What makes me different?

So this last week has been a busy week. I had my nutritionist consult at Starbucks. She was nice I guess, but looked at me like I was out of my mind when I said I was going to self-pay. She literally stopped talking, put her papers down, her eyes got big, her mouth hung open a little, and she just stared at me for what felt like 3 hours. I know a lot of people (my husband and mother-in-law...) don't understand why I would go that far in debt for this, but I guess I can't really expect them to understand. They haven't lived their whole lives like this. Feeling like an outsider all the time. And now that I'm older (ripe old age of 25), and heavier, the daily physical pain, lack of energy, not being able to really be "me." My heart breaks when I can't play with my daughter more than a couple of minutes without being exhausted and winded. She deserves better than that, and I deserve to be able to be the kind of mom I want to be.

Ah well, I'm rambling...

So I had the nutrition consult. Took maybe 30-40 minutes. She had the nerve to drink Starbucks in front of me. I've cut Starbucks out cold turkey. I almost asked her if I could just take a sniff of her coffee. But that would have been weird...

Then Thursday I had my first appointment with the surgeon's office. $150 to watch a video explaining the lap-band® surgery . That was pretty much it. They weighed me, and I found out I weigh 5 lbs more than I thought I did. I thought I was at 405, but no, I am at 410. Sigh. Then I had to watch that video for an hour. Then, the lady gave me a paper with how much the cost of everything will be and the loan amount I need to take out. Yipee. Stupid employer exclusion...

Friday, I had an appointment with my family doctor. I love him. He is so supportive of this decision. He had his letter recommending me for the lap-band® surgery already written and typed up before he even came in the room. He also ordered the bloodwork, x-rays, EKG, upper GI, etc that the surgeon's office needs. I was so happy that he ordered it for me. That means my insurance will probably cover those tests since he ordered them, instead of my lap-band® doctor. He completely understood and was very happy to do so. He said that he has several patients who have had the lap-band® and been very successful. One lady was actually around my current weight, and is now down in the low 200's. He reminded me to be saving my money for plastic surgery as I lose the weight.

The most interesting of all the pre-op appointments on my checklist, was the psych eval. It was on Friday too, after the family doc appointment. The psychologist/psychiatrist was very nice, and really funny. He cursed like a sailor and had really funny stories to tell (including one story about a man that liked to have sex while wearing his CPAP machine ). He picked at my brain a little, but I think he could tell I'm ready for this surgery and fully aware of the physical & non-physical risks. There was only one thing that stumped me, and I've been thinking about it ever since. He said he has lots of patients that have been banded and aren't successful with it. They either don't lose much weight at all, don't lose any weight, gain weight, etc. Basically, the band just does not work for them, usually because they aren't sticking to the program, exercising, etc. He asked me, what about me makes me different from any of them. I told him that I am super-motivated and I'm going to do my very best. He replied that that's how they all felt in the beginning too. That kind of hit me hard. There are lots of bandsters that were just as motivated as I currently am with all the intentions to do everything right and lose all the weight, but they failed at it. What is going to make me different? I didn't know the answer to this and I couldn't answer him. I still don't know the answer to this. I wish now that I had thought to ask him if he had any suggestions of what could make me different from them. This question is kind of getting to me. What is going to make me different?

So the only thing I've got left on my checklist is my upper GI stuff. I think that's usually done at a hospital. Someone is supposed to call me for a date for that.

Even though I don't want the surgery until the last week of May or the first week of June (so DH, the teacher, will be out of school and can help out with our 2 year old), I feel so relieved to have pretty much everything done and out of the way.