After two denials I decided to go to Mexico for sugery. Specifically, Dr. Ortiz. Of course he has a pre-op diet. Yep, I just HAD to pick the doc with a pre-op diet. So tonight was the Last Supper. Mexican with ice cream for dessert. I bought some protein powder from GNC and hopefully it isn't super gross. I can't believe surgery is just a little over a week away. Wow. I'm excited but scared. The life changes ahead of me are huge. But that would be true no matter which weight loss path I chose. The...

I am 5 months into the 6 month wait. It has been especially tough maintaining this weight and not telling most of my friends and family why I am so heavy and doing nothing about it. These months have forced me to just accept myself, more than ever. I don't know if I've been so sucessful at that. More than anything I just try to ignore how large and gross I feel. I have new stretch marks, something I haven't seen since I was 12 years old. They remind me of the permanence of being this heavy. I'm...

Monday I met with my PCP. After much discussion of my chart and good ol' Cigna, we came to the conclusion that I will probably need to weigh-in for 3 more months. Even though she has appointments with me dating back 2 years and me being substantially overweight each time - Cigna will probably want to see 6 consecutive months. But we don't know for sure and I have asked the surgeon's insurance biller to advise me.

In any case, my doctor said I was (finally?) at a BMI of 41, something...

Yesterday I met with the surgeon. As I sat in the waiting area with other heavy ladies, I wondered where they were in the process. How much had they lost? Were they in for a fill? I noticed one lady look another up and down as she talked to the receptionist with her back to us. We were all checking each other out - how silly! I suppose it is natural. We want to see results, if not on ourselves then on someone else.

After a bit of a wait I met with the doctor. He was friendly and apologetic...

Tonight I spent too long in a fitting room. I know all the 'feel good', 'positive body talk' rhetoric and how we should be kind to ourselves. But frankly, I was so grossed out. Who was that fat girl in the mirror? The heaving lower belly, like udders without nipples. The new dark purple stretch marks, crawling from above my bikini line like poison in my veins. Who IS that? The ill-fitting bra, confused as to where it should rest, over or under the back rolls. The lumpy cheese thighs, spotted with...