Current Relationship woes...

NatashaZ · 07-07-2008, 07:23 PM

Hello everyone. I am not banded, but on my way. I was hoping you guys could give me some insight on a problem I am having.

My boyfriend is very overweight. He has always been big, but in the past 2 years has probably gained an additional 50-60 pounds. I gained quite a bit of weight myself living with him. I have tried to get him to eat better and work out, and I have lost a little weight and feel better about myself, but he just won't budge. It scares me that he will just get bigger and bigger until he eventually dies. His mother is a VERY large woman, she is in her 50s and can barely walk. I don't want him to grow old like that. And what's worse, the part that kills me, is that I don't want to grow old with him if that is where he is headed.

It is totally selfish of me, I know. But the more weight he adds on, the less I am attracted to him, NOT because he is fat but because of his attitude. He complains but won't DO anything. He talks and talks about how important it is to eat right and work out but he WON'T MOVE. He just WON'T. It is driving me nuts. I can't have sex with him. I can barely look at him now, it makes me so uncomfortable. He just sits there.

I don't know what to do. I care for him deeply but I am scared that he will never change his habits. I am also scared that when/if I lose my extra weight, I will have even less tolerance for his complete lack of motivation. I just don't know what to do. Anyone been in a similar situation?

kansascase · 07-07-2008, 08:43 PM

Oh, he will change his habits when something happens - like a heart attack or when his joints hurt so bad he can no longer walk or do stairs, or he has to take shots every day for diabetes. Something will happen some where down the road. Does he have sleep apnea yet? Kind of like my husband - he has gained a lot too but my surgery has not really motivated him. I am afraid he will learn the hard way - we may not be old together. The difference is that I am married to him - this is for better or worse. I know that I cannot change him - he has to do that when he is ready. And the same goes for your boyfriend - you can't change him - can you live with the present circumstances "for better or worse" and not criticize or complain? Can you completely accept him as he is?

If you believe that you cannot accept that then I suggest you get out of the relationship now. The fact is that it might just motivate him to do something. Tell him you are afraid for him - you want him to be around and just tell him you have to go on ...

Anyway, that is my opinion. You decide what is best for you.

There are a lot of fish out there.

Phoenix · 07-07-2008, 09:20 PM

I'm sorry. It has to hurt you and worry you -- and you're powerless.

You're taking control over your future, but only he can take control over his. If he wants to complain and do nothing, then that's exactly what he will do.

You can tell him you love him, that you're worried, that you want him to get checked for depression. You can tell him that you can't watch him slowly die.

What he does with that information is up to him.

And if he chooses to do nothing, it's okay for you to move on. It isn't reasonable for someone to know that they're making choices that cause you anguish and expect you to just deal with it.

Miss Michelle · 07-08-2008, 01:03 PM

My hubby is also a big guy. He has always been athletic but is very much an "apple shape" (you know, big belly, skinny legs) which is the worst for men and enhances there chances of a heart attack. Well, anyway he sure got a wake up call at my LAP-BAND® seminar. My surgeon, having previously being obese himeself before being banded, was blunt about all of the concesquences of being overweight. That lecture changed both of our lives. Maybe take him to the sugeons office to hear all about how losing weight can help his whole life be better. The band was not right for my husband, but hearing all of the info he may get in gear to make a change in his life!

MicheleK · 07-08-2008, 01:17 PM

I agree with what everyone else has said. Let him know how you feel, after that the ball is in his court. You're not married and you're young...you have the advantage. If he's unwilling to make changes in his life, that's his problem...not your's. I know it sounds harsh, but that's reality.

It also sounds to me like he has some issues with depression and might be in a slump. Do what you can, but don't throw away your youth trying to help someone that doesn't want your help (I'm saying this from experience, lol).

I hope it works out for you.