freaker/tweaker

I've had three of these episodes now, where I'm a freaker/tweaker for 2-4 hours, but it seems longer.

I just need to know that someone else experiences something similar to this, to know that I'm not alone.

I become frantic, frenetic, like every molicule in my body is vibrating at double what it should be. Can't think, can't make a coherent sentence, can only shake and pace and move and tweak. The first time I was a little euphoric, but the last two times I felt out of control in a bad way.

I don't doubt that If Iwas in public when this happens that I'll be arrested for public intoxication use of meth, or speed or crack. And not in a good way either.

This goes way beyond being "normally" Cushie energetic. There is no way I can get anything done, it's all I can do to not start screaming or yelling. I spent over an hour walking in a circle in my kitchen. I'd get dizzy, so I'd switch and walk the other way. I ended up leaving the house and walked around my block twice, at a speed-walker pace, crying all the while, tears streaming down my face. I'm sure the neighbors were alarmed at my erratic behaviour. *I* was alarmed.

When I"m in the teeth of one of these episodes I cannot hold a rational conversation. I can't even follow a simple one, not really. I repeat myself. I'll say the same thing two or three times, usually the end of the sentence I'm trying to say.

I also get TERRIBLY thursty, and end up drinking a couple quarts of water in one go.

Last week when this happened, I was in the middle of my 32 hour blood draw, and ended up with an ACTH of 59 and 60. Chris at least got to see how bad I was, at my very worst.

I called Chris, not sure how I managed to punch the buttons since my hands were shaking so bad. She told me to start yet another UFC, do a salivary, and get a blood draw at the end of the UFC. I dont' want to test anymore! I wanted it to STOP! I don't want to have another one of those episodes EVER. But all Chris could do was tell me to test. Of course, I wouldn't have ever thought to test while I was in the middle of that. Even though it's happened three times now, it would have never occured to me to test.

When I had regained my brain, after I stopped tweaking, I told my son that he was going to have to make me a drink. He was going to have to feed me rum until I stopped tweaking. I know that alcohol and Cortisol "eat" each other. I just feel like I cannot go through another one of those episodes. I just cannot face it. I know it is a danger signal to think in "black and white" concepts, but I'm just so terrified of those episodes.

But what also frightens me is the thought of the crash that is bound to follow, either this afternoon or tomorrow. Where I'll lose conciousness, where I'll have "extreme weakness" with the crushing pain of the headaches and the back pain will burn my very soul.