? for the guys re body image and sex

Melinco · 10-16-2009, 06:52 PM

Hi guys,

I thought I'd post a question over here to you to see if I can understand my husband better. Both he and I are overweight. I'm almost 300 (5'5") and he's around 380 (5'9"). Even when we both weighed about 50 pounds less, he was never that into sex, although I know he was in the past when he weighed even less. By the way, I am planning on getting the band before the year is out. He doesn't think WLS is the answer for him.

We haven't had sex in close to four months. Normally, we'd try to have it at least once a month, but only if I insist upon it. He has never initiated it. He doesn't have issues with getting or maintaining an erection, so that isn't the issue. It doesn't matter if I wear something slinky or not. I am more than will to please him orally before we actually have intercourse, so it's not like I'm being a prude.

Why do you think he doesn't initiate sex? His size has never been a turn off for me. I must say that when we do have sex, he does enjoy it.

Is there something I can do that will get him more into it? Do you think he has a problem with his own body image? If you can offer any suggestions, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Thanks!

Renob · 10-19-2009, 01:50 PM

I think you need to ask him what the deal is? Sounds to me like the biggest problem is lack of real communication.

Just send him a link to your post, seems like you covered most of your concerns!!! Ok lol dont send him the link but just sit him down and have a nice heart to heart!!!

I can speak for myself but at age 42 I have been horny non-stop for 30 years and all male friends say the same thing, this leads me to believe there are some issues that you two need to get out into the open.
The thought of only making sweet lovin 1 time a month would have me so down in the dumps!

So good luck and let us know how the talk went.

lien · 10-19-2009, 10:47 PM

maybe you should try and mix it up he might be bored and wants to try new things it can be fun for the both of you

billfresh · 10-21-2009, 09:18 AM

ok, let me take a crack at this...i have a couple thoughts for you. i am a guy, 45yrs old, banded, 5" 10" 250lbs.

a year ago i went to my annual physical that i get every 3 or 4 yrs. asked my dr if he should check my testoterone levels in my blood work. that i was concerned due to certain performance issues. his reply was great. keep in mind that he is also a friend of mine personally, not just my PCP so he is pretty open. he asked me to pretend we were talking about excavating. did i still have the desire to "dig a hole". i kinda looked at him funny and he said, "you know...when you see that fresh piece of dirt laying there in front of you, do you still have the desire to get into the backhoe and dig that hole?" i said ,"well yeah but the backhoe boom doesn't reach as far as it used to and i can't dig nearly as deep as i think i could in the past. Also, once i dig that 1st hole, no matter how shallow, i gotta let the backhoe rest. It won't handle digging 2 holes 1 right after the other. In fact if i try for to long to dig the same hole she just might overheat and shut down completely and i'm stuck with a 1/2 dug hole."

we laughed about all that but he said basically that as long as a man has the desire to "dig a hole" his testosterone levels are fine. when he no longer wants to dig, then he should get his levels checked. he said some men have naturally low levels of testosterone. most men will see a decrease in these levels as they age and he felt that over weight men were more prone to this reduction than normal weight men. if your hubby's levels are low, it is an easy fix and the results are immediate.

obviously there could be other factors at work here. obesity causes HBP, diabetes, ect. all of these can be adding to his low sex drive. when was his last physical? you should start there, and not just for sex drive reasons. he needs to want to address these issues so you need to somehow get him to the dr. if he does not want to go then i don't know what to tell you. all men want to please their partners so maybe approach that angle, delicately. i will be honest, it took me a year to talk to my dr. about this and we are friends. it isn't easy for a guy to admit that his willy ain't working right.

oh, and my dr. said the issues i was having were all normal. that my backhoe wasn't 20yrs old anymore. it needed more rest and maintanence than before. he told me to try digging quality, well groomed holes instead of trying to dig caves all night. he was right and as i lose weight the boom is working a little better as well. good luck

**Jack** · 10-21-2009, 09:56 AM

Psychoemotonal and interpersonal issues aside for the moment....there are a TON of changes in hormonal activity for males in the pre-diabetic and diabetic stages. The little changes in various humoral factors such as testosterone level can be subtle at first. And aging has an effect on production of such internal chemical regulators of sexual activity.

Overlay that with the other factors we all encounter.

Certainly direct communication between you two is a start. And physical evaluation by a specialist would give important data too.
Then comes the relationship factors way too complex to delve into here.

