Okay Men...need some advice

jfran · 05-17-2008, 10:37 AM

So preband/pre-weightloss I didn't receive much/if any male attention. Now that I have lost nearly 100lbs I have STILL NOT received much male attention. The only attention(flirting, compliments, etc.) I have gotten has been for males that are much older and not my type (one was 15 years older, divorced, had three kids, and lived with his mother..not my ideal guy).

I just don't really understand it. Preband, I chalked it up to being overweight. Now I don't have that excuse. Is it me? Am I not attractive enough? I know I still have some confidence issues, but I am so much more confident now than I was before. Am I not confident enough? Too confident? Intimidating?

Any tips/constructive comments would be great.

mediummike · 05-17-2008, 12:49 PM

patience...

pbpunisher · 05-17-2008, 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jfran

So preband/pre-weightloss I didn't receive much/if any male attention. Now that I have lost nearly 100lbs I have STILL NOT received much male attention. The only attention(flirting, compliments, etc.) I have gotten has been for males that are much older and not my type (one was 15 years older, divorced, had three kids, and lived with his mother..not my ideal guy).

I just don't really understand it. Preband, I chalked it up to being overweight. Now I don't have that excuse. Is it me? Am I not attractive enough? I know I still have some confidence issues, but I am so much more confident now than I was before. Am I not confident enough? Too confident? Intimidating?

Any tips/constructive comments would be great.

You're very pretty, and have incredible eyes. It could be confidence, but guys don't care much if your shy, unless you're really shy and make it hard to apporach. Younger guys also could lack confidence in approaching you were older men (ie me) don't have that as much. Try being a little more aggressive (not too much) and open. Trust me, I would be hitting on you, young, old or otherwise!

**Jack** · 05-18-2008, 07:05 PM

Evidence suggests there is a curve to learning the social skills that Normos have owned for decades while we Morbidly Obese have to construct our own newly discovered set of behaviors of all sudden.

OH Juli · 05-18-2008, 07:38 PM

I'm not a guy, but I'll second what Jack said.

There's a bit of learning you might need to do. I see you're 24, so in my world you're just a kid. :)

My advice is be and do interesting things so you can be and have interesting things to talk about which don't hinge on the guy in the picture.

Take up a hobby your Mr. Right might be into, rock climbing, moutain biking, rowing, theater and dig it for your own self. You'll be surprised how much you'll have to chat about with folks. Be open to meeting new people because even Mr Wrong has friends. Make pals with the gay guys at the gym, they have brothers who are straight or the gay girls for that matter. They (we) have an in with the straight boys that gets over looked often.

Your fella is out there. He'll fall across your path if you keep moving.

Good luck.

Hippiemama · 05-18-2008, 07:41 PM

Not a man, but I think you look great :)

Fenton · 05-18-2008, 09:48 PM

Yeah, you're a cutie!

This isn't about your looks, it's about learning how to be out there, how to feel comfortable around other people while still being yourself. Many of us fat people - as Jack notes above, essentially - have been kind of hiding away while we cope with our issues. You're free now, and that's exciting, but it's also going to come with a bit of a learning curve.

You can do anything you want now. Decide what you want to do, do it, and see who you meet while doing it. You're too cute to be on the shelf for very long!

Have fun...

Jachut · 05-18-2008, 11:17 PM

I agree with Juli, I'm not a man either by the way!

You're pretty but you're just a youngun. The confidence will come as you get used to yourself and as you get a bit older and you'll develop more allure. When you're 24, sometimes, if you're not blonde with big boobs and all the right clothes, friends and accessories, you can feel a bit left on the shelf. Be thankful you have a much more interesting look than that, which (unlike the bottle blonde) will not look brassy and overdone by the time you're 30. You're going to mature like a good wine! And you'll score a way better guy too.

Also, be open. I dont think I'd want a divorcee with 3 kids at 24 either, lol, but older guys can be quite a catch. 24 year old men, by and large have not finished growing their brains yet (sorry to any young men here, roflmao! but you'll agree with me by the time you're 40).

rgjujitsu · 05-21-2008, 12:17 AM

really you are nice looking, but how is your body? Breast size and how your butt looks matters to most guys. give it time and don't be needy, this is #1 turnoff. do you have male friends? ask them about your personality and ask them to be dead honest. do you come across as bitchy or whiny? Are you too much of a buddy girl? sorry if this sounds sexist but it is the truth and I just want to help you. but the main thing is if you want a good man be a good woman and just give it time. I know quite a few verry pretty 34 yo single girls desperate to get married and it comes across that way with every guy they meet.

nhlapband · 05-21-2008, 08:25 PM

No offense, but that kind of sounds like "reverse" sexism, the remark about the breast size and rear. I have found that a lot of guys look first at ladies' eyes, and you have beautiful eyes!!! Not to sound weird or forward, but you are very attractive, and any guy should be attracted to you. For real.

