Part 4: Looks like its self pay!! :-( But...I LOVE ME, BECAUSE IM WORTH IT!!!

Ok i have just gotten back from the hospital and although i knew which way it was gonna go (pushing me down gastric bypass route) i still held out some hope that i may be able to get banded.

The surgeon was an absolute dickhead!!! Didnt listen to anything i had to say...was going on about the advantages of gastric bypass...(yeah right being on supplements for the rest of my life) i was sitting there thinking you fool!! I told him the whole story...blah blah, but he didnt really seem to want to listen. To top it all off, my appointment was for 16.15. But the hospital had a fire alarm...by the time i got back in he waiting room it was already 16:15 and there were three people before me, i didnt end up going to see him untill 5:30pm. The other ladies were in there between 30-50 mins. I was in and out of their in 10 minutes!! Throughout me sitting in the waiting room and through teh consultation the fire alarm was STILL going on. I swear i can still hear it ringing in my ears!!

He then told me that i cant book and full assessment, until i go home and "think about it". Like i haven't been for the last four years!!!! What an EEEEDDDIOTTT!!!

Bascially unless my bmi is the fourtys they are not going to do it, so the NHS can go F**K themselves (and to think, money is taken out of my pay packet every month and i cant even get a service what i have literally paid for) !!! As i have said before whether it be paid for by the NHS or by me i will get banded. I will self pay, i tell you there is no money to much i wont pay to get my health back into check.

Ok so im a lil pissed off when i come out of the hospital, i really shouldn't of been as deep down i knew what they would say. I picked my mum up from the airport today and she has no idea about my surgery plans. When i get to my mums house, she asks where did i go. I was in two minds about telling her the truth, but i said to myself if she asks i will tell her.

In my head im thinking here it goes....!! "where did you go"
me: "i went to see an nhs consultant about weight loss surgery"
Mum: "What? weight loss surgery"
me: "yes"
Mum: "NO, NO, NO,!!!! So they can cut your stomach?? Dont even think about it"
Me: "No actually, they don't do it as open surgery!! Do you even know what kind of weight loss surgery i want? It called a gastric band, do you know what that is??"
Mum: No!
Me: " Well you shouldn't start shouting if you don't know what it is that im talking about!"

At this point i just want to burst into tears, but i hold them back walk away and take some deep breathes. I just find it really sad that the one person that i would really like supporting me is totally against the idea. The only person who i know i have 100% from is my sister, she has really been my rock throughout this, and really don't know what i would do without her. I was able to vent to her and she made me feel so much better.

I know it may sound wrong but that was another reason i wanted to tell as few people about the procedure as possible. I will be self paying and going to Belgium for the procedure and i will not be telling my mother that im going or having the procedure done.

I really dont think that she understands the extent of how this excess weight is making me so unhappy. I'm normally and bright and happy person but i have felt so down today, i feel everyone is against me except my sister. I really do thank god for forums like this because is it of such support to me.

Anwyays to cut a long story short i will be self paying and having surgery on sept 1st. I have always done everything for everybody else, its time i started thinking about myself for once. If people cant accept my decision then that is their problem NOT MINE!!

Im doing this for ME and nobody else, for once in my life im doing something for ME. and as the loreal adverts say......"BECAUSE IM WORTH IT"!!

Lap Band here i come!!!