Although it's way too early for such a conclusion, I heard a recent quote from Willie Nelson (now in his 70s)...."Something happened I never expected....I've finally outlived my peter".....

gmdod · 10-22-2009, 11:39 PM

Right now I am 358lbs, down from 376lbs, but up from 225lbs when I met my wife. I am going to be banded in 3 weeks. I am 30yrs old. Horny as hell. But I'll tell you what, Sex can be hard when your big, forget about all the hormone stuff etc.... It can be hard to breath, hard to have the stamina, there is sweating, back pain, arm pain, shoulder pain - maybe he is just embarrassed or ashamed of this and would rather forgo sex so as not too feel humiliated. Me personally I could care less most days - but every once in a while I am like screw this, it just isn't worth it. Oh and I agree with everyone else that says you need to communicate with him and not necessarily with a bunch of guys who are really thinking, Hmmm if he wont please you, maybe I could.......... ;)

billfresh · 10-23-2009, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gmdod

Right now I am 358lbs, down from 376lbs, but up from 225lbs when I met my wife. I am going to be banded in 3 weeks. I am 30yrs old. Horny as hell. But I'll tell you what, Sex can be hard when your big, forget about all the hormone stuff etc.... It can be hard to breath, hard to have the stamina, there is sweating, back pain, arm pain, shoulder pain - maybe he is just embarrassed or ashamed of this and would rather forgo sex so as not too feel humiliated. Me personally I could care less most days - but every once in a while I am like screw this, it just isn't worth it. Oh and I agree with everyone else that says you need to communicate with him and not necessarily with a bunch of guys who are really thinking, Hmmm if he wont please you, maybe I could.......... ;)

sorry to disagree with you but you can't "forget about all that hormone stuff". being tired or in mild pain from obesity is a valid point but does not explain a total, complete lack of any sex drive. even an old, worn out stallion dreams of running fast occasionally. plus you are only 30yrs old. lady never stated her hubby's age but once you get over 40 a lot of biological issues start to arise that can account for the problems she stated.

i also think this is the perfect forum to ask these questions. want to know possible reasons an obese husband does not whave an interest in sex? ask a forum full of obese guys. she wants information, not hook ups and asked her question as honestly as she could. if she was getting answers from him she wouldn't be asking here. i stand by earlier advice. discuss with hubby, schedule a complete physical, talk to the doctor.

**Jack** · 10-23-2009, 12:15 PM

The fuel that fires the engines of our sexual drive, IMHO, is entirely conditioned by the hormonal influences largely controlled by diet and genetics. The physical discomfort described so well, serve to decrease the ardent performance as well as opportunity.

As Lord Chesterfield long ago remarked: "“Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.”

and another of my favorites:

per Dylan Thomas:

The force that through the green fuse drives the

flower

Drives my green age; that blasts the roots of trees Is my destroyer.

And I am dumb to tell the crooked rose My youth is bent by the same wintry fever. 5

The force that drives the water through the rocks Drives my red blood; that dries the mouthing

streams

Turns mine to wax.

And I am dumb to mouth unto my veins How at the mountain spring the same mouth sucks. 10

The hand that whirls the water in the pool

Stirs the quicksand; that ropes the blowing wind

Hauls my shroud sail.

And I am dumb to tell the hanging man

How of my clay is made the hangman's lime. 15

The lips of time leech to the fountain head;

Love drips and gathers, but the fallen blood

Shall calm her sores.

And I am dumb to tell a weather's wind

How time has ticked a heaven round the stars. 20

And I am dumb to tell the lover's tomb

How at my sheet goes the same crooked worm.

billfresh · 10-23-2009, 01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jack

The fuel that fires the engines of our sexual drive, IMHO, is entirely conditioned by the hormonal influences largely controlled by diet and genetics. The physical discomfort described so well, serve to decrease the ardent performance as well as opportunity.

As Lord Chesterfield long ago remarked: "“Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.”

and another of my favorites:

per Dylan Thomas:

what is this? dead poet's society?? i officially feel like a dumbass after reading this.

The force that through the green fuse drives the

flower

Drives my green age; that blasts the roots of trees Is my destroyer.

And I am dumb to tell the crooked rose My youth is bent by the same wintry fever. 5

The force that drives the water through the rocks Drives my red blood; that dries the mouthing

streams

Turns mine to wax.

