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Starting over

Posted 05-13-2008 at 07:55 AM by Gloucester

Okay, here I am on Tuesday 5/13 - five days before my birthday - and I'm getting a re-fill.

I've been empty for about a month after being way too tight for a couple days. It really goes against my entire life's belief system to get a fill before a birthday. I know that sounds crazy and stupid - and really its craziness is what's making me go in today. My mother is fat, my grandmother was heavy, and I've topped both of them with my weight. So, growing up fat and then trying to break that mentality is really tough. I still fight with my mother about it. Fight may be too strong, but it’s a struggle. If I’m at her house and say, “ooh, cookies” when I see some on her counter, IT begins. IT goes like this:

Mom: Oh, are you hungry? Have some cookies.

Me: No, I’m okay…I just saw them and they look good.

Mom: Well, have some then. Get you a plate and help yourself!

Me: No, I’m okay…I don’t want cookies.

Mom: Well, I have pie in the fridge…what about ice cream? You want ice cream? I can make you something, what do you want? Do you want chicken? Are you hungry? I have leftover chicken in the fridge…

Me: No…I’m okay, really…I don’t want chicken.

Mom: I could make you a sandwich. Here sit down, I’ll make you something.

Me: NO. I’m OKAY.

Thank God for my step-father, who will usually step in at this point and say, “Leave her alone, Gin (my mom) – she said she’s okay.”

Mom: Well, I don’t want her to go hungry….

ACK! I’m 230 pounds – I’m not going hungry any time soon. I could be lost in the woods for a month and still come out of it fat!

So, imagine that – only on my birthday. Mom is a firm believer in birthdays. They were celebrated heavily growing up. She didn’t go to work on her day, and my brother and I didn’t go to school on ours. And food was paramount. She still is asking me for Sunday what I want to do…or rather, what I want to eat.

Will I ever be able to shake this? Can I do this? Right now I have so much self-doubt and fear that I feel like giving up and just staying fat.

But, then I slapped myself, went to the before and after pictures, leaned on my fellow lapbandtalk.com’ers, and called my doctor. I didn’t do this for NOTHING. I did this for me and for my daughter – I’ve come this far and I’m NEVER GOING TO BE FAT AGAIN.

So, here’s to SlimFast and Atkins Protein shakes that will keep me going the next couple of days…and thank you LAPBANDTALK.COM. You’ve saved my fat ass – yet again! J

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	Hello Gloucester: Glad you are here! All of us have gone down the same path, asking ourselves, is food so important? Now I realize that food is only for nourishment. Take some deep breaths. It is going to be o.k. Wishing you the best, Judie
	Posted 05-13-2008 at 09:27 AM by judie

Hi! I know what you mean. I come from a family of "Food solves everything", too. I'm sure your Mom is like my Mom and set in her ways. But, it sounds to me like she wants desperately to make you happy... and it's probably the only way she really knew how - in the past. I find myself feeding my son - who eats like a horse and is the size of a string bean, age 18 - the same way my mother did me. He's not fat, but if it weren't for his metabolism, he would be. No thanks to me. But, until I read your post, I never really thought about it. Now I am wondering... what else could I do for him that would make him happy? Because, I am thinking, food always made me feel good... I want him to feel good, too, right? Maybe this is what Mom is thinking when she is trying to feed you??

Instead... if your Mom isn't as easily offended as mine, you might try explaining that your wants have changed and NOT eating that pie makes you happy.

Old habits die hard and she has raised you and fed you one way all of your life... I am sure it is an adjustment that will take a lot of time, especially since she is not making that change to her life as well. Maybe if she would just keep some Slimfast on hand and say... "Want me to make you a glass of Slimfast?"... or something like that... I don't know, maybe I don't know what I am talking about. lol

I just know that I drive my kids nuts now that they are old enough to think for themselves and I don't have to decide for them. I find myself trying to please them and make them happy any way I can. It's a "mom" thing. =)

Good luck to you and Godspeed, dear. Don't give up.

xoxo
Carleen

Posted 05-13-2008 at 11:20 AM by nebraskahickchi nebraskahickchi is offline

	What a good idea - I can come in and say, "Ooooh - Slimfast sounds so good right now!" She'd jump up and say, "coming right up!" :) I love my mom, I really do - and you're right. It's been our bonding and happiness epicenter forever. It's hard to break that.
	Posted 05-15-2008 at 11:57 AM by Gloucester

I have a friend that every time I go over she asks what she can get for me- oreos', chips, popcorn, soda.
She is one of a few friends that I told about the band. Yet still when I go over she asks me what I want. She says "Oh ya, hows that going? Do you want a carrot?"
I answer with a request for ice water saying Im really thirsty.
Some folks will always turn to food. It's good to know which ones and have an answer ready.
Good luck.

Posted 05-15-2008 at 07:03 PM by ajoneen ajoneen is offline

I can completely understand! When I was growing up (MY mom was a good cook) and she made sure we had a complete meal on the table. But if we didn't clean our plates, my dad would say, "there are kids straving in Ethopia, you need to eat your dinner". I would retort back and say, well box it up and send it to them.. OF course, I kinda would get in trouble for that remark! Anyway, I learned to clean my plate and have ever since and now I am my BBW self with self esteem issues and all that goes with that. I have decided to turn it all around now for ME! Having surgery the end of June and can't wait!!! Just hang in there and maybe keep slimfast or something like that at your mom's so when you go over, you can grab that and she will feel like she maybe has fulfilled her MOM duty.... Good luck!

Posted 05-16-2008 at 09:40 AM by rondawood63 rondawood63 is offline

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