OH Juli · 05-21-2008, 08:34 PM

Studies say 50% of men go for body and 50% go for pretty face.

I suppose if you have a great body and a pretty face 100% of the men will want you. But who wants 100% of the men out there?

The underlying issue is be yourself. Make sure yourself is someone you'd want to date. Is she interesting, clever, funny, caring, easy going, healthy, romantic? Mr. Worth a Shot, will come along and be a good fit.

Pinky Promise.

jfran · 05-21-2008, 10:21 PM

Thanks everyone, both male and female, for your advice, compliments, and comments. I am really not in any major hurry, I am just now really finding myself and I would just like to meet someone I can have fun with and sometimes I just wonder if I am giving off a "hands off" vibe. Maybe, maybe not. I am probably just to shy with the opposite sex. I am definitely not "bitchy and whiny"...I am going to choose to ignore those comments. I know that when its right it will happen for me.

Thanks again everyone.

CallMeAl · 05-22-2008, 05:57 PM

First of all, I'm a man and you are very pretty. The comment about breast size and your butt...ignore that. If that is the guy is looking for, that's not the kind of guy that I think you are looking for. I'd suggest that you either open your eyes and look around you as the guys that are interested are already there and you just don't see it. The other thing, and this is how I met my wife, is to get out of your comfort zone and try new things. Go to different places...hang out with different people. Try a different church. One with a good sized singles group. Trust me. Think of what qualities you are looking for and don't settle for less. It will happen.

KatW · 05-23-2008, 09:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rgjujitsu

really you are nice looking, but how is your body? Breast size and how your butt looks matters to most guys. give it time and don't be needy, this is #1 turnoff. do you have male friends? ask them about your personality and ask them to be dead honest. do you come across as bitchy or whiny? Are you too much of a buddy girl? sorry if this sounds sexist but it is the truth and I just want to help you. but the main thing is if you want a good man be a good woman and just give it time. I know quite a few verry pretty 34 yo single girls desperate to get married and it comes across that way with every guy they meet.

Are you kidding? It doesn't sound sexist to me so much as shallow! I know that MANY men think this way, but why would a woman want one of them? There are plenty of great guys out there who so transcend this kind of mentality. ( I am married to one of them- they are real. My husband is a hottie endurance racer with a six pack and he loves me now- thinks i'm sexy- fat or thin.

Girl, I hope you don't THINK to pander to this kind of man. He will never make you happy. Find you own bliss first. The man that is right for you will show up. It won't be on your timeline, however. You gotta let go worrying about the men. Confidence, happiness, and self-acceptance radiate to people of character and integrity, regardless or their weight or yours!

KatW

KatW · 05-23-2008, 10:22 AM

PS I thinkf there are plenty of shallow women out there too. I didn't mean to imply that only men suffer from this ailment.

I had a few more thought about this. Your original post hit really close to home. I would like to share a little of my own experience with men and I hope some of it will resonate with you.

I grew up heavy with a sister who was always thinner, more beautiful. I felt like the ugly girl. I never had a date or boyfriend in high school, or college. I thought it was because I was so fat and ugly. I lost a great deal of weight in my 20's- got thinner than my sister. I still didn't have dates, male attention. I couldn't understand why not. I thought, well, it must be me! There is something wrong with me! It made me feel horrible. I thought that my problem would be solved once I was thin, and it wasn't. It hadn't changed at all. I was still me- different package.

I would love to tell you that i had some huge epiphany, but I didn't. What really happened is that I stopped looking and stopped blaming myself. Looking back, I can see that while I thought I was ready to have a relationship-I wasn't. The weight loss was the least of the changing I needed to do. Fat is one way of telling people to stay away, but it is not the only one. Whether I was aware of it or not, I was teaching those around me how to treat me and I was saying "Don't go there!"

For a long time, nothing changed, but eventually I stopped worrying about it. I was happy with who I was and confident in myself. Suddenly, I had a boyfriend. How did that happen? And it was nice, but it was not as extraordinary, mindblowing as I had imagined it would be. I wasn't a different person, I wasn't changed in any grand way. I could handle what was going on and it didn't scare me, freak me out, or make me feel like more of a woman. I just liked the guy and I could accept that he liked me. He is not the man I married, but he holds a special place in my heart as the first man I was fearless enough to open myself up to.

The gist of this post is that it isn't about the men- at least it wasn't for me. You are doing just fine.

KatW