And I am dumb to mouth unto my veins How at the mountain spring the same mouth sucks. 10

The hand that whirls the water in the pool

Stirs the quicksand; that ropes the blowing wind

Hauls my shroud sail.

And I am dumb to tell the hanging man

How of my clay is made the hangman's lime. 15

The lips of time leech to the fountain head;

Love drips and gathers, but the fallen blood

Shall calm her sores.

And I am dumb to tell a weather's wind

How time has ticked a heaven round the stars. 20

And I am dumb to tell the lover's tomb

How at my sheet goes the same crooked worm.

what is this? dead poet's society?? i officially feel like a dumbass after reading this.

**Jack** · 10-23-2009, 04:14 PM

billfresh:

'Discussion' brings with it a wide variety of unpredictable responses, much as showing off one's tattoos, only to be surprised when not everyone has the same favorable opinion.

I for one believe it's reasonable to have interests other than sports/soap opera/politics to round out the experience of "Living". Discussion of male sexual function reasonably includes parameters other than the aching and sweating and moaning and discomfort imposed by gravity on our overloaded frames, as mentioned above.

That we are driven to attempt such in the face of negative reinforcement, certainly hints there are other factors which compel us lemming-like into certain behaviors, gravity and/or ego bruising be damned.

Men in general tend to condense our discussions into such as competitive/action oriented behaviors. How we perceive ourselves tends to be mashed into a cookie-cutter socially-assigned response packet.

Evidence suggests the notion innate hormonal influences on male sexual behavior can not be disregarded. Popular advertising would have us believe anything from the kind of automobile we drive, to the color of our hair or deodorant we buy, not only drives our sexual behavior but is the determinant of our success at such pursuits.

Whether we choose the training hall or the academic arena, vestiges of genetics and DNA are inescapable. The expression of and satisfaction with the multi-faceted aspects of our physical existence can not ignore, includes such as the Dead Poet's Society. Individual mileage may vary.

billfresh · 10-23-2009, 04:52 PM

BRAVO! BRAVO! (clapping, bowing, clapping some more)

Andrew6 · 10-29-2009, 03:14 AM

any chance he's got another hole he's digging else where?

Melinco · 10-29-2009, 06:39 PM

No, Andrew, I don't think he's got another hole he's dipping in to.

Thanks to all the other guys who gave helpful and encouraging words. I appreciate your input and will be talking with my husband.

Andrew6 · 10-29-2009, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Melinco

No, Andrew, I don't think he's got another hole he's dipping in to.

Thanks to all the other guys who gave helpful and encouraging words. I appreciate your input and will be talking with my husband.

not saying he is just saying...

abbylamb · 11-02-2009, 06:10 PM

Hey Melinco-as a female (I know, I'm not allowed to be on this thread---don't tell anyone!) I can relate. My hubby is over 325, and carries it all in his belly. Now I'm no lightweight myself, but for me, my sex drive has never been tied to my weight. Fat or thin, I want it, preferably all the time. That being said, my hubby's drive is directly tied to his weight (and self-confidence). It got so bad one time, that I actually told him to stop being such a girl, take off his freaking clothes, turn out the lights and just lay there for 15 minutes! (yeah, not my best heart-to-heart!) BUT--after really getting at the root of the matter, in my hubby's case, it was directly related to: A) he doesn't have the stamina to go as long as he can at a lighter weight, and that makes him embarassed about finishing before me (which is easily fixable if he makes sure you're totally satisfied before even going into the intercourse part of it), B) he gets tired easily (which is also easily fixable, as I have no problem hopping on and going for a ride), and C) he feels really self-conscious, so we do turn the lights out now. It makes him feel better. And there are things that I can do to help things along. In my hubby's case, these insecurities kept him from initiating anything, for fear he would disappoint. What it finally took was me sitting down with him explaining that his lack of desire was making me feel inadequate, undesired and self-conscious. I also go out of my way to make him feel cute-pat him on the butt, tell him how good he's looking, etc., etc. Guys need the constant reassurance we do too, they just don't know how to ask for it. Plus, I'll send my hubby suggestive text messages about my hopeful plans for the evening, and sometimes I'll even send him a picture message. It gets the idea of having sex into his head early in the day, so he's more receptive to it in the evening. Also, don't wait till late-go to bed early, while you both still have some energy! Hope this helps a little, and good luck!