You made me cry, thank you | |
Tuesday was really hard for me. I've been beating myself up because I'm not losing weight. I mean, I'm seriously obsessing over this. I obsessively count calories trying to stay near the 1200 calorie mark, but I allow myself +/- 100 calories before I wig out.
I know that doesn't make sense, none of this does. I feel like a failure. All around us we se so many people "6 months out and I've lot 70 pounds!" People that started with very close to my BMI & height/weight. I see posts from newbies "help! I'm two months out and have only lost 50 pound, how can I lose more?!" and I want to scream, I want to throw things at my monitor. I want to rant and rail at them, tell them to shut the hell up.
I'm very happy for the rabbits amongst us. I cellabrate their rappid victories, their fame and glory, but at the same time, I rant and rail. I am envious and jellous, which is know isn't good for my soul, but I cannot help the emotions. I would never want to see any of them the frustrations I feel; I never wish them ill, I only wish some of their success was mine.
On the other board I'm on, I don't get any real support there, I only feel like I get beaten up there... I had a serious PB with peanut butter on toast... The only feed back I got was "oh I never eat peanut butter, bla bla bla" Well, you got your band with a BMI of 32, so SHUT THE HELL UP!
I've been seeing a therapist about my trouble. She has some experience with eating disorders, this being a college campus and all, but no experience with anyone with WLS. *sigh* But she and I decided that I should just forget this band thing. I'm not able to function at school.. I mean I'm seriously obsessing over this and driving myself into deperession. Not a healthy place.
She said that I should probably stop going to the on-line support groups that I currently use, and find a group for folks that are not successful with the band. I thought that was probably a good idea. That I should find people who were struggling with the same lack of success I find myself facing.
She also said that I need to stop counting calories. That I need to just back away from the whole weight loss thing right now, since it has taken over my life, and not in a healthy way either. Not being able to study or do my school work is bad bad bad for a college student, especially one on a scholarship with academic requirements...
Well, that was Tuesday afternoon. When I got home from work, there was your "Slow Loosers Unite!" thread. I broke down and cried really hard when I saw it. I didn't have to go find the slow loosers, they were there waiting for me with their squishy hugs and soft arms. Not to judge me as harshly as I judge myself, but to accept me and to celabrate me like I cannot.
And so, I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks, salty pain yet salty hope as well. | 