the world knows it!

I refuse to have anyone suggest I did not work to lose my excess weight because I elected to have a major medical intervention in my weight lose. I will alter the way I eat until the day I die. How many "normal" sized people can say they did that?

No. I won't tell anyone.

vzghj3 · 10-16-2008, 10:16 PM

I had surgery 4 months ago and only my husband knows. In my opinion there is really no reason for any one else to know. People have commented on my weight loss. and those that have asked how I've done it my response is I've been making healthier choices by exercising and portion control. I don't say that I am dieting, because there are those out there will question what I'm eating and is it allowed on my diet. I still pretty much eat what I want but just smaller portions. As far as work I told no one, not even my boss. I just submitted a request for FMLA which is all kept confidential and salary was then approved by CIGNA so I was paid for my 3 weeks off. When people at work asked where I had been, I just told them I was off on FMLA or personal leave. It all comes down to a personal choice. But I feel there are more risks with telling people. People can be judgemental, look at you as a failure and tell others you didn't want to know.

PSJ71 · 10-20-2008, 07:07 AM

I have only told my family that I am planning on having it done and my very best friend. I do not want my husband telling any of his friends or his family. I just don't think his family would understand. Not that they are stupid, but I just really don't want them to know.

PSJ71 · 10-20-2008, 07:09 AM

I agree lucy. That's why I'm not telling my in-laws.

seabeepat · 10-24-2008, 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vzghj3

I had surgery 4 months ago and only my husband knows. In my opinion there is really no reason for any one else to know. People have commented on my weight loss. and those that have asked how I've done it my response is I've been making healthier choices by exercising and portion control. I don't say that I am dieting, because there are those out there will question what I'm eating and is it allowed on my diet. I still pretty much eat what I want but just smaller portions. As far as work I told no one, not even my boss. I just submitted a request for FMLA which is all kept confidential and salary was then approved by CIGNA so I was paid for my 3 weeks off. When people at work asked where I had been, I just told them I was off on FMLA or personal leave. It all comes down to a personal choice. But I feel there are more risks with telling people. People can be judgemental, look at you as a failure and tell others you didn't want to know.

i am with you just checking into this and set up for my tests
luckily my husband is away on navy duty and i am visiting this is how i am doing it keeping it from my family and my staff....

seabeepat · 10-24-2008, 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vzghj3

I had surgery 4 months ago and only my husband knows. In my opinion there is really no reason for any one else to know. People have commented on my weight loss. and those that have asked how I've done it my response is I've been making healthier choices by exercising and portion control. I don't say that I am dieting, because there are those out there will question what I'm eating and is it allowed on my diet. I still pretty much eat what I want but just smaller portions. As far as work I told no one, not even my boss. I just submitted a request for FMLA which is all kept confidential and salary was then approved by CIGNA so I was paid for my 3 weeks off. When people at work asked where I had been, I just told them I was off on FMLA or personal leave. It all comes down to a personal choice. But I feel there are more risks with telling people. People can be judgemental, look at you as a failure and tell others you didn't want to know.

i am with you just checking into this and set up for my tests
luckily my husband is away on navy duty and i am visiting this is how i am doing it keeping it from my family and my staff....

needtoseemeagain · Yesterday, 05:48 PM

Right now I am leaning towards keeping it with my immediate family as others seem very judgemental rather than supportive. I will not lie, but I will not be completely transparent. My phrase will be, "I have decided to LiveIt and not Diet!" It is very touchy and eventually I will tell close friends and perhaps others but not at the beginning because at that time I will need support, not distractions. All of these responses have really help me think through this aspect, thank you to everyone for being so transparent and helpful.