Paying Attention: My New Obsession

I am from San Francisco, I have lived in Los Angeles, and I now reside in Las Vegas; I am a people watcher. My favorites, by the way, are the people who come to Vegas wearing the worst shirts imaginable. I call them the "I can't wait to get to Vegas to wear this shirt" shirts. Scary, but entertaining.

I digress.

But this is something more, something slightly more disturbing. I watch what you eat and drink, calculating the calories in my head. If you are overweight, I also notice - now more than ever - what you wear, how you wear it, and how it will look after you eat whatever it is that has me locked into The Daily Plate calculations in my mind. I am not trying to be judgmental, that is not the point. It's almost like being a former smoker or drinker. It's just something I am keenly aware of: food intake, body shape, tent-like clothing.

Let's clarify this. If someone is showing restraint and making smart food choices; if someone shows motivation to be healthy (or healthier), then the part of my brain that performs these comparative calisthenics goes asleep. I relax immediately and I am open to the rest of the world that zips by me.

However, as I leave behind my issues with these factors of obesity, I am ultra-sensitive to those around me who seem not to care, who suck down full-fat, full-sugar, fried, breaded.... you get the idea. I can't help but wonder what the hell you are thinking. I want to point out how much better you will look and feel by making different choices, by tasting something fresh, by moving your ass a bit more.

I'm not innocent, nor am I sheltered; I have been there, I have been in your shoes. I've been that person (most of us have at some point or another) that had to have an appetizer and a salad and an entree and dessert. Don't forget the wine and bread and butter. I have purchased a "snack" that qualifies as a state dinner in some small countries. All of this on the heels of a day at the movies or mall and the inevitable snack bar/food court visitation.

I feel blessed that I am no longer bound to food in that way, but my new obsession is no less consuming. Instead of focusing on finding more food to shove down my throat, I am focusing on the food that others can't seem to put down. The assumption is that they, too, are addicted; they can't help themselves.

But they can help it! I know that now. And the intensity with which I focus these thoughts is a bit scary. I want to know why they can't see what they are doing to themselves. I want to scream and shout at them, asking if they want to be gaining weight with every bite, slowing their lives and their bodies to a snail's pace which, in turn, speeds up the aging and dying process.

No one ever knows that this is going through my head. I am sociable and polite and kind and normal on the outside. I don't make faces and I don't scoff openly. I make my own choices and seem to be unaffected by yours. No one knows (until now) that I do this, that I deal with this.

I know that as I become more and more of a healthy person, as I move away from obese and overweight and into normal, healthy, and average, I will relax. The focus on food in any sense will lessen because my lifestyle and habits will be ingrained instead of in process. This is a learning process for all of us, I respect that (it's the main reason I don't vocalize this new craziness).

Until then.... if you see my eyes flicker over your molten chocolate cake, you know why.