i'm starting over with my journey to have this surgery done. I thought maybe I could do it without -but I'm so heavy now, I don't even know where to start. I'm so lost in a sea of fat, that I can't find my way out by myself. I'm angry. At myself, at the insurance company, at doctors, at the people that screwed up the first time around and I wasn't able to have the surgery...but its a new day and I'm setting that anger into action to get things done better this time. I have a new insurance company...

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The doctor has changed my medications - I'm getting off the steroids as soon as possible (I have to be weaned) - Things aren't going that well with my treatments, but hopefully this changeup does some good. This will be the defining factor as to whether or not I go ahead with the surgery.

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I'm really going between having the surgery and not having the surgery. I mean, is it really going to benefit me? Do I want to go this route, or do I want to do it the way I always could before? I don't know. I have no clue what I really want to do. Do I need the surgery? No, I don't NEED it. I'm tired of the anxiety that this is creating - not the problems - that's not bothering me, just the anxiety that the thought of having this surgery is giving me. I don't know that its right for me,...

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So my psych eval is scheduled for next Friday. I'm actually kinda stoked to go to one of these. I've never had anything like that done. I mean, I went to a counselor as a kid when my parents got divorced because my mother made me go - which sucked - I didn't have anything to talk about She thought I was all Emo and I wasn't. I didn't like her, I had nothing to say to the shrink and that was about it. So she tried to put me in drug rehab - I'd never touched a drug in my life - meanwhile, my...

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